LETMEINTOMYACCOUNT??!

This week my girlfriend sent me a joke about using passwords. I forwarded it to some of you, but because of the 'strong' language have decided not to copy it here...just in case the Facebook police take exception. It was funny and it made me think. 

We have all had to come up with passwords in our every day lives. To date I have about a dozen.....all variations on a theme : dog names, cat names, house names, my name, his name......and when I can't remember what the hell I used I have to use the Rolodex in my brain to go through ALL OF THEM. And, generally, the reason this particular password doesn't work is because....I used a NEW one this time.

We are advised NOT to write down our passwords. And we are advised NOT to use the same one. And we are advised NOT to use pet names. I don't know about you, but at my age I can barely remember MY name let alone all of my passwords.

There are Internet sites that actually guide you in the use of "good" passwords. 

"Learn how to create strong passwords with the correct length and complexity."

Seriously? Now we have to go to 'school' to come up with a password so Aunt Martha can't break into our Esty account and buy some soap bars!!!!

I would really like to buy something online without having to 'join.' I don't want to give you my email and create a password to go with 'my account.' I don't want an account....I just want to buy something. I know you just want this information so you can track me!  I wasn't born yesterday...and if I was I would probably understand all this stuff. 

Apparently the most common passwords are - "123456," "123456789," and "password." Which explains why now companies are demanding...yes, demanding that you add or mix numbers, letters or symbols to your passwords. This is all in an effort to....cover THEIR asses ...you understand. 

My bank uses a picture and warns me that if I don't see that picture....well...then I am screwed if I continue on that page. 

“People will come up with lots of funny passwords and that’s fine, but it’s important to try to protect your information by using numbers, symbols and a mix of lower and upper case letters,” I quote....Internet Security....Mr Brian BORG . 

For those of you who haven't watched Star Trek:

"The Borg are a collection of species that have been turned into cybernetic organisms functioning as drones of the Collective, or the hive." 

Coincidence that Brian runs Internet Security and is advising us on passwords....... I think not. 

*****

Does doing Yoga make you a Hindu? Hmmm?

This was a headline I read last week and the reasoning behind it is that Yoga is a part of being Islamic. Who knew?  I didn't. But it has history as an ancient spiritual practice with connections to Hinduism and Buddhism.

And of course now other religions are wading into the controversy.  A Catholic church in England banned Yoga because it is a Hindu spiritual exercise and has no place in their church....or apparently, even their church hall. AND prominent pastors in the U.S of A. have even gone as far as calling Yoga "Demonic." Well, we all know about prominent pastors in the good old U.S. but that is for another time.

The belief is that even though religious intentions are not there to begin with, by doing Yoga, you might lead them to develop. God forbid - and I mean that literally.

But all you Yogaites rejoice because there are alternatives. One is called PraiseMoves.  This exercise (while looking strangely just like Yoga) combines Christian worship with stretching exercises. You adopt a pose or posture and then recite a verse from the Bible. 

Example: the Cobra pose becomes the Vine posture and you recite, "I am the vine and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

The Childs pose or Mouse pose becomes the Little Child Posture and you recite, "Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." Wow case closed! Do not pass Go or collect $100.00.

So - Okay - there MAY be a bit of a learning curve here, but you ARE getting your exercise. 

The founder of PraiseMoves states that Yoga is a Sanskrit word that means "Yoke" or "Union with God." But....as a Christian..."it's a different yoke." I kid you not. BECAUSE Jesus said (apparently) "My yoke is easy, my burden is light." I don't get it either...but then again I put the Eh? in Agnostic. 

The founder of PraiseMoves, Laurette Willis, states that she got the idea on February 25th, 2001 at 10:35 in the morning when God gave it to her. Instead of emptying your mind you are supposed to fill it with the word of God. 

So does doing Yoga make you a Hindu, I think not. After all, Atheists could do it and concentrate on the wonder of the universe or perhaps the complexity of the DNA helix. 

Things I've learned this week:

Sometimes we just don't appreciate the simpler things in life.

I mean....how affluent are we that our socks have their own drawer?

How many "pairs" are there...and what about the question....what happens to socks in the washing machine?

I recently opened an Internet site which stated: "Opening up a sock drawer full of colourful, amazing socks is simply the best way to start the morning. Very few people experience it and it's time to change that. Here's how we're going to do it:
"Keep your wallet happy and time on your side. Six pairs for $39, or replace your whole sock drawer (18 pairs) for under $90. Shipping is on us!"

AND this from a conversation on the Internet about Where do socks go:

"I'm a leg amputee. As it's hard to get my shoe on and off my fake foot, and because my fake foot doesn't sweat I don't often change it. All my socks match but I always get even numbers out of the dryer. I would suggest having one leg taken off if you want to keep your socks. Also you might be able to sell odd socks to amputees who don't use a fake leg."

Words of wisdom if I have ever heard them.

****

Royals do earn their keep.

Are we having fun yet?

I GAVE AT THE OFFICE.....

Quite a few years ago I had an article entitled "It's Time to Embrace the Curly Code" published in our local newspaper. It's premise was that (based on the character Curly from the movie City Slickers) we should pick just one important thing in life .......and support that cause. You can't fix the world, no matter how hard you may try. But you can pick something close to your heart and support that one thing.

Recently I was buying groceries and the cashier asked if I would like to support.....I don't even remember what...say....Sick Kids Hospital. So I said sure, add five bucks to my bill. Fortunately I can afford the money, not everyone can.

What if you are on a fixed income and counting every penny, hoping you have enough to cover what is being rung up at the till and then the cashier asks "Would you like to donate a dollar to......?" You say no - explain that every penny counts in your household, just say no and have the rest of the line think you are really cheap or agree that a dollar would be fine and keep your fingers crossed.

Then I thought about all of the money that you could possibly agree to give at the cash register over the course of a year. This could, theoretically, add up to quite a bit and all without an official tax receipt. At least if you give one lump sum to one of these organizations directly you can get a receipt and it will be a bit of a tax break.

What if you say to the cashier or better yet, the manager, "I'll donate my five dollars if you chip in and match it." What would happen then?

I don't know the logistics of the store and charity agreement so I really don't know if the store is just collecting this money (probably) and turning it over or they get some kickback. I do feel that if the store chain thinks this is such a worthy cause then THEY should be giving a good size chunk of their profits to prove it.

With all of the charities in the world, and the new daily disasters, it is hard to decide exactly where your dollars should go. Personally I worry about giving money to anywhere overseas. I have heard stories of aid not arriving where it should be, or it being hijacked and then sold to the highest bidder. Hey, wait a minute that shouldn't be happening - but who is going to argue with people with guns???

Another conundrum is the cost of the charity doing business. We have all seen the Internet listings of the top charities and how much the administrators receive for doing their work. I don't want 48 cents of every dollar I give going to some fat cats lake house. If you have to pay those kinds of wages then I expect these people to get out and do their jobs....not pass the collecting responsibility off to grocery clerks to gather the funds for them.

Bottom line - it is your money and no one should humiliate you into giving to a charity.

Last year I received a phone call from a charity asking for a donation and when I said that all my giving is to the Humane Society the woman replied....

"You would rather give your money to animals than to children??????"

I was......well......pissed. I did call that charity to complain and the person I spoke to was very apologetic.

Recently, on a Facebook posting, my niece showed the elephants that Bob Barker had rescued - at his own expense. One of the comments underneath was that, in her opinion, the person thought it would have been "better" to give some of that money to humans instead.  REALLY?? Needless to say I did let my fingers do the talking and tried very  hard to state (nicely) that it was Bob's money and she had no business telling anyone where their dollars should go.

It's a big world out there folks and there will always be someone or something in need. How you give or not is your business and you shouldn't be hijacked into doing something you aren't comfortable with....and you shouldn't have to explain your reasons to anyone.

*****

Things I learned:

Bronies  are grown men who like to watch My Little Pony shows. They actually have conventions; wearing brightly coloured long synthetic wigs and little pony ears....and wings.

"You can relate to everything about My Little Pony. The real life situations make me a better person." They say......

There is even a song written by BlackGryphon who describes himself such:
"I am an ex U.S. Navy veteran, scuba and sky diver, animator and musician and I'd like to be a tree.  Actually there are many, many songs if you go on Youtube." Thanks BlackG, but I think I'll just skip them for now.

It's innocent....in a strange way. Clubs of all sorts - hobby, sports, gardening, bridge - have the shared common interest and the belonging to something/someone. But I don't want my husband to become my little pony any time soon.....nnneeeeyyyy.

*****


Princess Anne is advocating eating horsemeat because then "the owner might take better care of the horses" Well, right up until the time when they are shipped off to the packing plant.

*****

Lady Gaga has a flying dress. And she thinks she would like to share it with all of us so we can have one too........while she was saying this she was dressed in what looked very much like a NASA uniform.

I have heard of Reefer Madness but I have never before witnessed it.

******

I don't want to visit or live in Berens River, Manitoba. After a day of heavy drinking a man was stabbed by his girlfriend. And then when he stumbled off to get help he was hit by not one BUT TWO drunk drivers. Autopsy showed he bled out because the stabbing nicked a vein, so his girlfriend is up on charges. I have no idea what is happening to the two drunk drivers.

YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK - AND MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T TRY

Next year there is a reunion, of sorts, in my 'home town.' It is not a high school reunion and not an adoption or family reunion....it is for a dance hall. Yup - as underdeveloped, pimply faced, socially inept teens we used to hang out on the weekends at the local dance hall.

For some really strange reason a woman, who I don't even remember being at the dances and I was THERE A LOT, has decided that since this dance hall has actually been torn down (quite some time ago) 'we' should all go back home and.....well....dance in a tent in a parking lot.

My girlfriend, or shall I say Partner In Crime, has been bugging me about (without a gun to my head) attending this reunion. She keep sending me emails or telling me in our marathon three hour conversations, that really, we should go, it would be FUN. No, it would not be fun. Trust me.

She says....so and so will be there, remember them - NO.
How about so and so, you must remember them - AH, NO. I DON'T
Guess who isn't going, because they are DEAD?
I don't care....really...I don't......dead you say?? Hum.

I have recently been told that some of the rumors of their deaths have been greatly exaggerated.....ooopps!

"Ralph? Is that you? I thought you were DEAD!" What a great ice breaker.....

We used to go and hang out at the dance hall every weekend.We pre-gamed before the word was even invented, okay I pre-gamed, my friend would take a few sips and I would drink what was left. Most of the time we would go to just annoy the crap out of guys. Seeing as we are, or where before shrinking (see previous blog), five foot eight in our stocking feet we towered over a lot of the 'guys' our age.  Our idea of fun was to scrunch down on one of the benches that ringed the dance hall (by day a roller skating rink and at one time a wrestling venue no less) and when some poor, usually vertically challenged, airman from the local base asked us to dance we would unfold ourselves, preying mantas like, to our full height and say "Hell, yah!" and boogie off into the crowd. We just wanted to dance, not with each other, which is SO PRAIRIE..... but ....with....the opposite sex....men!!!

Because we were extremely 'well connected' in this extremely small town, we hung out with "the band(s)." Therefore....due to the fact that our friends where the entertainment and unavailable...and unless we danced with each other....we had to rely on some imported guys to provide us with our dancing entertainment.

So, do I really want to go back in time and shuffle my way around a plastic tent over potholed tarmac with a plastic wine glass clutched tightly in my left (look at me, I'm married ) hand during the summer heat? Not really. AND what if.....no one....and I mean....no one even remembers me????!!! Hell, I don't even know the woman who is organizing this....what if it is reciprocal? Worse yet....What if I AM remembered.....but as the person I was back then????!!!

The website, Facebook page, Twitter account and probably local church handout, state that even 'some of the bands are coming back to play.' Really - do I want to see out of shape, balding, arthritic fingered, aged musicians who I thought, at one time, looked really great? I have Paul McCartney, The Stones and every happy has-been band playing casinos for that.

There is also a statement on the website that says one of the women who are planning on attending the reunion, "and must be in her 90's" was a 'holy terror." What does that even mean? She's in her 90's.....eeewwww, she was dancing and showed an ankle???!!

The woman who is organizing this event is also planning on attending a SENIORS residence to chat up some of the oldtimers to see what memories they have......SERIOUSLY? Sadly, I see a book in the future.

Again, according to their Facebook page, they have sent out 543 invites.

To date they have received.... answers in the positive - 158, answers "maybe" 75.

I really do wish them luck and I sincerely hope they have a wonderful time shimmying down memory lane, and tripping the light fantastic.

BUT I don't want to see this guy.

*****

Now, there are a few people who I would like to see again - mostly because they gave me grief. Not necessarily at the dance hall...but just in my life.

The high school principal who would scare the crap out of  us when he had to substitute - but he is probably long dead by now (and I can only hope it was in some horrible way - like being electrocuted while out golfing by playing the big shot and volunteering to be the first to try out the new electric ball washer).

Then there was a short guy, with large glasses named George who used to walk by my house - while I was standing ON MY OWN STEP - and call me Bozo!!! In hindsight I should have raced after the little bugger and given him what for - his father was a dentist so he could have been fixed up without much expense.

And another guy named Howard - really - high school and your name is Howard??? He was a nerd - tall, skinny and dressed badly and liked to golf -  everyone made fun of him.......and he was my school square dance partner. Of course he was MY dance partner - not any of the cool guys in the class. I got Howard - probably because he was taller than me.  But I would like to see Howard again and find out how his life turned out. Maybe he became a golf pro and made lots of money and owns his own course....... and his golf course is where the principal got fried.

Things I've learned this week:

A Colorado-based Christian group is air-dropping Bibles on North Korea. I suppose they think this is a great idea about....spreading the word...but didn't do their research. In 2009, a 33-year-old woman was publicly executed in North Korea after being accused of distributing the Bible.

"Where did you get this bible!!!!???"
"It fell from the sky."
"Off with their heads!"

Way to go Christians.


*****

Irony at its best:

****

Some people shouldn't be on a Russian dating site

WHY?

****

There are WAY TOO MANY Facebook pages dedicated to peoples cats. If your cat is not in some way special it should not have it's own page. We know it is special to you, but not to the rest of us. Just like 1,000 pictures of your grandchildren - after the first dozen or so they all blur together. We get it - you like your cat!!!!

*****

Last week I posted a picture of a cookie with the word "Allah" on it. My husband looked and said - "I don't see it."

I pointed to the cookie - "No," he said "I just don't see it."

A second later it dawned on me and I explained "that's because you don't read Arabic."

Sorry to anyone who really, really tried to see the word Allah in English......

THEY RUN AMONG US.....

Recently an article entitled

"Canadian to expose alien collaboration with U.S."

was brought to my attention (thank you dear husband whose favorite saying seems to be "you should Blog about this."). Apparently back in the spring of this year Lester Pearson's 89 year old former Minister of Defense went to Washington to

'testify as to the existence - and multiple visits to Earth - of aliens.'

Put up your hands those of you who have even heard of Lester B. Pearson!

Ex Minister of Defense, Paul Hellyer (the 89 year old -  Lester B. is long time dead) said that after global warming and the changing of the monetary system, alien visits are the next most important issue facing humankind. Folks - I just write it, I don't explain it!

He goes on to say that there are people from other dimensions who visit earth and some of them look very much like us. "The species we call the Tall Whites have been seen shopping in Las Vegas.".....ummm....perhaps at Wal Mart?

Mr. Hellyer never stated that HE has ACTUALLY seen any aliens, but he seems to be of the opinion that some of them live 900 years. "If you read about Methuselah in the Bible, there might have been some around then." ........Or not.

Mr. Hellyer is not alone in this thinking. A recent poll in North Carolina found that 29 percent of the polled ones concur with the proposition that aliens exist. NOTE: When they were asked "Do you believe that shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies, or not?" 71 percent said they do not. so THAT'S how polls work!!!

In my research for this Blog (yes, I actually do research, I don't just sit here and make this stuff up!) I came across the Golden Age of Gaia. The purpose of the website is to help inform and  help us humans evolve into higher dimensional spiritual beings and among other things "reconnect with our galactic brothers and sisters." However, Mr. Hellyer's name never came up, nor did a mention of the Tall Whites, or anyone from North Carolina.

This site, apparently, serves the higher dimensional ascended masters - called the Company of Heaven - and they have, believe it or not, gathered around the earth to assist Gaia (whoever that is) and her inhabitants enter into a new golden age.

The inhabitants (I am assuming WE are not among these peeps because, personally, I have never heard of nor been approached by any Gaia followers...in fact I can't even pronounce Gaia!)....anyway....the inhabitants will find their consciousnesses gradually shifting from Third Dimensionality to higher dimensions and AT THE SAME TIME, the 'friendly star brothers and sisters' will make their presence known. AND a note: these higher dimensional beings, in the recent past, have subdued the Illuminati Cabal that was in the process of taking control of all aspects of the world. The Illuminati apparently wanted to start WWIII by dropping a nuclear bomb on Iran in order to drop the Earth's population from 7 billion to a more manageable 500 million. The Galactics have also been credited with preventing a meteor from crashing into Russia which would have caused a new Ice Age.

So, you see, they do walk among us....or perhaps they run among us....

Have you noticed over the past, say, twenty five years or so, more and more people have been running or walking across our great nation for a cause of some sort????  I was curious to see exactly what the stats where on these champions; what drove them to take a year or two and hit the highways and bi-ways with nary a thought to what was going to happen along the way.

Totally unprepared is Troy Adams. He is running across Canada. He says his feet are swollen and dogs chase him and getting media attention is difficult. He is running for brain injury awareness - and setting a fine example I must say. Did he think it was going to be an easy gig??? Apparently so.

Of course Troy isn't alone. You may be surprised to know that there are DOZENS of people running, cycling, walking, riding and stumbling down the TransCanada and across the U.S of A. Except of course Mr. Hargrove who was actually arrested for refusing to stop running on the TransCanada in Quebec. Ah, those French.......

Chris Johnson thought he would raise awareness for: Canada's wild bison. But sadly, he was woefully unprepared for walking so much and stated that after a few days, the weight of his backpack left his shoulders sore. He soon called off his journey and I suppose the wild bison will just have to make it on their own.

Friends, Justin and Mike trekked from L.A. to Floria on a dare. It took them 104 days, they spent a considerable amount of time in Las Vegas, where  'they garnered much support from gamblers and showgirls.' They SAID their cause was to recruit members for the American Homebrewers Association. Upon finishing their journey they threw a massive great party.

On another note, Mr. Fitzsimons started a run from San Fransicso on May 2013. It is called "Run4Sobriety. He is a recovering alcoholic. So when he reaches his destination don't raise a glass to him.

Steve Fugate lost his son to suicide in 1999. Since then he has walked over 30,000 miles with a large sign that states "Love Life." I think he needs some closure.

Nick Della Valle is small in stature, being 4'8", but draws a crowd when he steps out on the highway dressed as the Biblical character Zacchaeus, looking like a shepherd with his staff. His walk is called "Christ Walk." I'm thinking he has an Evangelical bent.

Helga Estby from Spokane wanted to save her family's 160 acre farm so she hit the road to gather support. She packed a compass, pepper spray, a revolver and her curling iron. Needless to say - she lost the farm.

Another journey taker documented mailboxes.

Margie McCauley had no cause - she just walked from Landers, California to New Britain, Connecticut to see her sister.

Peace Pilgrim aka Mildred Lisette Norman, walked across the U.S. for 28 years until her death. She was walking for world peace.

Another team of walkers decided to document people's feeling on same sex marriage and to "profile queer issues and identity in American." Yes that is a direct quote! Their film is called "The Road Less Travelled By" ..... WELL not really, when you consider ALL of these people strolling along at any given time.

A lot of people walk with their dogs. Personally, I don't think this is very nice - really - did they ask their dog "do you want to tramp along a blistering hot tarmac with semi trucks whizzing by and perhaps through all kinds of rain, sleet, snow, blizzards or tornadoes...... or stay here with Grandma?"

So many of these people (I think out of sheer boredom) end up flogging books, films, and photos of their travels. The majority have a title with the word "Walk" in it.

So, my dear husband, who has no shortage of great ideas, has decided that he could always give up his day job, grab his cell phone camera - just in case he comes across any aliens and hit the road.

His working title does NOT have the word 'walk' in it....

"Make Yourself Heard - Farting Across Canada for Colon Cancer"

Ya just never know!



Things I've learned this week:

A little boy in Manchester found the word "Allah" on a cookie. He later ate it, but not before his father took a picture and sent it to the newspaper. His father said he too has found this message "from God" before - in a tomato at his brothers takeaway. Some people have all the luck!

******

David Babcock broke the record for the longest scarf knitted while running a marathon, with a length of 12 feet and 13/4 inches. He said that he thinks running and knitting are both pretty tedious so why not do them together? Well then David, why do them at all? Let's hope he doesn't decide to run across America.

******

Skeuomorphism has fallen out of favour. Oh No....what will all of the gray hairs do??? Skeuomorphism refers to all those wonderful little symbols for the techi impaired - closed envelope - means emails unopened ; open envelope means emails opened. It is simple, fast and even adds a bit of, dare I say....whimsy. But no - the youngster programmers have decided that we don't need those anymore and soon we will all be carrying around black monoliths with no colour or beauty. Good grief, next we'll all be dressing in black - oh too late!

*****

What are these guys smiling about:

a FIREPOWER drill.

Well that will help me sleep nights.

COULD ANY TERRORISTS JUST PUT UP THEIR HANDS PLEASE!!!

So, coming a little late to the game, I decided to try and figure out exactly WHAT IS happening in Syria. Laugh all you want, all those who know me and fully understand that I purposely stay uninformed about world events that involve, bombs, maiming, suicide attempts, senseless killing, promises of virgins or animals getting hurt. I really, really did try and figure this one out.

And I HAVE: It's all about marketing and being manly men.

While getting a world wide view of things by reading the Winnipeg Free Press, BBC world News and Al Jazeera (yes - it IS in English!) I have come to the conclusion that this "unrest" is basically an "old boys club."

Here are two definitions of an Old Boys Club:

1. a group of men that -when together - act like boys; joking around and goofing around with each other.

2. a term for a club that only allows men into their group. often used as a way to get away from their wives/girlfriends and hang out with other like-minded individuals.

Just to prove the point about being "like minded" I want to list a small selection of the names that the Syrian " Men / Old Boys Club " have come up with to truly represent themselves and their " I think WE should run this country, not YOU! " groups:

Army of the Emigrants and Helpers
Free Syrian Army
Martyrs of the Syria Brigades
Northern Storm Brigade
Free Men of Syria
Falcons of Syria
Army of Islam
Battalion of Islam
Islamic Movement of the Free Men of Levant
Syrian Islamic Front
Grandsons of the Prophet
Yarmouk Martyrs Brigade (formerly known as Prince)

Okay - I made up the part about being formerly known as Prince. I think some of the groups may now be represented by a symbol you can't pronounce. But in actuality many of the groups have changed their names several times or split up and formed new groups.....with new names.

And to go along with these catchy names they have logos! I kid you not. The Army of Islam has a crest next to an upright rifle with a flowing banner. Sorry, I couldn't read the banner....but I am sure it says something along the line of: The Army of Islam.....and in small print....Formerly Known as Prince.

So basically, you get a bunch of  " like minded individuals "  together, figure out a catchy name for your "cause" and design a logo? Then you go out and fight.

Today - honestly, and kidding aside, I am no wiser. All I know is that back in 2011 schoolchildren had been arrested for writing anti-government graffiti on a wall. They were tortured. There were protests in the streets, which brought out the military and all hell broke loose. Now we have hundreds of splinter groups all saying they are right and they should run the country, or at the least, their little corner of the world.

The majority of fighting is in the north and to the east. Cities and towns have been captured, lost and recaptured. In August of this year chemicals were used for the first time and the activists and the foreign governments (all supplying arms - why?) pointed fingers at each other. I noted....In the middle of Syria there is a large empty space that, it seems, nobody wants.

This year President Assad announced he will not step down and that his vision of Syria's future includes a new constitution and an end to support for the opposition, which he calls terrorists. The opposition refuses to work with Assad's government, and I can only imagine what they call him.

There where 22 million people in Syria. It is estimated that by next year over 3 million will have fled the country and right now 100k, and counting have been killed. Within all of the rebel forces you can add in another 100k and I can't find an exact figure on how many military are involved because they are continually defecting.....to form even more splinter groups...... All with new names and new logos.

So, I figure, if this continues for another five years, the population in Syria will be minimal and in the end when one group arises from the ashes and claims victory they will have won........dirt! I have seen the pictures - piles of rubble and a whole lot of dirt. There will be nothing left!!!

War does not determine who is right......just who is left.

There are eleven wars going on in our world right now. These are considered Major wars, apparently minor wars with under 1,000 people killed per year aren't considered 'major' so don't count.

Just recently at the U.N. General Assembly in New York, Syrian Foreign Minister Walid al-Moualem said that Syria is not engaged in a civil war, but a war on terror.

At this point, I'm just not sure where the terror is coming from.






Things I have learned this week:

Iowa is now issuing gun permits for the blind.

****

Ahhhh, in an interview Tom Hanks stated the best lines he has ever had were " I do." when he married Rita some twenty odd years ago....I think that is kinda sweet.

***

In the household advice column this week there was a tip from a would be homemaker that said you could use baby oil on stainless steel to remove fingerprints. Then the Advice Lady put a note : Remember to keep baby oil out of the reach of children.  HUH?

THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

I am thinking the reason I don't sleep well some nights is because we watch action filled, shoot 'em up, bang bang movies just before bedtime. My husband loves these....and I like looking at Jason Statham so all is good. However, my head fills with all this excitement and I wake up around one with a tired body and a mind going on hyper drive.

I actually did have the absolute best night's sleep about three years ago. ( I KNOW I actually remember the last time I had a good night's sleep!!!)  My girlfriend and I went to Ireland and on the return trip I stated I probably wouldn't get any sleep worrying about the early flight back the next morning. "Have one of these," she said and handed me a sleeping pill.

(Note: last time she handed me drugs I was off work for three days....but that was the 60's..........CALM Down Y - I'm kidding!! No, I'm really not..........yes....I am).

ANYWAY - she handed me this sleeping pill, I took one half and the next thing I knew it was morning - I thought - I could get used to these!!! Of course that is the problem isn't it?

People take sleeping aids for a variety of reasons, but in my opinion, there are times when you really should re-think your first impulse to get grab that bottle of off to dreamland you will go......

In Spokane, Washington  the police reported a suspect was accused of climbing through the ceiling panel of a restroom to reach the roof of the hotel where he threw rolls of roofing material, jugs of cleaning solution and food to the street below.

Charge: vandalizing and burglary.
Defense:  adverse reaction to Ambien (sleeping medication).

His lawyer stated this is not uncommon......as in ....it wasn't uncommon for his client to break, enter and toss things off roofs OR it wasn't uncommon for people who take sleeping aides to, in fact, not sleep but roam around the city at night??

Strangely enough, to date there have been a plethora of sleepless peeps doing strange things while taking Ambien.

So, if that isn't enough to make YOU not sleep, here is an example of a time when I would seriously consider sleeping pills as out of the question.

On an online forum regarding Delusional Disorder a man stated "I just thought I would share what helped me during my wife's DD episodes: sleeping pills, benedryl and melatonin."

YUP - that's how he decided to get a little shut eye. He goes on to state that under the circumstances - "my sons psychosis and my wife's DD." - it was the only way to actually get a good nights sleep.

Would I really want to be zonked out in this household???

Then he goes on to say that his wife is MUCH BETTER NOW so he doesn't feel the need to take anything anymore. Well thank goodness for that. BUT THEN he continues:

"We do have islands of craziness in the midsts of seas of normalcy" (very poetic I think for someone sleep deprived ) "Just a few days ago my wife said our son never had a psychosis and I mentioned 'Well, dear, he thought he could do miracles and summon the birds." to which SHE REPLIED "Maybe he could do miracles.!!!"

I think a good strong lock on a private bedroom door might work better than going back on sleeping aides!

Now, I understand that not all people are going to have adverse reactions to sleeping pills or abuse them in any way. Here is another example - one that I think all woman can relate to:

Eating a little bit of chocolate was a treat that Teresa looked forward to after work. She would allow herself two small pieces of chocolate candy a day.

This lady obviously had great control!!

But after taking a drug to help her sleep at night, Teresa awoke in the morning to find an empty box on the table in place of a POUND of chocolates that had been there the night before.

"I couldn't believe it," says Teresa. "I started looking all around the house—I even looked under the bed. I thought for sure someone came into the house during the night and ate them." (Like THAT is going to happen - I won't break in to rape/pillage or steal anything, I'll just eat this POUND of chocolate.....)

This went on for some time. Teresa would awake to find a near-full box of chocolates gone again and again. "I just don't remember eating all that candy," she says.

Okay Teresa - first of all why are you buying pounds of chocolate???  Didn't you notice your clothes suddenly don't fit the same way and what is all that chocolate on your pillowcase???

Teresa, a word of advice - just eat the entire friggin' pound of chocolate before you go to bed. Worries over. Of course then she might get up to something else like go out wandering with the other Ambien afflicted!

Things I've learned this week:

Canadian beer company Molson has placed public fridges stocked with beer throughout Europe. Yes - free beer!!! Hooligans unite!!!

All the fridges are locked and there is only one way to open these shiny fire-engine-red fridges — with a Canadian passport. The fridge is equipped with a modified webcam set to recognize only passports from the 10 provinces and 3 maple leaf territories.

Advertising agency Rethink wanted to "elicit pride in Canadians"  The reason to set up these fridges in random European locations? "Sometimes, you're most proud of where you're from when you're away from home," stated the Canadian ad firm.

Yes, and when they get really drunk and spew their guts out on some foreign monument dedicated to a WWII veteran the Europeans will BLAME CANADA!! Thanks for that boys!

*****

I am SO glad I am not a giraffe. To know when to mate, a male giraffe will continuously headbutt the female in the bladder until she urinates. The male then tastes the pee and that helps it determine whether the female is ovulating.

I really don't know what to say.....

****

Red headed children are being attacked at Wingfield Academy in Yorkshire, England. British police say they were called after a string of attacks on red-haired pupils at the school.

They said a small number of pupils had sustained minor injuries after being attacked by fellow students.

"The issue of bullying of red-haired children periodically arises in Britain, and some commentators have attributed the phenomenon to lingering anti-Celtic prejudice."

Anti-Celtic prejudice??? Talk about holding a grudge....the Celts invaded that area of the British Isles in about 500 AD!

So IKEA stands for Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd

I was talking to my brother about movies the other day, and mentioned that we had just watched World War Z. The only reason we rented, yes I said rented, it was because Brad stars in it. After much discussion on how we liked/disliked the entire movie I mentioned there is going to be a sequel.

"Sequel?" said my brother "but they have run out of alphabet."

"They can always start again - World War A." I said.

"Well, they did end up in Canada," commented my brother, "so it would have to be World War, eh?"

*****

We went to the Winnipeg IKEA for the first time this week. Decided to wait until the crowds had died down.....it has been open what....six months. Didn't need to worry - you could have shot a cannon off and not hit anything but a Ofelia Vass or a Somnig! My first questions was: "Where's the monkey?"





You all remember last winter when this poor little gaffer was found running about the IKEA parking lot....even though he was fashionably dressed....that is just not right!

His 'mom' has been trying to get him back from his stint in the Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary, where he has been living since being taken away - NO  KIDDING - from his Mommy. She of course is still fighting to get him back because he is her baby (even though she did try and give him back to the guy who sold him to her for a whacking $5,000.00).


Story goes the Mom, Nakhuda, wanted a baby Japanese macaque monkey because “she had seen a video of one waiting on tables in a restaurant and thought it was interesting."

So, I'm thinking IKEA lost a bet here - really, the marketing boys where not up to their usual standard on this one. I would have had Thailand or Sweden cranking out little stuffed, coat-wearing monkeys a thousand a second and flogging those suckers at every IKEA in the world. ..... AND.... IKEA has a restaurant. Why can't the staff be dressed up like monkeys? All wearing Shearling coats??? Ah - how cute would that be?


Vould you like Svedish meatballs with that?

ACTUALLY my dear husband did have the meatballs and he said they didn't taste like horse at all (was than ever proven???). NNNNAAAAYYYYY

Why did we go to IKEA? Because every once in a few years my dear husband comes up with an idea....an idea that the 'royal WE"...as in me....ends up doing. This time the idea was that we should get duvets just like the lovely ones we slept under in Iceland and England. They were soft and billowy and WHITE! And oh so comfortable....and where else would we buy these except for a European store like IKEA. So, I said that it would be a good idea if said husband came along with me seeing as it was his idea. Surprisingly, he agreed.

I had forgotten when my husband comes shopping we end up with a cart full of....stuff....stuff that I normally would not purchase. So, we ended up with two single duvets and covers. Why two...well, then each of us can wrap ourselves up in our OWN little duvet and not bother the one sleeping next to us. AND - we also bought, three throw pillows, even though I have about a dozen of various sizes at home; two packages of candles of various sizes, a package of taper candles, TEN candle holders (again....I have a cupboard full of these) and two silver coloured trays for the candles to sit upon...and a LOT of ideas on how to completely gut a house and do it up IKEA style!!!

Needless to say, I didn't get white duvet covers, because unless you have the proper room decor to go with white it just doesn't work.....and this is Winnipeg, Canada and winter is coming, so white isn't a great choice for feeling down (get it) right warm.

Last night I tried out the new bedding. I had suggested washing the covers first, but husband said "Nah, just throw them on and we'll try them out." which I did. I think they look okay.....but by one a.m. I was scratching and tossing and HOT!

This morning I took the covers off and tossed them into the washer and separated the duvets - because we bought two duvets in one. Yes - They snap together and you can have Summer light ones, or double Winter ones. So, do the math. I now actually have FOUR single duvets! Good Grief!!!

I remembered,,,,,somewhere in my brain.....my English cousin saying something about ironing her covers.....ironing???? Sorry, I am the one whose small daughter pointed at Gramdma's iron and asked "What's that??" (I received a very large tsk tsk for that one).......I DON'T iron!

In fact, while in England, Kris stood at the doorway and watched my cousin iron shirts. "What's she doing?' he asked in a hushed tone.  I said, "Oh that......It's a British thing....sort of like Hoovering. Don't you worry about it." And quickly hustled him out the door.

BUT all the cousins bed covers looked so crisp and white and billowy and smelled really good......so, I either have to move to Iceland or England, change my bedroom colours or go smash my new duvet covers on rocks by a stream until they are cottony soft......hopefully before freeze up.


Things I've learned this week:

U.S. President Lyndon Johnson had two Beagles named Him and Her.

There are a LOT of  Tim Horton's built close to fitness centres.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has sex five times a day. This, according to a newspaper report - and we know those are always accurate. Arnie's good friend and ex druggie/drunk Tom Arnold is stated as saying his buddy sees it as a 'work out' in his fitness routine. First of all - what woman would put up with that??? Well - okay - one that gets paid......but I am thinking the headlines should have read, because we are talking about a man in his sixties here, " Arnold WISHES he had sex five times a day."

AND SHE'S BACK

So we went on this holiday, and I could tell you all about it until your eyes glaze over or you nod off (Kris and I actually did this at a friends house while watching pictures of Turkey - the country - not the bird. How rude! But we BOTH did it so I didn't feel too bad). But I won't put you through that. We had a MMMAAARRRVVEEELLOOOUUSSS DAHHHLLING holiday. Enough said. And if you ever want to go to Iceland or England just call me up and I can give you some pointers. Deal? Deal.

So, we got back, tried to get into a normal sleeping pattern - ha! and decided to drive to the cottage to shut it down for the season. The weather was gorgeous and we got everything done in record time and headed back home.

Driving along the TransCanada.......Listening to Sirrius radio - 60's on 6 - which, it dawned on us was quite a few years back now, we listened and commented on how.....really.....really....bad some of the songs that we thought were amazing at the time where really....well....shit. Bad guitar work, sloppy drumming and people who just couldn't sing! Then the song of all songs came on. No, it wasn't the Beatles, even though they did play an obscure Beatles song that really wasn't up to par, no, it wasn't the Stones, or ABBA.....it was.....MacArthur Park sung by Richard Harris.......OOOOOOHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO (which is, to those of you who know the song and have sung along, lemming-like, like the rest of us,  ..........actually part of the lyrics (and are cleverly interjected here by me).

To those of you who don't know the song....consider yourselves very lucky...NO...that isn't what I wanted to say...that was a joke. To those of you who don't know the song I will give you a rather long explanation. Believe me, when you Google this song and give it a listen you will be very glad that I explained the true, deep meaning behind these lyrics.

MacArthur Park was written by Jimmy Web, who also wrote By the Time I Get to Phoenix, which is another 60's fav song to sing along to...unless of course you are the original singer... Glen Campbell. Okay - strike me dead now! I know he has Alzheimer's!

ANYWAY - Jimmy broke up with his gal pal, Susan and MacArthur Park is where they used to meet for lunch. AAAAHHHHH, how sweet.  Soon after this break up Jimmy visited his friend Buddy Greco and composed this song on his piano. I have never heard of Buddy Greco, but apparently he is a lounge lizard of sorts and closes his own show with MacArthur Park and has done so for over 40 years! WHY???

MacArthur Park was composed as part of an intended 'cantata.' I had no clue what a cantata was/is.....I do, however, know what tatas are.....so I will save you some finger time on The Google and tell you right now - a cantata is a vocal composition with an instrumental accompaniment, typically in several movements. I know this now because I looked it up and you never know when I can use this during an awkward moment in conversation.

So, there is Jimmy toiling away on Buddy's piano and he comes up with the greatest lyrics of all time - no, he does not. What he comes up with is a song - in four movements - and no - none of them are bowel - relying heavily on the metaphor that love is like a cake in the rain. The song begins "as a poem about love and then moves into a lover's lament." OOOOHHHH NOOOOOO.

The lyrics were meant to be "symbolic and referred to the end of a love affair." Jimmy is quoted as saying and "those lyrics were all very real to me, but there has been a lot of intellectual venom." (towards the song).

Okay - let's just say that when MacArthur Park was used in the musical Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and was performed by the character Tick and passel of dancing cupcakes, giving literal interpretation to "someone left the cake out in the rain." (okay,,,everybody.....OOOOHHHH NOOOOO), it was meant to be taken seriously. After all, the Los Angeles times considered the song....polarizing. Well, it was the 60's.

The song actually went on to receive a Grammy for Best Arrangement Accompanying Vocalist. I kid you not. However, years later when Weird Al Yankovic recorded it, there wasn't even a mention.

So, who, you ask, was the vocalist? It was Richard Harris - best known for appearing in the movie version of Camelot. Apparently Richard decided that because he did so well singing in Camelot he should record a record - they had those back then. After listening 'exhaustively' to all of Jimmy Webb's compositions he decided on this one for his 'pop music debut.' I have a feeling both Richard and Jimmy had been eating too much "icing" nudge, nudge, wink, wink, off the cake. Richards ex-wife states "I think they just understood each other." Yeah, ya think? Maybe in THAT moment! Snort!

Look familiar?

He's the one in the middle.........no, don't know him?
How about now?

Just be thankful that Harry Potter was never made into a musical!


Here is a direct quote from a Youtube clip of said Richard singing said song....that is really worth watching because people actually critique this song.....and some call it genius!

Please - Read this with an excited British accent: "Imagine you are 60's songwriting genius Jimmy Webb and you've just penned a seven minute long psychedelic orchestral epic but no one wants to sing it....then you remember your drinking buddy.......the famous actor...he can sing a bit!"

The song is SEVEN minutes long.......with questionable lyrics and somehow we ALL KNOW IT!!!:

Spring was never waiting for us, girl
It ran one step ahead
As we followed in the dance

Between the parted pages and the prayers
Still love's hot, fevered iron
Like a strip-ed pair of pants

(Short instrumental interlude)  - probably so you can think deeply on what you just heard

There would be another song for me
For I will sing it
There would be another dream for me
Someone will bring it                                - who?

I will drink the wine while it is warm       - never a good idea
And never let you catch me looking at the sun   - that's probably a good thing
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life, you'll still be the one

I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it
I will have the things that I desire
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky   - huh?

And after all the loves of my life
Oh, after all the loves of my life
I'll be thinking of you - and wondering why           - me too! Why?

(Much, much longer instrumental interlude)   - I think this is one of the movements

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain

I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again, oh noooooo


While driving back from the lake, merrily singing along to this song, Kris and I decided that if ever someone asks me for a recipe we will look at each other and belt out OOOOHHHHH NNNOOOOOOO! Because I may not have it...and I may...never....ever....have that recipe....again...OOOOHHHHH NNNNNOOOO.

Things I've learned this week:

Elvis Presley actually did a 'spoken word' album. It contained almost no actual music, compiled in a seemingly incomprehensible manner. It is listed in The Worst Rock and Roll Records of All Time, duly noting the lack of rock and roll on the album. The AllMusic review of the album states: "Some have called Having Fun with Elvis on Stage thoroughly unlistenable, but actually it's worse than that; hearing it is like witnessing an auto wreck that somehow plowed into a carnival freak show, leaving onlookers at once too horrified and too baffled to turn away."

Taxidermy is making a comeback. I'm thinkin' Joan rivers.

There is a 'Mystery' dish at our local Chinese takeaway....Lily?....Lily???

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT- MAYBE

This is part of my  "Voices in my Head" series, which some day may be a book...or not. It is basically random thoughts I have and it is an aid to help you sleep. You know when you wake up at 3 a.m. and you just keep thinking crazy thoughts.....like if you have a gun, five acres and a shovel can you really get away with murder. Okay, so maybe not that thought exactly. But I find there is nothing like a good book when sleep is illusive. Not one that is "unputdownable" or "page turnable" but one that is soothing - or in this case so rambling that you will find you no longer need all those sheep because you are bored to ....well...sleep. So, watch for it in the Sleep Aid aisle at a drug store near you.

Jason Statham and I colour my hair:

So we are off to England in a week or so and I have to colour my hair before we go. I have been waiting to do this so that the grey doesn't come in too much by the time we are heading back. Timing is everything. I have also been experimenting with trying to find the perfect colour...not too red, not too blonde...but lighter so that I don't have to colour it so often and you can't see the grey coming in so soon. Okay got that??

So, my husband says,'Let's watch Jason Statham tonight."

Now, for those of you who don't know who he is, he is from some Guy Ritchie movies. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Revolver, Snatch just to name a few. If you really don't know who he is look him up - for a guy with a heavy close shave and no hair he is pretty nice to look at.  AND - If you don't know who Guy Ritchie is he is Madonna ex husband - the English one - not one of the American ones. AND - If you don't know who Madonna is you must have been living under a rock for a very long time.

So, I get all my housey stuff done, talk to my girlfriend, think about doing some laundry and then with a half hour to spare I colour my hair.  I experiment....because...noted above.....I am trying to find the perfect colour. I plan to mix:

a half bottle of red

and a half bottle of ash blonde

I KNOW! It could turn out green!!! Actually NOT, because I went on The Google and asked it - sort of like a crystal ball - how to get the red out of red hair. Sort of a backward way to get the right colour but what the hell. On some obscure chat line it said to mix an ash blonde in with the red and it will neutralize it. Then I thought - I could have asked my hairdresser, who happens to be my daughter.

As I am about to start colouring my hair I remember I need to use an old towel, because as any of you natural redheads (?) know, the colour will come off on a towel for a while...maybe...perhaps...but who wants to wreck a perfectly good towel. So, I go downstairs to the cupboard where I keep old towels, shoe polish, cleaning products, mouse traps, mattress mite killer.....really....anything you need to survive you could find in that cupboard. Except food of course!!!

I notice the dryer has stopped so I fold some clothing and while doing this see the cat box needs to be cleaned and oh, they need some food as well. The cooler from the lake trip is still sitting there so it has to go back the garage and I move it to the door and go upstairs to start my hair.

Oh - towel. Back downstairs I go with a single mission....towel...towel...eyes straight ahead, don't get distracted.

Finally I get to mix my colour, eye balling it because after all it is an 'experiment'  and merrily apply it to my hair, wait 30 minutes and get into the shower. All the while....I am thinking about Jason Statham. BECAUSE: Guy Ritchie actually discovered Jason.

Jason and his dad had a business going on - well, to call it a business is maybe a stretch. They used to sell jewelry (really bad, cheap jewelry) on the sidewalk outside of Harrod's of London. In London, England - hence Jason's accent.  One day Guy is walking by and he sees a crowd around Jason and his dad flogging this really crap jewelry and he walks up to Jason and asks him if he has ever done any acting.

I'm sure after Jason told Guy to F off  - because don't forget this is London and everyone in London uses the F word. (Pass the F...ing peas please, mom. - I kid you not) Anyway I am sure Jason thought he was being hit on by some pervert - at least that would be MY first thought. I am guessing after some smooth talking by Guy, - maybe he pulled out a wedding picture of himself and Madge - Jason realized that this guy was really Guy, the guy....Guy Ritchie. And at that time married to Madonna, but we have already been down that road.

I am in the shower by now and I remember part of my "how to not get red hair that is too red" program is to wash with dandruff shampoo. Again - I have consulted The Google.

Crap! I forgot to get the shampoo from the bathroom cupboard! I leave the water running and I flip the old towel I got from the downstairs out to make a sort of towel pathway so water doesn't drip all over and then quickly duck back into the shower.

As I am lathering I am thinking....I may have actually MET Jason Statham, because I have been to London, England and have stood outside Harrod's of London and actually looked at some really crap jewelry being flogged by some guys....who by the way will quickly fold up their tents and run like hell if they see a copper coming around. And really....Harrod's is one of the, THE, largest department stores in the whole world so if you are dim enough to buy some crap jewelry from shysters on the sidewalk you deserve to be ripped off. But I have seen this with my own eyes and it COULD have been Jason - really - when you think about it is........ possible.

By now, I have put so much shampoo on my head I feel like I have five inches of meringue on the top of my head. Time to condition like hell then get out and see what colour I have created.

Red hair - same colour.

****

Opposable thumbs. Now don't start sending me some nasty emails after you have read this about how I am picking on people/things that don't have opposable thumbs. I am merely stating that we really do take things for granted...things like thumbs. I think we should all bow our heads and give thanks to....whoever...for providing us with this terrific digit. Because, just think, without them ....

You can't lick and turn a page

You can't change your gears on a bike

You can't text

You can't pose like a cowboy....just to list a few  

I know you who don't have thumbs can really do all these things....you just can't do them with your thumbs because you don't have thumbs. So to all of those without thumbs, we with thumbs salute you....oh sorry! High five....no, never mind. Shake? wrong again.....fist bump?

Things I have learned this week:

Cats on death row can make you stand back and scratch your head. Ever since "dead cat walking" Lily has been told she has Lymphoma she has been eating like crazy and....gaining weight! I think that no one will be more surprised than her when she goes to that big littler box in the sky. 

You can be happy in your own little world. Some of you know that my husband's  dad has been moved to a "nursing home" for lack of a better world hahaha  ..I actually typed that when I meant - word - but it still fits!!! Every day is a new day and he seems extremely happy. I visited him the other day and while on a quest to find a slipper (don't ask) we passed a man in a wheelchair hollering "let me outta here, let me outta  here."  My father-in-law turned to me and with a very serious look stated, "They're all drunk in here."  I really did have to laugh.


And speaking of your own little world....what???? It's Lady GA...GA

What???? Is she thinking??????

Hope says she is never going to read to my husband again...he always falls asleep during the best part!

Is the PLASTIC in Plastic Surgery supposed to be literal?

We drove a friend of ours down to Grand Forks to catch a plane and passed a building with the sign - Truyu....Plastic Surgery. So, if we believe the sign - you will only discover the TRUE you if you get yourself enhanced and what nature gave you is really.....well.......not you.....????

Their ad states encouraging comments like: 'At Truyu, a rhinoplasty improves the appearance and proportion of your nose, enhancing facial harmony and self-confidence.' Facial harmony? Self confidence? So, if you look like the south end of a camel heading north, a nose job will give you more confidence. By the way - You can also like them on Facebook! I am sure no pun was intended.

This all tied in with our friend asking if we had seen Barry Manilow lately - not in person of course - but on the telly. We hadn't, so she went on to say that well...now after plastic surgery....he looks a lot like this guy:

Yes folks - It's Howdy Doody time!!!

And here is Barry Doody:

Apparently NOTHING MOVES on his face, which may relate to his own song that he can sing to his plastic surgeon......."Can't Smile Without You." or perhaps "Please Don't be Scared." (which is a real crap song he wrote quite some time ago and before he actually alerted his face so that now, we actually are a little scared.)

Of course not everyone can age gracefully and when you are under public scrutiny from early in your career you want to remain "young." But really....didn't anyone learn anything from Kenny Rogers??? Or Joan Rivers with a twenty year old face and seventy year old cankles! People - We KNOW you have had "some" work done....geeeeezzzz don't these people ask for references???

"Do you happen to have a book of pictures of people you have done work for?"

"Oh yes, here it is."

Scream of shock and horror......"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh."

"Yes, THAT IS CHER!!!!!"

"Okay....sign me up."

****

Of course there are some people who I think could use just a little work - like Paul McCartney:

HAHAHA sorry...that isn't Paul McCartney. This is an old joke.....this is Angela Landsbury, but you have to admit.......well...... here he is:

Maybe a little around the eyes and some jaw line work.....at least then it will match his .....natural hair colour, which is obviously........... still .....brown.



Things I have learned this week:

I read a story about woman who was suffering from brain cancer, but spent 40,000 pounds on plastic surgery before she died so when laid to rest she looked like Demi Moore. I really, really, really hope she didn't go to Barry Manilows' guy!

****

Lady Gaga has actually HAD a nose job! Really? - I think she can still use one...that is...if she wants too because she really doesn't like to draw attention to herself. Hey, maybe that is why no one has noticed her nose job!!! You can't get passed her circus outfits.

***

Someone has designed waterproof boxer shorts to "let you keep gadgets in your pants". Huh? I know what you are thinking.....but they mean gadgets like your cell phone and, a bonus, the lightweight briefs have two airtight pockets to store your passport, cash and credit cards and are waterproof to 200 feet. For those people who just can't put that phone down even while scuba diving. Resistance is futile...you cannot escape!!!!

****

Only in OZ you say. A 70-year-old man has had a 4 inch fork removed from his penis after it became lodged there during a sexual act. Ya know I can't even comment.........

***

You can find your muse in the most interesting places. This last week I have had two sort of wake up calls - not literally by phone though. One was my girlfriend in Edmonton who told me my Blog doesn't sound like me. Apparently my old Blog had a style - even though unintentional - and it sounded like ME. Hmmmm, I thought, that isn't good - have I lost myself somewhere? Then another friend gave me a book and I read the first few pages and thought "OMG" actually I though "Oh My God" because it would be strange to say OMG to yourself - but then I think saying OMG at anytime is strange......the book was ME - as in, the author wrote just like the voices in my head! Good voices, not the bad ones that tell you to go kill your neighbour or anything, the ones that bounce around like a ping pong ball from one idea to another and you really do have to WRITE THEM DOWN. I had lost that urge to write things down....but now I have found it again. So I am going to start writing......which is probably really, really bad timing. In fact, probably doesn't enter into it - I have a father in law with dementia whose apartment needs to be emptied out, a cat with lymphoma, a house full of relatives arriving and we are leaving for England/Iceland in 17 days!!!!

Luckily we are headed to the cottage this weekend. I went up to my husband and said "bring the laptop" sort of like the ad for WalMart with the lady who yells "start the care, start the car" His eyes lit up.....because he has seen this look before. When I write I don't clean, don't cook, drink copious amounts of coffee and everything and everyone had better stay out of my way. I once wrote an entire door stop sized novel in ten days!

So, for all of those who encourage me to write, you are getting your wish. I will try not to disappoint......because "you like me....you really like me."

Can I Get My Money Back???

We went to see the movie Elysium on the BIG SCREEN! $27.00 later plus a huge bag of popcorn and two waters....we could have gone out for a nice meal. Where is Scotia Bank when you need them????

The movie was okay and could have been a rental instead, but sometimes you want to see the effects larger than life. The plot was thin, the effects so so but what really got me was Jodie Foster.

When she started to speak my first thought was that she didn't normally talk like that....did she??? Was she trying out some strange futuristic accent? (even though it was all about Earth not some unknown planet with aliens). As........ in......maybe...acting.

"Jodie - you sound too mid west USA. Can you do an accent?"

"Wha kand of a accent?"

"Oh, I don't care and it doesn't matter anyway because the people who will watch this won't notice......they are all about action. Just make one up."

"Haw 'bout a Lady Diana Spencer, Nelson Mandaaaallaish white South African, with a hint of Tyra Banks....or perhaps Martian????"

"Sure -  why not - it's supposed to be the year 2154. You could have been brought up all around the planet AND outer space. If we don't like it we can overdub later."

As I watched, in one scene she stiffly turns her head onto her shoulder, as if to whisper into her ear piece (so no one around her can hear even though she is all by herself!)  to another bad guy (yes...she is a sort of bad guy)....and I SWEAR what came out of her mouth was NOT what she said.....over dubbed with a completely different comment???

It's not worth watching again to see if this is what is happening....but I found it really, really strange and was more fascinated with watching her mouth than the metal enhanced, Matt Damon, running around pumped up on some drugs while totally irradiated and having only five days to live, pummelling a lot of South Africans....really....like I said - a rental.  Hint: Matt Damon works in a factory....making ....guess what????....ROBOTS.....and THIS is the future???


Things I've learned this week:

If you spend three hours in a Tim Horton's you come out smelling like a fried donut.

****

Sometimes loves comes in strange shapes. Sally Colburn had been married to Jack for 50 years when he died of lung cancer in May. She has been missing him and while frying up some onions and potatoes it was more than that that made a tear come to her eye. The last potato in the bag was a heart shape. Explained Sally, "It was a sign from him. He grew up in Alabama and was raised on potatoes." I figure if she keeps it long enough it just may sprout wings.

****

A laser that predicts when you are going to die has been invented by scientists.
The beam is painless and can also be used to test for diseases including cancer and dementia. It comes in a wrist watch-style device that analyses tiny cells inside the capillaries to work out how quickly the body will age. Grades, rated from 0, meaning death, to 100, equaling optimum function, are then used by scientists to calculate how long a person has left to live. It has been patented by two professors from Lancaster University.

The device is expected to be available to doctors within the next THREE YEARS and will make these two very, very rich, but when one of the professors tried it on herself she stated "Okay, better make that THREE WEEKS."  ALRIGHT!  I made that last part up.

BUT IS IT ART??????

So I am perusing the Saturday newspaper - an ACTUAL paper newspaper not an on line copy - flip, crinkle, flip, flip.....and I come to the Arts and Life Section.

At one point the Obituary section was in this part of the paper until someone pointed out the obvious....sort of like our local Alzheimer's yearly big bang fund raising gala titled: A Night to Remember.   HHHMMM........Well....may be not.

Anyway - The Social Page, in the aforementioned Arts and Life section, is the local community page. Every week is shows a lineup of smiling faces of those attending fund raising events - fashion shows, galas, art shows....I always look at these because sometimes I actually KNOW the people!

So this week the Winnipeg Art Gallery (or The WAG as they call it - how cute....not really) had an art show showcasing some of the work from art classes held there. Now, I understand, art is subjective and not everyone likes the same thing or even considers some of the pieces 'art.' But really.....there is a picture of two women standing in front of some artwork and the caption reads....(I will use pretend names instead of full names so I don't get sued...)

"Amanda Icanuseapaintbrush (with her untitled art work), and Millie Whowishesshecouldpaintlikeherfriend"

Whoa - with her...what.....'Untitled art work'!!!!!! You would think that if you had enough imagination to actually paint something you could, in the hours it takes to paint it, come up with a title. This particular untitled painting had a bunch of hands outstretched....hands, okay, good start here Amanda....so don't call it "My Best Foot Forward."

Being the true researcher I am, I asked myself "Colleen....how many paintings are there titled "Untitled?"" I shrugged and I turned to my best friend Mr. Google....actually I used Mr Bing this time...but what the hey. Lo and behold there are actually A LOT of paintings/sculptures/dodads entitled "Untitled."

Here is one example:

I know, I know....I was....speechless for a moment too.

I think I would call it "Mr. Lucky" .....for one large, obvious reason only. 

And, truth been known, I have actually been to art shows where every other picture is entitled "Untitled." It drives me NUTS! I feel like finding the artist and asking "Couldn't you come up with SOMETHING?  ANYTHING? No....NOTHING......?"

Of course some of these paintings have been rather......hhhmmmm......obscure, so maybe even they couldn't put their finger on it. Or, being artists....or arteeesstttsss...they just say "It is what YOU want it to be....I am just the arteesssttsss." My  head hurts....

Things I have learned this week:

A 'bunch' of cats, domestic or feral, is called a Clower. I know! - isn't that interesting....and unheard of???

So once again I researched and was reading on Mr. Goggle......" a pride of lions, lepe of leopards, a tribe of goats and a richness of martinis".....MARTINIS??? Wait a minute.....if I have more than one martini I can actually say I have had a 'richness?" Then I re-read it and it said "a richness of MARTINS." Hahaha....I like it the way I read it better.

When I told my husband about the clower of cats being factual he asked me "Where did we hear that again?" ......I replied...."Sheldon - Big Bang Theory" - I know......Isn't that where everyone gets their facts???

****

A few Blogs ago I suggested that you could, indeed, take too many pictures of your cat. I stand corrected.......My cat Lily has cancer. I actually found this out a few weeks ago and have been processing it. She is 15 years old, lived her entire life on acreage where she can roam free and catch mice and birds. She has never been sick before and I have loved her from the moment I picked her up out of the bush on our property where someone had discarded her. She has always been MY cat and follows me everywhere. Now that we know her days are numbered we are giving her more cuddles, more milk, more of her favourite food (except shrimp which she projectile vomits - really, you have to draw the line...). Strangely,
since being pronounced "dead cat walking" she has caught more mice, chased more grasshoppers and eats ravenously about ten times a day! !!!!  BUT - It has given me pause. Perhaps if we all had our expiration dates stamped on the bottoms of our feet, for those who care to look....we would all be a lot nicer to one another. From the moment we are born we are steadily headed in that direction...some just sooner than others...and if we knew ahead of time.....well, who knows.