IF IT'S FRIDAY THEN THIS IS FROM ME

It's been a funny week....not just the weather, which feels more like October..but..like summer by noon,  just some funny stuff that has happened.

We had some friends in from out of town and they wanted to meet for a dinner. I tried reservations at several of our haunts but to no avail, everyone was booked up. Then we decided that the NEXT day would work better for us and I went to the computer to get the number for The Peasant Cookery. Except, I somehow typed  this in:

the peasant cokerye ey

Up came:

The History of Latvia

Revolting Peasants - from the movie Monty Python did

Peasants War events......and so on.

I Actually READ the History of Latvia - I mean it was right there on the screen so why not? AND it had this warning:

"An automated process has detected links on this page on the local or global blacklist. If the links are appropriate you may request whitelisting by following these instructions; otherwise consider removing or replacing them with more appropriate links."

What? I didn't DARE click on the Blacklisted link section....I mean, you never know when a bunch of Baltic bullies could come break down your door for reading the wrong thing on The Google.

So - just watch what you type people cuz BIG Brother is......... watching...every...move.......just ask the guy who was caught on tape abusing a poor little dog in a Vancouver elevator - Believe me he's going to get his!!! (Fist in the air - BASTARD!) and rightly deserved.

****

And it was a funny week for Mrs. Fulton of the British Isles when she received a letter saying how sorry the letter writer - Standard Life - was to hear of her untimely death.

The 80-year-old widow received a letter pronouncing her dead after her pension provider made a "clerical error".

 She found a short message of condolence from an employee at Standard Life, which read: "I was sorry to learn of Mrs Fulton's death when the bank returned her June pension instalment to us. I offer my sincere condolences on behalf of Standard Life."

"Please can you contact me with the date that Mrs Fulton passed away." Enclosed was a prepaid envelope and a telephone number.

Mrs Fulton, who was described as frail by neighbours acting on her behalf, said she was left "extremely upset". The widow suffered a severe stroke almost a decade ago and lived alone.

"You can imagine how shocked I was to receive the letter," Mrs Fulton said. "Fortunately I still have my wits about me, but I dread to think what the consequences could have been for someone in more fragile health than myself." Wait a minute Mrs. Fulton...you didn't even notice there was no money in your bank!

AND I had to think......did it even cross her mind that she really was DECEASED? I mean really - she lives alone, has health issues, SAYS she has her wits about her......did she never watch the movie where the little boy says "I see dead people." Who can now say "I see a dead career" because I haven't seen him in anything since.

Remember this guy......???

Anyway - that thought that I thought Mrs. Fulton might think....well....it just crossed MY mind.

Thank you for your time,

Tangents R Us

****

As many of you know we had a family gathering last week. My dear husband's cousin came from Iceland. She has a charming accent and is quite funny. The three of us were sitting around the living room after everyone else had gone to bed and I got talking about the show VIKINGS!.

I said "I know you told me that most of it was "bullshit" when we talked about it before, but I think you would enjoy it."

She said that not ALL of it was "Bullshit", just the touristy part they peddle to visitors. Then she asked me "Do you know what Lothbrok means in Icelandic?" 

I confessed that I didn't know what the main characters name - Ragnar Lothbrok meant in Icelandic.

She sits up and looks me in the eye (she IS a teacher) and says:

"Ragnar Fairytrousers"

I blinked and thought, well that IS a strange name for a Viking. Then my dear husband burst out laughing.  

Our cousin looked at us and then asked "Oh, did I say FAIRYtrousers? I meant HAIRYtrousers." Which only made us laugh harder.

Well, English is her second, third or perhaps fourth language.

I miss her.

Things I've learned this week:

Never, ever try to pee off the hot tub deck when it has been raining.....I will not say any more.( It is only about six inches high.....no person....or animal....was hurt during this episode. )

***

Binge series watching can be fun. Yes, Hooked again - thanks Parsons for suggesting Breaking Bad!!! Didn't get to bed until after midnight and I have a busy day today.....


****

Long weekends to the self employed mean nothing.

AND IN THE END....

I often say "You are never as good as the day you die." 

I have heard of people passing away - people who were.....bastards in real life. Never gave a thought to anyone but themselves, mean spirited, evil people BUT they pass away and the tears begin to fall and the moaning and gnashing of teeth begins. And I think to myself "Are we talking about the same person here?" 

Others of course are saints who don't get their due either, thanks to ungrateful children, siblings, family who are all consumed with their own lives and never ever gave a bit of thought to all the stuff the deceased person has done for them over the years. These people deserve the tears of remorse...but I suppose it is on a deceased to deceased basis......

ANYWAY - 

When my niece, the teacher, was here last week she was telling me about what was happening with her new school semester coming in September. She had read a book about Ukrainian/Polish immigrates who had settle in Cooks' Creek not far from where we live. Following that conversation we got talking about our own relatives - namely my father, her grandfather - who had actually immigrated to Canada in the mid 1920's from the Ukraine. We discussed what I know about the family and I am afraid the information is sadly lacking but "I MAY have a few things around to help us out." I told her. "I do have my grandfathers passport - somewhere in the garage...!!!"

A few days later I decided to dig through some of my own mother's papers I have in boxes tucked into the bookcase....and lo and behold I came across the obituary for my Polish grandfather. Much excitement...and a start to finding out more.

At dinner I showed my dear husband and mentioned that it seemed to include everyone in the family - except us!! My brothers were mentioned and my aunt but no mention of his granddaughter...me ....and upon further reading his other TWO granddaughters. 

Upon further pondering my husband asked,

"Can I see that again?"

He glanced at it and exclaimed, "Your mom's not on here either."

WHAT!!! - my dad, my brothers but not my Mom????? The ONE person who was so kind and thoughtful toward my Grandfather!!

I have no idea who wrote this obituary out, but it certainly wasn't anyone who knew much about my grandfather's family. Very, very strange. So - note to you all - maybe you had better write your own Obituary or at least leave a few notes so people reading it will get the whole story.

Then, of course, I started to snoop around The Google for "Strange Obituaries."

The first one I came across read:

"STRANGE - Randy Thomas died peacefully....."

OOOPPS, his last name was Strange. Let's try "STRANGEST OBITUARIES."

and I hit the jackpot. Here are but a few....

I have NO idea!!

**

"Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing… There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart."

WOW - she certainly pissed someone off! I guess my theory on never being as good as the day you die doesn't apply to this family.

**
Louis Casimir, a retired University English professor, wrote it himself before he passed on.

"Louis J. Casimir Jr. bought the farm Thursday, Feb. 5, 2004, having lived more than twice as long as he had expected and probably three or four times as long as he deserved. Although he was born into an impecunious family, in a backward and benighted part of the country at the beginning of the Great Depression, he never in his life suffered any real hardships. Many of his childhood friends who weren't killed or maimed in various wars became petty criminals, prostitutes, and/or Republicans. Lou was a daredevil: his last words were “Watch this!”

**

I could go on an on...but instead I will finish with this wonderful piece of whimsy which appeared in Mad magazine.

Waldo, 36, is missing and presumed dead. "We Gave up looking for him years ago." Said a spokesman for a local search team. "In the past we'd scour the earth, buy every time we'd find him he'd take off again. Finally, we put his picture on a mild carton and said the hell with it." Other reactions were mixed." It was a case of sibling rivalry," said Carmen Sandiego a half-sister. "Waldo tried to outdo me by hiding in shopping malls and outdoor rock concerts. These had no educational value, so it's no wonder people stopped caring." "The little deadbeat owed us for 20,000 tasseled caps, said a spokesman for the Acme Headgear Co. "Now we're filing for bankruptcy, thanks to him." A memorial service for Waldo will be held at 11 a.m. tomorrow at an unspecified location. Those wishing to attend will have to find it for themselves.


AND speaking of things dead......Is it hair or a helmet?

"John Travolta misfires with very bizarre locks at Hollywood bash" reads the headline (no pun intended) for this snap of the man himself.

You would think that with all of the money this guy has he would at least spend it on a good looking RUG! Or, at the least, someone would say to him, in all confidence,

"Ya know John, maybe that isn't such a good look for you."

Seriously - how can he look at himself in the mirror and go - Yup - I am so hot!! He really should check himself into Egos Anonymous. 

Things I've learned this week:

When you think you have killed all the wasps in the nest it is best to check back in a day or two....and do it all again. Dear husband got swarmed but came away with only a few stings.

****

Some tradespeople have NO personality and a LOT of attitude. Hey, I'm paying the bills here, not you!

***

Family gatherings are stressful, memorials for family members are stressful, grocery shopping for said family is stressful, arrangements for trips to the lake for said family is stressful, home renovations on TWO houses is extremely stressful, having all your appliance revolt at the same time is stressful including the hot tub which (due to the heat) decided to turn green....and if you go to the pharmacy and ask the nice little East Indian lady behind the counter what she has for stress she will JUST LOOK AT YOU. NOT helping little East Indian lady!!!

***

I can still find time to laugh. I actually laughed out loud when I read the article about Michael C. Luckman who is the director of the New York Centre for Extraterrestrial Research. He wants to hold a "rock" concert to coax the "aliens living in a huge underwater base located six miles off of Malibu's Point" to come out and show themselves. He wants Paul, Ringo, Yoko and their families to attend along with many other notables.

Following that Mr. Luckman is planning an underwater mission to search for seafaring aliens and he wants the following people to join him. As I read the list I just laughed more. Imagine if you will this 'crew.'

Shirley Maclaine
Russell Crowe - because he apparently took a picture of a UFO once
Dan Aykroyd (well, he was in Ghostbusters!)
Steven Spielberg - because he made E.T. so must know something...
and finally - because he has gone where no man has gone before -

William Shatner

Good luck Mr.Luckman!!!

A RAT BY ANY OTHER NAME......

I was lucky enough to have my niece, her husband and my great niece visiting for a day or two this week. Seeing as there was a very expensive expansion to our local zoo we decided that would be a good day trip for the family.

Walking around the zoo my daughter pointed out how many ground squirrels there were running about the place. I mean - Richardson's ground squirrels....as in ....You can find these guys anywhere on the prairies, so why have them at the zoo?

Well, in Australia they have Kangaroos running amuck and they are like large Richardson's ground squirrels...i.e. rodents. So, I suppose, if a family from another country - say somewhere around the Arctic Circle visited the zoo they might be interested in seeing these guys. But really, it's like having a family of mice for people to look at. Yes - they are THAT common!

I distinctly remember, and so will other Canadians of my age, the National Film Board broadcasting a short clip on the Richardson's Ground Squirrel.

In a shakey tape kind of voice the narrator said: And I Quote....

"The Richardson's Ground Squirrel........there are literally thousands of them." No kidding Sherlock.

Here is a picture I took of one friendly little guy:


I didn't get too close....because he COULD have been this guy:

He came running up to me, got on his hind legs and basically asked for a treat. He had a very strange pattern on his back and after perusing it a while I realized it was a number. His number is 256. So, not only are the zoo peeps letting them run about willy nilly, they have numbers and perhaps names. This guy could be Robert the Richardson's Ground Squirrel...or Bob....cuz that's kind of what he was doing when he was 'asking' for a treat.

I suppose they have a reason for numbering them. After all the park is in the middle of the city and these are burrowing animals. I can hear the conversation now.

"Well, Ted I need you to take a drive over to 425 Oak Street. Looks like number 152 is reeking havoc with a front lawn. Yes - a Code 56 - gopher off the premises."

Meanwhile my niece, who has a small ranch kind of property, was saying, "They are rodents. They can have rabies. We shoot them back home....What are these people thinking?"  While shooing them away and having people look at her like SHE WAS A BAD PERSON. BUT she is from Alberta and.....

The Gopher Hole Museum in Torrington, Alberta, Canada, has a large selection of stuffed ground squirrels of many varieties and colors.

AND since I am somewhat of an animal lover, I really don't want any one to kill these guys off in an inhumane way. Farmers and ranchers have developed a variety of ways to exterminate gophers besides trapping, shooting and poisoning. One such process fills the burrows with a mixture of oxygen and propane and then ignites the gas mixture. This kills the gophers with a concussive force that also collapses the tunnel systems. But is it INSTANT??? We don't want a bunch of concussed rodents staggering around the prairie landscape.

Basically, I don't think there is a NICE way to control these guys.

The Saskatchewan Wildlife Federation sponsored a 12-week "gopher derby" in 2002, in an effort to reduce what it considered an overpopulation of the squirrels. Cash prizes were awarded for the most number of animals killed, with the animals' tails being presented as proof of the kill. The Canadian Humane Society called the contest cruel and barbaric. Despite the criticism, the derby was repeated in 2003. By 2004, the gopher population had dropped and the contest was canceled. Until the next time.......

But there is good news on the horizon for our furry friends....The Richardson's ground squirrel in recent years has become popular in the exotic pet trade. And, why not?

And then there is this lady:

Dr. Gail Michener, pictured with a Richardson's ground squirrel that was born and raised in captivity. The majority of Gail Michener's research is conducted in the field with free-living ground squirrels. Really,  Gail - you went to school for that??

So, back to the number system. What happens when, let's say, they get to number 300? Sorry 301 ...could you step over here for a moment......eeeekkkkk - whack!

Female Richardson's ground squirrels produce one litter per year. The young, up to 8 in a litter, are born in April or May....so by the next year you could possibly have....hmmmm...well...let's see.....a whole lot more!

And I have to ask....have they seen number ONE lately? Do they have a rodent round up every year and tick them off one by one? Do they reassign the numbers of....the deceased...like, say number one? And HOW do they get those numbers on their little backs????? Hair dye? Permanent marker?? Branding???

Wow - I had no idea running a zoo could be so complicated.



Things I learned this week:

Some Collie parents have a great sense of humor:

***

It was a slow week - I didn't learn much...