AH....THE GATHERING MASSES

Last weekend was Easter weekend. I am always confused by exactly which days 'we' are supposed to...well....celebrate. But, if you are not the religious type it is just another day to either eat chocolate bunnies or be inconvenienced by stores being closed or not have my mail delivered or be able to speak to a civil servant.

My girlfriend mentioned that she thought the stores should all be closed...along with many other things....except churches of course (hey, aren't those churchpeople working?? Busy giving sermons and such!). But I digress - After hearing her say this I said:

"Well, that is because you are old school religious, but if you aren't, it doesn't really bother you." as in ME.

I don't really want 'the church' to dictate to me who should be open and who should not...I have enough of that with the Government and Unions!!! ...and really....to a lot of people Easter means more of treats and Christmas means presents. Is that necessarily .....wrong? We ARE a consumer society after all.

One church, here in my city, has decided the way to get more worshippers through the door, and more money dropped into the passing baskets, is to have an Easter play. This year they have chosen: Rock Star Wars: A New Hope. Previously they have done Star Trek,Tombstone and The Princess Bride.

Reverend Hughes, who is behind this brain storm, states "We do this because we know Easter is a time when we get people to church. We've found if we use a little twist we can get a big crowd here." 


Reverend Hughes is used to disapproval for his theme weekends but is quick to point out "people who don't like it can always find another place to worship." Well isn't that Christian!!

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Some strangish things that people do for easter are:

Make a butter lamb like the Polish and Russians

Traditionally, Polish Catholics gave up eggs and dairy for Lent; the eggs were decorated and given to priests, family and friends, and butter was sculpted into lambs for the Easter feast. Why?

AND.....No one says you have to be GOOD at sculpting!! What the HELL is that??

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People of Norway choose to celebrate the holiday by solving crimes in special ‘Easter thrillers’ (or Påskekrimmen). The TV stations get involved and they even print special milk cartons to make it seem more realistic. Does this EVEN MAKE SENSE??

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many people....and animals...gather Easter eggs...

Okay....I just threw this guy in because I think Meerkats are cute.

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Slovak youths dressed in traditional costumes whip a girl using sticks made from willow trees as part of traditional Easter celebrations, shown here, in the village of Trencianska Tepla, north of Bratislava. Girls are doused with water and whipped in a custom believed to ensure a woman's fertility and beauty. Doesn't this look like the BEST FUN??? A preamble to the wet T-shirt contest I am thinking....without the whipping, which would be leaning more to Easter S & M.

Things I've learned this week:

I have been pretty busy this week....and really haven't learned much. Except that when you treat your clients as though they are your ONLY clients they will show up late in tax season and expect you to be sitting there waiting to do their taxes........because it seems - they are your only client! This happens every friggin' year! 

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Smoking will still kill you:

The Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla, was “utterly devastated”  by the death of her brother after he smashed his head on a pavement in New York.

Mark Shand, a legendary adventurer, slipped as he tried to light a cigarette after leaving a nightclub in the early hours.


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There is always something new in the world. Cute snaps of cats wrapped up in blankets to look like burritos have gone viral on photo-sharing website Instagram.

MONEY COMING IN....MONEY GOING OUT

There are ghosts in my machines. First of all my microwave/convection oven started to hum...not tunes...just a sort of rumbling hum. If I put my hand on the side of it, it seemed to stop, only to start again when I removed my palm. Now it is turning ALL BY ITSELF...and ticking!  - Yup - you open the door and away it goes. If you stop it by hand it will resume turning...only in the opposite direction. When I showed this to my husband he said

"OOOOOHHHHHH!"

Okay - list of things to do - look for new oven.

I was watching telly the other night and I went upstairs for something only to find my dishwasher had been on rinse cycle for...oh...two hours. Sloshing away - rinse - rinse - Alright - they are clean by now. My dear husband said

"probably a dirty switch."

Okay - list of things to do - look for repairman and/or new dishwasher.

A few days ago I had to go into town and do my usual grocery shopping, mail pick up etc. but when I hit the garage door opener the door only opened about a foot then stopped. I went into the garage by the other side door, and pressed the inside DOWN button. The door went down again. When I pressed it UP again I heard....a clicking sound...over and over and over and over. OKAY time to press DOWN again.

I came in the house and advised husband who said

"Well, if you are getting a repair man for the door you may as well get new weather stripping installed at the same time."

List of things to do....soon....call garage door people.

Today I am sitting at the table and I hear "Oh.......f**k!!!!."

"What happened?" I asked dear husband.

"I broke the stove."

Apparently in his rush to make tea he swung the teapot by the stove and hit one of the knobs for one of the elements....and sheared off the entire pin. I suggested gluing it back with Gorilla Glue but only got 'a look.'

Now this is a Jenn Air, state-of--the art, cooktop -  right - THIRTY YEARS AGO!

 This can't go on my list of things to do...it has to be done now.

I called a few places and finally found Marilyn. She gave me a number to call to find out if you can even get parts. Why I have to do this I don't know. Turns out you can still get parts and they have them, so I called Marilyn back.

Marilyn sounds like she smokes about forty cigs a day and was ordering parts for the Ark. I gave her all the info, model number, part number and she says.

"They have to be ordered in, we don't have them in stock." Really! Where the hell did I have to call with that 1-800 number...India? Okay Marilyn - you go girl.

I advise husband that he doesn't have to purchase an entire new cooktop - even though secretly I was hoping that might have to happen - just sayin'.  He says

"Maybe you should order four."

"Four?"

"Yes, four knobs so if another one gets broken we can have a replacement."

WHAT????? It's been thirty years and this is the first time anyone has swung a teapot in that general direction.

"That's going to be expensive and what if another one never gets broken and in the meantime we have to buy a new stove and then have a pile of old replacement parts? We may as well buy a new cooktop now." I explained with my usual logic.

"Okay, listen, you buy four parts now and have them ALL replaced. JUST IN CASE they are all wearing out from years of being used."

Well, there does seem to be a trend around here....so....rather than argue I call my new good friend Marilyn and explain.

"Really?" she says when I explain what my husband suggested.

"Yes, Marilyn. I am getting them all done."

"Okay," says the husky voiced lady, "I'll order them on Monday."

MONDAY? It's early Friday....Monday?  But, my cooktop IS thirty years old, and I am lucky to even get A part...let alone four, so I let this one slide. I wouldn't want Marilyn to accidentally lose my order, but perhaps she is thinking I will change my mind again and just order an entire new cooktop........





Things I have learned this week:

No matter how well fed my dog is, if he finds a nice dead bird, from who knows when, on one of our walks......he will eat it!

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According to data from the Social Security Administration, in 2012, there were 146 female babies born named Khaleesi — the title given to Emilia Clarke's character in "Game of Thrones" after she marries a Dothraki leader in season 1.

Really people...these are names from a FICTIONAL show and book! Can you just see your little one trying desperately hard to print that name in Kindergarten????

AND for the rest of their lives...Khaleesi? ...is that with a K or a C? And a silent H and two EE's, oh and ends with an I not a Y! Give me a break!

I SMELL SOMETHING ......FUNNY.....

I bought some air freshener the other day and was merrily spraying it around the office when my husband walked in.

"Does this smell like linen and sky?" I asked

"Linen and sky?"

"Yes, that is what it is called," as I pointed to the container and read, "Linen and Sky."

He gave a sniff...."I don't know what either of those are supposed to smell like," he replied.

How DO they come up with these names? And if you open your window at 30,000 feet what does the the sky smell like?

And linen?...well, I think something newly ironed because, lets face it a linen napkin, say, could smell like kippers. (I say kippers because, really, who on this side of the pond would even have linen napkins which you have to iron!) Especially in the U.S. of A where you are lucky if you get a torn off piece of paper toweling with your meal. Personally I don't think linen has a scent....other than that of a hot iron....but it must represent a smell of some sort for the powers that name things.

Personally, I think they are just going on 'imaging' ....as in...you think it...you smell it...??

For instance....Roses? Well, some roses don't smell much, and some are lovely and 'rosey' and some are overpowering, especially when it is an artificial odor, as in man-made, scent. Like Vanilla - really, some of those scented Vanilla candles are enough to make you retch. Shouldn't vanilla smell just like vanilla??? There shouldn't be any discussion about this.

Fresh Sea Air....well, not when the tide is out.
Deep Woods - do you KNOW what bears do out there??

But Linen and Sky actually smells.......nice.....but how would I describe it? I can't...it just smells clean....see...here we go again!! How do you describe smells?

Dog poo....smells.....bad. Could you elaborate?

Air fresheners (or maskers) have these lovely names, but some perfumes and colognes go a little further than that.

Demeters fragrances include one called Funeral Home - "lilies, carnations, glads with a hint of mahogany and oriental carpet." They also have one called Lobster!

Burger King launched a fragrance called Flame - which is meat scented and not recommended for vegetarians....or if you own cats or dogs....".I don't know why this dog followed me home...."

Silton Cheeses jumped into the market with one that ....well...smells like Stilton cheese - it - and I quote..."recreates the earthy and fruity aroma of cheese"
....or old socks!

And last - Cannabis Perfume: "Exotic citruses with warm notes of chocolate and vanilla" and could get you arrested I'm thinking.



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This week there was an article in our local paper about people grieving when their pets pass away.  There are actually counselors to help you get through this if you are having a tough time. Some people might think this is a bit much, but really, I have had people say they cried more when their pet died than when their parent died. I kid you not. Dogs are not called 'man's best friend' for no good reason.

My problem is not in the grieving - it is in the letting go. Here is a picture of my fireplace mantle:

See! These are all cremated ashes!

When I am part of this 'vinette' what is my daughter going to do with all of us? Dig a large hole and throw us in to be discovered centuries from now by some paving company who is preparing a new road - oh, wait - there may NOT be roads by then. Well - I am sure somewhere down the line, someone will discover us and we will be known as the Baldwin Dig!

FYI - That's my Mom on the left - she loved animals and I am sure she doesn't mind sharing the space with all the little furries who have passed on.





Things I have learned this week:

Paddington Bear author, Michael Bond, has written another book. This one details letters from Paddington to his Aunt Lucy in 'darkest Peru.' I'm excited.

Mr. Bond, 88 years young, states about his latest work "It isn't generally known, but bears are very good at writing letters." You just keep going Mr. Bond, we need more people like you in the world.

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One of our clients won a gold medal at the Paralympics this year in Souchi. He is one of the nicest people you will ever meet and he told us "Never in a million years did I think I would be owning a gold medal." Yeah Dennis, yeah Manitoba and yeah Canada - never give up....never surrender.

RANDOM THOUGHTS....

My darling husband reads every newspaper he can get his hands on...or at least his Reader tapped to. The other day over coffee he says:

"Ha! listen to this! A woman in British Columbia received a call from a supposed RCMP officer stating that she owed back taxes to Revenue Canada. The caller instructed her to got to Home Depot and get three $50.00 gift cards, scratch off the numbers on the back and read them to him....if she wanted to avoid this money owing."

Yes - of course it is a SCAM!!! Everybody knows Government agencies don't talk to one another!

She stated in the article,  "I am an educated person and I can't believe I fell for this."

Seriously? You may be an educated person but you are listed under 'stupid' in the book of life.

Personally if I was running this scam I would whisper into the phone,

"Go to Tim Hortons and get three $25.00 gift cards, scratch the numbers off the back and read them to me. Then pick up six Kruller to go and have them double bagged then place them in City Park under the third bench on the left of the main entrance. Along with that you may as well get a large double double.....but don't roll up the rim! I want to do that!."

All the Canadians reading this will understand.....

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We had a client in this week and while our partner was tapping away on his calculator I had a chat with the guy.

"I was in the hospital this week." he says to me.

"Oh, nothing serious I hope." Somewhat ...........concerned...he is a paying client!

" A mini stroke."

"Really? Are you on medication now?" worried expression on my face.

"Oh yeah. Lots! AND I can have another one any time in the next thirty days."

Hand on speed dial........911   911   911   911   911   911


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I recently saw a very funny email. It was totally inappropriate for this day and age, but I confess, I still had a good laugh and it got me thinking of 'back in the day.' You know when we blurted out things without thinking....and probably offended a whole lot of people.

Today we are so afraid of  not being "politically correct" we barely mutter what we are really thinking. Is that a good thing? I don't really know. I suppose it depends on which end of the comment you are on.....

I grew up in a small town with 35,0000 other prairie people. On the outskirts lay one of the largest employers - known at the time as The Saskatchewan Training School. What they were training the residents to do, I have no idea. It was then known as a school for 'retarded' persons....of course now they are known as 'special needs.' Which sounds SO MUCH better....we have grown as a society. But back then.......

Anyway, at one time, I believe, there were about 3,500 of the 'kids' at the school and just about everyone I knew had worked there at one time or another. Some the the kids couldn't be trained to tie their shoes, but some had potential and I often wondered why the community just didn't put them in homes and close down the school. Easy to say now, but back then, people were not that accepting and there just weren't enough kind hearted people about who wanted that responsibility.

My Mom used to drag home these kids for a 'get away' to our house. As my upbringing was, at the best, 'dysfunctional', having a special needs person thrown into the mix seemed perfectly normal. Didn't everyone take a special needs kid home for the weekend??

My Mom's favorite was a young man named Willy. I don't actually know what was his ailment, but he had spasms, a strange walk, was slightly smarter than a gerbil and he drooled. I remember my Mom always folding him in to the car and when he was seated in the passenger side he would miraculously spring back into shape. If you didn't take this precaution he would ....................free fall back into the passenger seat and crack his head on the roof...every...single....time!

In our town, on Saturdays, you could count on being downtown and having the Training School bus disgorge dozens of special needs kids onto the unsuspecting public -. that is if you were a visitor to the town - otherwise it was just another weekend for the local folks.

We had the guys who conducted music on the stage at the afternoon matinee, or always led any parade and several others who were all known by name wandering about the high street. No one blinked an eye.

And THAT is where you could get into trouble. I was about 12 or 13 and standing at the bus stop, along with several others, and I made eye contact with one of the kids from the school. I don't remember if he was with someone or not, but he walked right up to me....of course!

Damn, look away, quickly, oh no....here he comes...he is going to talk to ME!!! When you are just into your teen years the last thing you want is to be singled out.

So this guy walks right up to me...as in facing me, a foot away. He had obviously just come from The Natatorium (our large, enclosed swimming pool) and was swinging his wet bathing suit and towel in a plastic bag........

Back and forth, back and forth.

I brought my eyes up to his and he yells right at me:

"Do you play piano?????.....I do!" and with that he swung his plastic bag up and whacked me right on the head. I saw stars!

To this day I can still recall the THWACKING sound! - Scarred for life.

I'm sure the word "special" wasn't the one that came to my mind.......

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Things I've learned this week


This would be the last thing a mouse would see if Hope came along....

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I should be so lucky!  Rina Cooke, 32, from British Columbia, was left devastated when her best friend, boxer dog Romeo, age nine, was diagnosed with inoperable bone cancer by vets. She has posted some touching photographs of  her and her dog carrying out his 'bucket list' before he sadly had to be put to sleep.

These included: a steak dinner, sushi, a blind date with another boxer, a ride in a police car and a fire engine, a massage and spa day.