AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT- MAYBE

This is part of my  "Voices in my Head" series, which some day may be a book...or not. It is basically random thoughts I have and it is an aid to help you sleep. You know when you wake up at 3 a.m. and you just keep thinking crazy thoughts.....like if you have a gun, five acres and a shovel can you really get away with murder. Okay, so maybe not that thought exactly. But I find there is nothing like a good book when sleep is illusive. Not one that is "unputdownable" or "page turnable" but one that is soothing - or in this case so rambling that you will find you no longer need all those sheep because you are bored to ....well...sleep. So, watch for it in the Sleep Aid aisle at a drug store near you.

Jason Statham and I colour my hair:

So we are off to England in a week or so and I have to colour my hair before we go. I have been waiting to do this so that the grey doesn't come in too much by the time we are heading back. Timing is everything. I have also been experimenting with trying to find the perfect colour...not too red, not too blonde...but lighter so that I don't have to colour it so often and you can't see the grey coming in so soon. Okay got that??

So, my husband says,'Let's watch Jason Statham tonight."

Now, for those of you who don't know who he is, he is from some Guy Ritchie movies. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Revolver, Snatch just to name a few. If you really don't know who he is look him up - for a guy with a heavy close shave and no hair he is pretty nice to look at.  AND - If you don't know who Guy Ritchie is he is Madonna ex husband - the English one - not one of the American ones. AND - If you don't know who Madonna is you must have been living under a rock for a very long time.

So, I get all my housey stuff done, talk to my girlfriend, think about doing some laundry and then with a half hour to spare I colour my hair.  I experiment....because...noted above.....I am trying to find the perfect colour. I plan to mix:

a half bottle of red

and a half bottle of ash blonde

I KNOW! It could turn out green!!! Actually NOT, because I went on The Google and asked it - sort of like a crystal ball - how to get the red out of red hair. Sort of a backward way to get the right colour but what the hell. On some obscure chat line it said to mix an ash blonde in with the red and it will neutralize it. Then I thought - I could have asked my hairdresser, who happens to be my daughter.

As I am about to start colouring my hair I remember I need to use an old towel, because as any of you natural redheads (?) know, the colour will come off on a towel for a while...maybe...perhaps...but who wants to wreck a perfectly good towel. So, I go downstairs to the cupboard where I keep old towels, shoe polish, cleaning products, mouse traps, mattress mite killer.....really....anything you need to survive you could find in that cupboard. Except food of course!!!

I notice the dryer has stopped so I fold some clothing and while doing this see the cat box needs to be cleaned and oh, they need some food as well. The cooler from the lake trip is still sitting there so it has to go back the garage and I move it to the door and go upstairs to start my hair.

Oh - towel. Back downstairs I go with a single mission....towel...towel...eyes straight ahead, don't get distracted.

Finally I get to mix my colour, eye balling it because after all it is an 'experiment'  and merrily apply it to my hair, wait 30 minutes and get into the shower. All the while....I am thinking about Jason Statham. BECAUSE: Guy Ritchie actually discovered Jason.

Jason and his dad had a business going on - well, to call it a business is maybe a stretch. They used to sell jewelry (really bad, cheap jewelry) on the sidewalk outside of Harrod's of London. In London, England - hence Jason's accent.  One day Guy is walking by and he sees a crowd around Jason and his dad flogging this really crap jewelry and he walks up to Jason and asks him if he has ever done any acting.

I'm sure after Jason told Guy to F off  - because don't forget this is London and everyone in London uses the F word. (Pass the F...ing peas please, mom. - I kid you not) Anyway I am sure Jason thought he was being hit on by some pervert - at least that would be MY first thought. I am guessing after some smooth talking by Guy, - maybe he pulled out a wedding picture of himself and Madge - Jason realized that this guy was really Guy, the guy....Guy Ritchie. And at that time married to Madonna, but we have already been down that road.

I am in the shower by now and I remember part of my "how to not get red hair that is too red" program is to wash with dandruff shampoo. Again - I have consulted The Google.

Crap! I forgot to get the shampoo from the bathroom cupboard! I leave the water running and I flip the old towel I got from the downstairs out to make a sort of towel pathway so water doesn't drip all over and then quickly duck back into the shower.

As I am lathering I am thinking....I may have actually MET Jason Statham, because I have been to London, England and have stood outside Harrod's of London and actually looked at some really crap jewelry being flogged by some guys....who by the way will quickly fold up their tents and run like hell if they see a copper coming around. And really....Harrod's is one of the, THE, largest department stores in the whole world so if you are dim enough to buy some crap jewelry from shysters on the sidewalk you deserve to be ripped off. But I have seen this with my own eyes and it COULD have been Jason - really - when you think about it is........ possible.

By now, I have put so much shampoo on my head I feel like I have five inches of meringue on the top of my head. Time to condition like hell then get out and see what colour I have created.

Red hair - same colour.

****

Opposable thumbs. Now don't start sending me some nasty emails after you have read this about how I am picking on people/things that don't have opposable thumbs. I am merely stating that we really do take things for granted...things like thumbs. I think we should all bow our heads and give thanks to....whoever...for providing us with this terrific digit. Because, just think, without them ....

You can't lick and turn a page

You can't change your gears on a bike

You can't text

You can't pose like a cowboy....just to list a few  

I know you who don't have thumbs can really do all these things....you just can't do them with your thumbs because you don't have thumbs. So to all of those without thumbs, we with thumbs salute you....oh sorry! High five....no, never mind. Shake? wrong again.....fist bump?

Things I have learned this week:

Cats on death row can make you stand back and scratch your head. Ever since "dead cat walking" Lily has been told she has Lymphoma she has been eating like crazy and....gaining weight! I think that no one will be more surprised than her when she goes to that big littler box in the sky. 

You can be happy in your own little world. Some of you know that my husband's  dad has been moved to a "nursing home" for lack of a better world hahaha  ..I actually typed that when I meant - word - but it still fits!!! Every day is a new day and he seems extremely happy. I visited him the other day and while on a quest to find a slipper (don't ask) we passed a man in a wheelchair hollering "let me outta here, let me outta  here."  My father-in-law turned to me and with a very serious look stated, "They're all drunk in here."  I really did have to laugh.


And speaking of your own little world....what???? It's Lady GA...GA

What???? Is she thinking??????

Hope says she is never going to read to my husband again...he always falls asleep during the best part!