BITS AND BOBS FROM THE WEEK THAT WAS

"We are in need of a shower for a basement project. After checking out the usual places like HomeDepot and Rona I thought I would just have a look at the local 'buy and sell' online sties.

Really people - do you have NO salesmanship??? Among the few I looked at, here is  just a sampling of some of the descriptions.

"shower - needs cleaning" Okay, this has to be a man. Why don't you just clean the damn thing and ask a better price....or is this your WIFE'S job??

"small chip - you can repair it" Is this why you are getting rid of it in the first place? A small chip that happens to be on the bottom where the water will leak out. And if it is so easy to repair.....why don't you do it?

"Shower, still in packaging but blocking garage door" - So, I have to ask...why don't you return it to the store where you bought it? Oh, right...it 'fell' off the back of a truck.

If you are going to SELL something then sell it. Don't leave the mess for someone else to clean up or give too much information, like: child's mattress - only peed on once or area rug - small stain where cat threw up.

Needless to say, we are going to buy NEW.

****

We have a local artist, Wanda Koop, of....some renown...at least she is here. I have seen a few of her pieces and I have to admit that I probably wouldn't hang any in my house. But art is subjective.....

I have no idea what Wanda was thinking when she did this. Car goes off ramp on a foggy night?

ANYWAY - I read this article in the local paper:

"The Canadian Art Foundation will launch a new fund in honour of Winnipeg artist Wanda Koop.

The Wanda Koop Research Fund, will offer support to artists who would like to start their research or are completing their research"

It was early morning and I was just starting to sip my coffee and I read it like this:
 "artists who would like to start their research or are contemplating their research" and I thought, Wow, that is just stupid. Contemplating?

"Why do you think you deserve this grant?"

"Well, I was sitting on my sofa last night and I thought - I could do some research, or at least contemplate doing research into, I dunno, something. I mean you can always research something. Like my navel - yes - contemplation of my navel and I'll call it ART."

"Okay - you just got a grant Mister!"

I had this entire discussion in my head and when dear husband walked in I told him all about it....and then I re-read the article. Whooooppss! Sorry Wanda.


Things I have learned this week:

Just when you think a job is finished....it really isn't.....and neither is my list of things to do!

***

The iconic children's book series "Where's Waldo?" portrays Waldo as a character with a knack for blending in with the crowd and the object is to find him on the pages.

It's a skill Waldo's real-life counterparts apparently have yet to learn, as a bachelor party dressed in the character's signature red and white stripes found itself captured on video amid a train-station brawl in Manchester, England.

In the absurd video, which lasts a little over a minute, one of the Manchester fans appears to start the argument, leaning over the divider between two moving walkways and pushing a Waldo, who responds with his own retaliatory shove. From there, the argument grows more heated, with a second Manchester fan smashing his crutch over the head of a second Waldo, leading to an all-out brawl. Police rush into the scene shortly thereafter.

According to the Manchester Evening News, only one of the Waldo impersonators, Stephen Hargreaves, was found guilty, while all four members of the opposite group, John Eyre, Jack Eyre, Rhys Eyre and Ross Hunter, were charged for their roles in the incident.

Where's Waldo....I guess jail.

***

Apparently WAY back in January....

A tunnel in Norway was closed - by a lorry-load of burning cheese.

About 27 tonnes of caramelised brown goat cheese - a delicacy known as Brunost - caught light as it was being driven through the Brattli Tunnel.

The fire raged for five days and smouldering toxic gases were slowing the recovery operation, officials said. Toxic gases?....from the cheese or the tunnel construction?

Police officer Viggo Berg said the high concentration of fat and sugar in the cheese made it burn "almost like petrol if it gets hot enough".

The lorry driver had noticed the fire in his trailer and abandoned it about 300m from the southern entrance. In other words - he decided to get to hell away from his load of Brunost, delicacy or not.

Kjell Bjoern Vinje, of the Norwegian Public Roads Administration, said it was the first time he could remember cheese catching fire on Norwegian roads. Yes, and likely the last, I'm thinkin'

"I didn't know that brown cheese burns so well," he said. Well, Kjell, now ya know.

***

Some fish, or maybe all fish, can actually cradle into a plant and sleep. I went to feed my two remaining guys and one was laying out on a leaf....immediately I thought - there goes another one! I tapped the glass - which you are NOT supposed to do and.... nothing. So I fed the one swimming about and lo and behold the other one 'woke up' and started to eat. I thought he was a goner, but the fish came back.

***

Prison has not being kind to dear old Grammy winning music legend Phil Spector. He never was a handsome, leading man kind of guy but now he looks like something out of Lord of the Rings - and I don't mean in a good way - very Gollum-like.

Yes, Phil, smiling always makes you look so much better

I think it's the ears.......and the nose....or perhaps the forehead

WHAT TO CALL THIS DAY....OH, FRIDAY....

Apparently this last week was "National Payroll Week" - I kid you not. The reason being:

"Canada's payroll professionals are responsible for ensuring that $860 billion in annual wages and taxable benefits get paid to employees, accurately and on time."

YES - I do believe that is called - their job!  Along with the ad - yes! there was an actual ad in the paper - there was a picture outline of Canada with a bunch of faces with their jaws dropped.....because...What if they didn't receive their pay cheque?

Oh My! I had no idea that there is actually a Canadian Payroll Association, who obviously paid for the ad in the paper. Scrooge will be spinning in his fictional coffin!

When dear husband read this ad in the paper he said "What is next - National Boink Your Neighbour's Wife Week?"

To which I replied "Only if they are PROFESSIONAL Boinkers." 

AND THEN - he pointed out a newsclip which stated that August 30th is.....National Roasted Marshmallow Day. (How DOES he find these things? Beats me, but gives me great fodder for my Blog). 

Apparently, the U.S. Forest Service was instructing Americans how to successfully toast a marshmallow without injuring themselves. What is the fun of roasting a marshmallow with your family without at least one of you either having your marshmallow catch on fire and whipping it about frantically while everyone else is diving for cover? OR having the burning goo stick to your hand while you......stick it in your mouth to get it off....now burning your mouth. Isn't that what it is all about???

Well, no, the U.S. Forestry Service wants you to NOT dip your marshmallow in chocolate (How about Baileys??) and attach a piece of fruit instead and when making S'mores, don't use a Graham cracker but a slice of angel food cake....This is in the name of NUTRITION and safety I suppose. Good Grief is nothing sacred?

****

Soon after this, dear husband had a bit of a melt down at the local Tim Hortons.

On the back page of the Metro newspaper was an ad for ZEV custom apparel. One of the captions states:

Tailored Like You.

Well, seeing as they make custom suits I would hope they would be tailored somewhat like your body.  But that wasn't what got dear husband.

"Look at this guys suit!" he exclaimed "it doesn't even fit him."

I looked at the picture and sure enough he had a smiley crotch, the suit jacket seemed too short, the sleeves looked short and the two buttons on the jacket actually made it pull across his chest.  

"And what is with that tie? It's not the right knot for that shirt!!"

My first thought was - "When did dear husband become the fashion police?" and my second thought was "What was the photographer thinking?" They could have fixed it with a bit of Photoshopping or perhaps this is the NEW LOOK. If the NEW LOOK is one where you look like you borrowed your smaller and younger brothers suit and slapped a haphazardly tied tie onto the shirt. 

He also looks like he needs a good poop.

*****

And speaking of fashion. Just when you thought you had seen everything....

What the hell is this??

Things I have learned this week:

We have a favorite restaurant and have gotten to know the owners and their children over the years. The daughter went to the same school as ours, only a few years ahead of her, and we always ask what she is doing etc. etc.

The other night we dropped in and she was there, so on the way out I asked her what she was up to these days.

"I just came back from New York. I was studying at Columbia and I have an installation at a museum coming up."

Wow - I knew she had been studying 'Art' for years so when I got home I immediately got on The Google to see what her "installation" could possibly be.

Well.......I am not a prude by any stretch, but I could certainly see how this may offend the masses.

After twelve years of private schooling, about 14 years of University courses, her only job being working in her parents restaurant, and applying for and receiving a Canada Council Grant she has come up with....

A script written, hot pink neon phrase which hangs on a wall in a bare room. The singe phrase reads:

I'mf*****gyou   with the middle word blinking on and off

In my opinion - she certainly is.

***

People in Calgary are being warned to steer clear of the South Health Campus after a cougar wandered to areas just outside the hospital.

Crews are also trying to corral a second cougar that was spotted in the nearby community of Seton. It’s in a stairwell of a building on Martet Street, police said.

THIS ISN'T WHAT I HAD IN MIND....

This week there was an enormous amount of rain that fell on Arizona, causing flooding of Biblical proportions. Our house is about ninety minutes north of the flooding area, and our lot is quite high in comparison to the houses around us...so I wasn't worried. But it did bring to mind the comment my neighbour made about how people who drive through flood areas and get swept away by the waters can be fined - big time.

The “Stupid Motorist Law”, which corresponds to section 28-910 of the Arizona Revised Statutes, states that any motorist who becomes stranded after driving around barricades to enter a flooded stretch of roadway may be charged for the cost of his/her rescue.

The need for the law came from the lack of storm sewers in the deserts of the Southwestern United States, combined with heavy rainfall in the desert, usually associated with the summer monsoon. If public emergency services, such as a fire department, or paramedics are called to rescue the motorist and tow the vehicle out of danger, the cost of those services can be billed to the motorist, plus additional liability of up to $2,000.

Common sense you say? Huh?

A group of tourists on their way back from sightseeing at the Grand Canyon are lucky to be alive after their tour bus was swept away by flood waters in northern Arizona. The water then carried the bus 300 yards before it flipped onto its side in the flooded wash.

In all, 33 people were on the bus when it flipped. Thankfully, none of them were injured.

A spokesman for the Northern Arizona Consolidated Fire District said the bus approached a low-lying area and was swept away by a flash flood. There had been announcements on the radio and everyone in Arizona knows not to drive into a flooded road or intersection, especially after a heavy downpour....except for this bus driver it seems.

The passengers and the driver managed to escape the bus by climbing through windows and swimming to dry land. Even more scary - by the time the passengers had escaped, the water had risen to 8 feet in some areas.

And then there is the case of the driver of a medical transport van who waits to find out if she will be cited for ignoring a barricade and driving into a flooded Scottsdale intersection, where she and her patient, in a wheelchair, had to be rescued by the fire department.....who luckily had a very long ladder!

At another location, an officer used his cell phone to record a white Ford Bronco as it entered a flooded wash near Lost Dutchman Boulevard. The vehicle was quickly overtaken by the rushing current and swept way downstream.

Several local, county and state rescue agencies responded, including the Department for Public Safety, which used a helicopter to rescue the two 19-year-old men in the vehicle.

Yup, I have a big truck and I can ride through anything!!!!As they went hurtling down the wash screaming like little girls.


***

I was a little dismayed this week when I fed the fish and discovered that SIX had gone missing....as in....nowhere to be found - no little decaying bodies bobbing around - nothing!

I called to dear husband "the Neon's are gone!"

"the Neon?" - as in, the neon light in our kitchen....

"No - the Neon Tetra's in the tank. They have disappeared."

He came down the stairs, coffee mug in hand, robe flapping at his bare legs, "Well," he said after observing the tank for a moment. "the fact that the other fish aren't eating should give you a clue."

WHAT? My two other guys ATE my Neons???

Why, after months of cohabiting, have the two big buys suddenly turned on ALL SIX of my little guys. And they weren't that little.....I have seen them grow from practically little dots to lovely turquoise blue and red shimmering flashes.

So, now what do I do? Get more Neons so that they can become lunch? Get more big guys, who may eventually beat the crap out of my existing big guys? Hhhhmm? I think I will wait until early next year to replenish the stock. We will be away and I don't want our housesitter to have to worry about who is eating who in the water world.

Another of the world's great mysteries.......



Things I have learned this week:

I think this husband is glad to get rid of her....I'm just sayin'

Mrs. Sonia Van Meter ( I emphasize MRS. ) has applied to be in one of the groups heading to Mars...a one way trip to Mars that is.

Apparently she is not the only nutbar on the planet...as in THIS planet...as 200,000 people applied to Mars One to be considered.

Mrs. Van Meter thought this was an opportunity that just couldn't be missed. "My purpose on this mission is to help people back on Earth to look up." Look Up??? At what - Mars? I think we can all do that by just tilting our heads on a daily basis Sonia.

And her husband, who didn't think it was a really great idea to begin with, has come round.

"Living without her will be agony that I will have to share with the WORLD." He stated rather dramatically if you ask me..... Sorry, buddy, but I don't think I will be in agony over this.

He continues....."I'll be MR. Sonia Van Meter for the rest of my life, showing up to cut the ribbon at Sonia Van Meter High School and telling her story here on Earth." Well, It's all about YOU isn't it mister.

Back to Sonia and it's all about HER. "I am incredibly fortunate in that I have a remarkable family....to leave behind."

AND every year, several times a year...she watches Apollo 13...you know...the one where the mission nearly ended in disaster!!!

NUTBAR alert...if you see this woman....just back away slowly

Strangely enough her stepchildren, Henry and Hatcher, think it's cool that their stepmom has decided to be this hero. Yes - we all know how children feel about their stepmoms now don't we????That won't be a broom she'll be flyin' on kids!

So, it seems there are now FIFTY ONE ways to leave your lover.......Leave the planet, Janet....Get lost in space, Grace! Good on ya, Sonia!

WHAT IS THAT BUZZING???

Things I dislike about the Fall season.....

Flies get stupid. Not that I think an insect that eats....well....anything that isn't moving, is that smart. But in the Fall they fly around and seem a bit off. They land on your nose. I mean, really? Why? They doze around in circles for what seems like forever - just what are they looking for with those compound eyes??

But, they are even easier to swat. That is the BIG ones. Then there are those pesky fruit flies that come into your house at this time of year.

We have friends who have gardens - produce gardens. They welcome their first ripened tomato like the second coming. Watching, waiting and guarding it until it is a glorious red and then delicately plucking it from the vine and marching ceremoniously into the house for the rest of the family to ohhhh and ahhhh over the first of what they hope will be a bountiful harvest.... they then hoard the few dozen or so after that.... and THEN - well - when the yields are truly overwhelming...they can't get rid of them fast enough.

'Get your tomatoes here. Get 'em before they are too ripe. Get your tomatoes...you can eat them off the vine, you can slice 'em or dice 'em, even can them for winter......we are sick to death of friggin' tomatoes....'

The joys of over planting.

Honestly, my neighbour has given us about six giant cucumber every day for the last week! Not the nice little cucumbers or zucchinis that we can actually use; more like the size from The Pod People in a horror flick. We don't even eat cucumber that much in the first place. AND his tomatoes - the gnarly looking ones with lots of dirt packed into the bottom where they have been sitting on the ground for a few weeks have been arriving on our doorstep in buckets. Thanks! BECAUSE along with all this produce you get pesky fruit flies. They hover, by the masses, around the cat food, the empty beer bottles, any fruit or veggies you have laying around, in wine glasses from last night......and you just can't get rid of them.

Well....here is why:

Using high-resolution, high-speed digital imaging of fruit flies faced with a looming swatter, researcher Mr. Dickinson and graduate student Gwyneth Card have determined the secret to a fly's evasive manoeuvring. Long before the fly leaps, its tiny brain calculates the location of the impending threat, comes up with an escape plan, and places its legs in an optimal position to hop out of the way in the opposite direction. All of this action takes place within about 100 milliseconds after the fly first spots the swatter.

 Dickinson's research also suggests an optimal method for actually swatting a fly. "It is best not to swat at the fly's starting position, but rather to aim a bit forward of that to anticipate where the fly is going to jump when it first sees your swatter," he says.

So, if you see me madly swatting the air with my fly swatter it is because I am trying to anticipate where the gazillion fruit flies will be next......or at the best, I will hit a few just by flailing about.

*****

Fall, when my flower plants need to be plucked out and tossed away. When do you do this? I hate to pull up perfectly good, blooming, plants that I have watered and fertilized all summer just because it is Fall. Do you wait for the first frost and then pull them out - all wilty and wet? Or be pre-emptive? Every year I agonize over this and generally wait too long, the first snow comes and I don't have to worry about it until the next spring....when everything is bone dry and brittle and very hard to pull out of the pot.

****

Fall, when I have to put all of the summer furniture away for the winter. It was so much fun putting it out and anticipating warm summer days and nights....but now.....winter loooooommmmms!


Things I have learned this week:

Busy people get things done. We are on the countdown to heading south for almost a month and our list of things to do just keeps getting longer - but I know we will, somehow, have it all done by the time we leave.....I hope.

***

Even my cat hates the Fall. She has been waking us up at the crack of dawn all summer. Now that the nights are cooler she doesn't come down from the loft until the sun is well up and warming the day. Either that or she is just old and can't get up as fast as she used to.....I can relate.

***

House flies are carriers of numerous pathogenic bacteria. Gangrene, tuberculosis, dysentery, anthrax, plague and different types of poisoning are just some of diseases transmitted by flies. (Hope you aren't eating breakfast as you read this!!) They also 'poop' several times a minute.......eeeewwwww