And another year goes by....in a flash!

I love Americans. Honestly, they are a constant source of amusement. You wouldn't think that an imaginary line in the sand...as in a Border...would make any difference, but it does. They think so differently than we Canucks.

With Christmas just passed we had been speaking about Boxing Day and getting strange looks. Now, I know that some Canadians don't even know the background material on Boxing Day, but the Americans haven't even heard of it!!!

So I asked, "What are you up to on Boxing Day?"

"Boxing Day?"

"Yes, Boxing Day. The day after Christmas."

"Why do you call it that?"

I explained what is behind Boxing Day ( if you really don't know....go to The Googler - NOW!) and they said,

"Oh, I thought you meant boxing, like fighting."

"No, not that. What do you Americans call the day after Christmas?"

"Ummm....The day after Christmas."   SEE! How amusing is that!!!!


*****

So, I'm sitting in my chair by the nice cozy fireplace and my Dear Husband says,

"Let's go to a vortex tomorrow and then after that get our Chakra's aligned."

I gave him THE LOOK...the one where I peer over the top of my glasses with a stony stare.

"I sincerely hope you are not serious." I said.

Perhaps we should stop making trips to Sedona...the get your aura painted, chakra aligned, psychic reading, women in long skirts and long grey hair and men with bald heads but tiny ponytails capital of the world.

Again....if you don't know what a Chakra alignment is please consult your nearest InterWeb. I believe it has something to do with having your shoes rotated........

***

Speaking of Sedona, there is a publication entitled The Sedona Excentric. Sedona's most entertaining paper - ever. It actually states that on the front page! It consists of articles written by people who, I am guessing here, consider themselves 'excentric'.

It is mostly about things that happen to them, their opinions on things and things in general. Gee, sort of like my Blog!!!

The entire front page of the latest issue had the headline 'Santa Claus Lays Off Elves.' Not....lays off elves likes lays off the booze after a Christmas binge, but lays them off as in unemployed. Really, the entire front page??? It was written by Blodwyn Smythe, which, I am once again assuming, is a pseudonym to protect them from crazy Sedona cat ladies writing in or bombing their houses. It was accompanied by a picture of a crying elf with the caption ' saddened elf after receiving his termination notice.'

The entire article was blaming a downturn in the economy, along with Corporate greed, for this series of unfortunate events leading up to Christmas. Apparently Mr. and Mrs. Claus thought they were protected by using Legal Zoom and set up a franchise only to discover there " had been a coup and an insider raid of Santa, LLC. " This left their stock at less than the needed fifty percent to influence corporate policy.  After crunching the numbers the new board downsized the number of gifts to be given out and therefore the laying off of elves.

Geez, ya just never know!


Things I have learned this week:

Santa just could be a functioning alcoholic. Really. How many drinks does he consume on Christmas eve while delivering gifts and he can still get into his sleigh. Mind you he does have a team of reindeer to take him home. The true meaning of designated drivers.

**

There is a melted snowman for sale on Ebay. Basically a clear bowl of water with a carrot lying in it.

**
A new calendar you may want to skip for the new year has the worlds 'Bendiest' woman on it.
Think I'll stick with my Collie calendar.

***

It IS much better to give than to receive.  Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and see you in the New Year...2015!!! YIKES!!!!

Ho Ho Hold on a minute.....

With Christmas just around the corner....?....I have already mailed out our cards and can sit back and wait for those arriving in my own mailbox.

Back in the day, before computers could do all the magic things that they do, I used to actually cut and paste our cards......not like scrapbooking. Oh No!! I would do collages and strange things that I thought where "creative." I would merrily gather a years worth of pictures, have them printed, then cut them up and arrange them, ever so artfully, onto a sheet and THEN have THAT printed....a lot of energy, trips to the mall and money. Not to mention a fortune in gluesticks!!

One year I made it appear that we where part of the Nativity scene.  Okay, in hindsight, perhaps that wasn't such a great idea.

But I have to admit that I don't ever remember sending something out one that would actually show up under "images of bad Christmas cards" on the InterWeb....like the few here. REALLY...what where they thinking???

Not only is the sweater incredibly bad, but what is with the pose? He sort of looks like Vin Diesel though....before he totally shaved his head, bulked up and got into movies...." A STAR, one day I will be a STAR!!!"

This must be his brother.....ta da! Or.I've fallen and I can't get up

Again - what's with the sweaters? AND are all those pets DEAD? I think he may just be wearing one on his head....

***

Gawker Media ran a competition in which 16 cities were pitted against each other, with the audience asked to vote on which city's accent they thought was the ugliest. I kid you not.

the company told the BBC its competition was meant to celebrate the regions.  Ugliest is celebrating??

Unfortunately for Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania it won.  I guess they can take heart, because their neighbour, Scranton, Pennsylvania won the "unhappiest region in the U.S.."

My question - why are people too happy to bash poor old Pennsylvania?

***


Our niece was in Las Vegas at a rodeo show - barrel racing is her sport...anyway....she posted this on her Facebook page:


Yesterday I bought a purse with a concealed weapon pocket in the back.... As the lady was explaining it to me, I told her "oh, we don't carry weapons in Canada" and in her southern accent she replied "oh, you poor dear".......Only in 'Mercia !

I had to laugh and then I wrote back: the right to bear arms....

The right to BEAR arms....as in Grizzly, Panda? Did I spell that correctly...or is it the "right to bare arms." Well, not in a Muslim country or perhaps the Vatican.

Funny how sometimes you right a word and it just doesn't LOOK .....write!

But I kept thinking to myself.... "I wonder how many Americans actually think it means the right to bare arms...as in to go sleeveless." You may laugh, but I'll bet you could find some....probably in Pennsylvania.




Things I have learned this week:

Sometimes my dear husband and I are not in sync. Example. I bought some dairy free (long story) coconut milk eggnog thinking it would be...less fat, healthier etc. for us to have over the festive Christmas holiday. Not that I am not going to be chowing down on everything in the chocolate department, or shortbread, or trifle.....

I took a tentative sip of the eggnog and then gave some to my dear husband, who said - yup that taste's okay.

AND THEN he said: "Do you know what would go really well with this eggnog?

and I said: RUM!!!!!!

and he said, "No........ FRUITCAKE."

Really?

***

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Collectibles is a Website dedicated to all things Christmas Vacation (obviously). Among the many fun items are Cousin Eddie wardrobe staples, moose mugs, and punch bowls. It's not too late to order them online....

***

I loathe TD Bank online banking even more than I thought. The ironic thing is that it is called EasyWeb!

All I want is to be able to print, from my computer, my VISA statement. Simple right? I used to be able to do that with my old bank (which I am missing more and more every day....).

So, I go into EasyWeb and try to print my statement - which is ON THE SCREEN. But it won't print so I copy and paste it and it turns out all gobbledee - but I CAN read it if I have to.

I call Tech support and get - well, let's just say English isn't the guys first language - always good for customer support. He asks me some questions and tells me to click here and there - nothing! I get locked out....great. Log back in and try again and then he says "You aren't set up to get that. I will have to transfer you over to our VISA expert for help." On comes Elizabeth who advises me that, no we aren't signed up for that....(even though I remember telling the person who set it up that this is what I wanted!!)

"But Elizabeth I can SEE it on the screen. I just want to print it. I won't be around when the bill is mailed to me at my house."

"The Primary holder has to set it up so you can print it from the screen." REALLY - well that ain't gonna happen. Dear husband has even less patience than I do for this sort of......stupid, stupid, stupid thing.

Then she goes on to tell me that this is all for our security etc etc. Well....I figure if a person gets this far on my online banking the only other thing they can possibly do is        PAY MY F***ING VISA!

Needless to say - I copied and pasted and will sort it all out when I get my actual paper printed, in the mail VISA statement. I just want to give them some money on time...is it really that hard????

***

Even though Freddy Mercury has been gone for quite a while, dear husband and I watched Queen, Live Aid - Wembley 13 July 1985 on Youtube. Still a great showman, still a great talent, gone too soon. R.I.P. Freddy Mercury. If you have a few minutes to watch this it is worth the time. My gift to you.....


****

With all of the media/online/tweets/twitter/Facebook these days it is very, very easy for people to 'say' things that they really should think about before their fingers do the typing (or keboarding)  so my new tagline for 2015

Say it, forget it. Write it, regret it.


Have a great Christmas and we'll see you on the other side.....

ORATIONS......JUST STOP, OKAY!!!

There is a saying 'too much information' and it seems to be applying itself to email, texts, twitter et al. I don't Twitter (well occasionally I am sure that I do...but not THAT kind). I just don't understand why people think they are SO important that they have to tell absolutely everything that is crossing their wee minds. Do I need to know that someone is enjoying a Starbucks???

We have a friend who considers himself a, let's say, philosopher. Personally, I don't agree with the majority of the stuff that spews out of his mouth, but he seems harmless enough. He is a 'socialist' and union rep so, at times, he thinks himself quite important.....as our eyes slowly glaze over.

His last email was to give us a link to something of interest.......but before the link part of the email he wrote about three major paragraphs on what he thought about said link......then he ended the email with: " I don't know why I got off on this tangent but here is the link."

Well, dear man....it is because you LIKE the sound of  your own voice....even if it is the voice in your head.

AND speaking of too much information. I was sitting having my morning coffee when I hear one hell of a crash! I immediately thought the cat had jumped onto something and knocked it over and went running downstairs. I even heard my husband say "Oh crap!"  Nope, nothing downstairs so trundled up the stairs again and my husband called out "You had better come see this."

I walked into our bathroom and discovered the shower wall had - exploded! Glass bits all over the floor, into the hall way from under the door - just tiny bits of blue sparkles everywhere.......

the too much information part: my hear husband was on the toilet when it happened!!!

No people or animals where hurt during this event.

****

On a recent Malaysian Airlines flight, which just happened to include the Mayor of London, England, Boris Johnson, a drunk was handcuffed, tied up and strapped to a seat.

He was being very abusive - racially - and demanding more drinks. Like he needed THOSE??? And yelling things out non stop.......

The Mayor tied to calm him down, as did several of the crew, but to no avail. The part of the story that I found amusing was when they stated:

"the man calmed down and started to sober up. However he was still belligerent and at one point rolled down the aisle with his hands in cuffs."

WHAT? He ROLLED down the aisle? These days you can barely WALK down the aisle, let alone roll. Was he like really, really small? Was he from the circus? Did he roll heels over head?     HHHHMMMM....further news at 11.


Things I have learned this week:

Back in the day I used to draw pictures, in pencil, of people like...oh Paul McCartney - hey, I WAS THIRTEEN!! I would tack them onto my wall and when that got old I would take them down and replace them with another drawing. Never in my dreams did I think of actually sending the person a drawing.....well....

there is a website entitled sadanduseless.com and it has pictures of really horrible fan art....as in..."he's my hero, I just love him, let me show him by drawing a picture...and mailing it to him and hoping he will love it and send me something back" (hopefully not a restraining order).

not ONE is a good picture....I mean, they hardly even look like the person they are supposed to represent.

Example one:

Guesses???? Anyone???

 this is supposed to be Justin Beiber and Justin Timberlake....why he is in a dress and stockings????  I have no idea.

And this one is kind of close to the person on the right....or at least...I think it portrays a personality trait more than anything:

It is SUPPOSED to be Mel Gibson....I have no idea who the other person is.....but they seem to have hair everywhere but their head

Some times things are just weird:

The sight of this bright green cat on the streets of Varna in Bulgaria has caused a certain amount of uproar in the Black Sea resort town. Because of the assumption that the cat was painted in green by a vandal a facebook group named 'Punishment to the the perpetrator of this criminal act!' appeared online. But in fact the emerald green cat is this hue reportedly because it usually sleeps on an abandoned heap of synthetic green paint in a garage. True or not???? I can't believe the cat is totally covered in paint....as in evenly painted...all over....OR not dead from toxins. Me thinks there is something a foot and it is not of four feet but two.

WHAT MAKES SOMEONE.....GREAT?

People who know me REALLY well know that I love to pour over obituary notices. You can tell a lot about the people, and the people who wrote about them and their relationships. Okay - love - is probably not an appropriate word here, but I do it more out of curiosity than anything. I am also an advocate for writing your own Obituary....even though I haven't done mine because.....I feel I still have lots of time left. Well, ya never know, so perhaps I should get on that.

Recently a man named John (who they called Jack - I must try and find out why the British do this name change thing...) ANYWAY, a man named John/Jack passed away and what caught my eye was not the pictures of him as a young man, along side a picture of him, obviously in a hospital bed, older and SMILING, but the length of the obituary itself.

I KNOW what it costs to put in an obituary, and it ain't cheap!

I began to read "with heavy hearts and deepest sorrow..." and I looked at the picture of older John/Jack and I got the sense that, yes, it was indeed with heavy hearts and deepest sorrow that they made this announcement. He radiated....I don't know exactly, but almost a calm reassurance and a good, kind heart....just through the expression on his face.

I read on about how John/Jack made a career in banking and later opened a cleaning franchise. He was well rounded and diverse. He was a motorcycle road racing champ, a chess player, a golfer, a member of a rifle team and, in later life, obtained the highest class average in computer programming at a local college.

He loved 'all things English' ( as do I). Including Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood, limericks and British pub songs, just to name a few from the Obit.

He was an inventive and imaginative father; creating treasure hunts with invisible ink and encrypted coded clues. Along with that he and his two daughters loved drama and created audio tapes - "An Appointment with Fear." What fun!!!

Among the other numerous attributes listed John/Jack was a self taught harmonica player and painter.

AND of course - he loved animals!

As I said, the Obit was long....and glowing, about his advice on life issues, his forgiving and gracious nature and his wonderful rendition of the "Darktown Poker Club" One of my dear husbands favs!!!

John/Jack seemed to be a wonderful, and rare man. But the line that got me the most was:

"his ability to show emotions whenever he spoke of his family, beliefs or convictions and his unwavering integrity and commitment to putting others and their needs before himself."

I think the world could learn a lot from John/Jack and how he lived.

*****

Speaking of...well...death. The funeral song that seems to be pulling into the lead is not Amazing Grace, My Way or a religious hymn, but Always Look on the Bright Side of Life. Yes, the song from The Life of Brian by Monty Python....a toe tapper if there ever was one.

One that has been requested but refused: Queens  Who Wants to Live Forever.


******

I read, with great dismay, that there is a movement afoot to have the Swiss stop eating cats and dogs. Yes - you read that right!


A petition with 16,000 signatures has been handed to the Swiss parliament, calling for the government to stop people eating "domestic animals" as, apparently, three percent of the Swiss "secretly" eat cat or dog.

And even more disturbing.....cat appears on traditional Christmas menus in some areas of Switzerland. It is often cooked for the festive season in a similar way to rabbit - with white wine and garlic.

According to that go to place - Wikipedia: 'The cuisine of Switzerland is multifaceted. While some dishes such as fondue, raclette or rösti are omnipresent through the country, each region developed its own gastronomy according to the differences of climate and languages. Traditional Swiss cuisine uses ingredients similar to those in other European countries, as well as unique dairy products and cheeses such as Gruyère or Emmental, produced in the valleys of Gruyères and Emmental. '

No mention of Pussy in a Pot, Cat ala Carte, or Dog Tartar.


A large number of international institutions have their seats in Switzerland, in part because of its policy of neutrality. Geneva is the birthplace of the Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement and the Geneva Conventions and, since 2006, hosts the United Nations Human Rights Council.It also hosts the UN Agency the World Health Organization. No mention of an animal humane society.......

Note to self: don't visit Switzerland, especially at Christmas. . ......

You'd better not meow, you better just hide, Santa Claus is coming to town.....

****


Speaking of animals. I have been perusing the Interweb because I have a sneaky suspicion that our housesitter is going to propose to his girlfriend and that will put an end to him watching my house - as in LIVING here.

I saw a question from someone asking how much they should charge to take care of a cat, not live in, just water, feed etc. and I read this response.

"About $50.00 a week. But I pay my cat sitter $20/day to come to my house, check on the food, change the water, poop-scoop and inject my cat with insulin. All things considered, she is in and out in under 15 minutes a day, not including travel time. However, my cat tries to kill her."

Is that danger pay???



Things I have learned this week:

A friend of mine gave me some jam and told me it was Marionberry. I had never heard of such a berry so I went to The Google. It is a berry quite like a blackberry and is found in Marion County in Oregon....it is NOT a former mayor of a large U.S. city - Marion Barry - who recently died and was up on charges of drugs and crack smoking. The jam was great!!!

****

I talk to my animals WAY too much. I discovered this when the furnace repair guy was here and kept thinking I was talking TO HIM. So I kind of toned down the rhetoric a bit...

"For God's sake Hope!!! It's the dog!!!!!.....he has lived here for over five years!"

"Do you want to go out for a pee pee? Come on then, out you go...."

"Hope - SHUT UP!" What do you want??? I have fed you, your litter box is clean, you have milk....what? what????"

"Dan, no matter how much you stare I am not giving you my lunch. EEEWWW stop drooling on the floor!"

And some people wonder what I do all day.......

****

This morning at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her ''Voldemort." When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...He Who Must Not Be Named."

You had to be there.......

YOU SIR ARE AN ASS

We haven't watched Sons of Anarchy season six yet....because...well..our Canadian Netflix doesn't carry SOA anymore. We will however, be able to catch up when we watch it down in the U.S. of A in December on our next trip.

So there are no spoilers here!!!

However the scuttleBUTT (har har) is that some people are not happy about seeing main character, Charlie Hunnam's beautiful ass on their pristine television screens during the final season seven which is now playing.

As Entertainment Weekly points out, a group of uptight anti-ass folks known as the Parents Television Council doesn't want you to see the very, very lovely naked ass of Hunnam. What set them off? Apparently, this week's episode, which featured a whole lot of fake television sex and even more Hunnam ass. We HAVE seen it before....season one, season two, season three, season four, season five...

I don't hear the Parents Television Council crying out about Jonathan Rhys Meyers humping his way through the history of sixteenth century England on The Tudors....... "oh, but that is HISTORY and EDUCATIONAL" - No, it's not, there is a LOT more to history than Henry doing what comes naturally, even if he is doing it in period costume.

And, really folks - your children should not be watching SOA! Seriously, it glorifies really bad people making really bad decisions and getting into really bad situations that they can't get out of. It is all very Shakespearean when it comes down to it, only with more flesh, so to speak.

On the upside there is no f***ing......as in swearing, on The Sons, but more of the the actual physical thing, which is what got everyone excited this last while. This time I don't hear them protesting about the burning of bodies, shooting of people, knifing or beating.....just one bum shot!

Neither FX or show creator Kurt Sutter has responded to the Parents Television Council's grievance.

and....Charlie Hunnam's ass could not be reached for comment. But the rest of him looks like this....

As Entertainment Weekly reports, it's not the first time the group has complained about Sons of Anarchy, a show they should clearly just stop watching already!

 I agree, from what I saw while researching for you lot.....It's raw, it's naked and it is sex (which I don't think should be a spectator sport no matter whose ass is involved)....for goodness sake it's SOA!!! SEASON SEVEN!!! Get over it! You have opposable thumbs - you can turn the set off!

And under the heading "there is nothing new under the sun" I remember back in the 1990's when NYPD Blue pushed the envelope by including shots of naked butts during sex scenes. Dennis Franz was one of the first to display his moneymaker on the series as Detective Andy Sipowicz. Despite heavy criticism — including calls to boycott the show — NYPD Blue’s ratings kept going up and up.

Dennis is the guy on the right. So whose ass would you rather look at - A Hunnam or a Franz?  The other guy in this picture...well...you saw a lot of his butt too. Eventually he did turn into a real ASS and no one in Hollywood would hire him for a very...long....time. I am sure you know who he is.

Note to self - I would rather watch the character Jax (Charlie Hunnam) bouncing around doing the deed that look at a Kardashian's well oiled ass.

You be the judge:

Is this even physically possible???

******

While visiting a friend in Edmonton this last weekend we went out for lunch and sat next to a family who was celebrating a woman's birthday.

One of the other women handed her a box and said something about it being late......

It turned out to be a calendar or a calendar holder - we didn't want to gawk! But the ensuing conversation really got our attention.

the Giftee said that she "already had a calendar that she used and that she didn't need another one."

There was just SILENCE at the table, then conversation continued and she didn't say 'thank you' or 'it was a nice gesture anyway' NO - she waited literally a few MINUTES and we heard her say:

"You know, I really can't think of ANYWHERE that I could possible use this."

Wow - drop her off your Christmas list.



Things I have learned this week:

Over the last decades many things have been sent up into space for "aliens to find". (For those of you in the southern U.S. of A reading this...it does not mean Mexican aliens...but space aliens.)

"Send my love to the aliens. All the best, Paul."

That was the message from Paul McCartney when, in 2008, Nasa beamed into space the Beatles song Across the Universe via its Deep Space Network.  How anyone finding this will have the correct way to play it is beyond me..I can't even find the right cables for my Blackberry Playbook and phone!

The Beatles song is travelling across the universe at a speed of 186,000 miles per second to reach North Star, Polaris, which is 431 light years away from Earth.

Here is a partial list of important historical ....stuff ......we humans have decided are important enough to represent our civilization.

 Luke Skywalker's Lightsaber

 A colour photograph of the city of Oxford

 A black and white diagram of human sex organs

 A sound recording of a shepherd herding sheep

 Johnny B Goode by Chuck Berry

 Buzz Lightyear toy. The astronaut action figure of the Toy Story films.

 Lots of dead space monkeys, many called Albert

  A saxophone

 A copy of Playboy Magazine

 A triple barrel TP-82 capable of 40 gauge shotgun rounds

And most importantly.......The ashes of Gene Roddenberry

****

You can actually have all your Christmas shopping done and all your Christmas cards written by November 11th! Bring on the carols....I will be so sick of it all by December 1st!!!

NOT EVERYTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS.....

Garth brooks has a new song out that is 'bringing country western fans to tears.' It brought me to tears as well, because it is SO BAD! At the time I was very, very disappointed in our Garth.

Really, if anyone else had laid claim to these lyrics they would have been lambasted. The melody is just okay, his voice is as great as ever but the words..... Apparently it is a conversation between God and a baby. The Christians are all over this one because the ending tells the baby that 'mom' will put them on a path that will bring them back to "me".... as in God.

'A little baby told God,
Hey I’m kinda scared, don’t really know if
I wanna go down there,

 ( "Hey, I'm kinda scared"  Hey? Hey! This is supposedly GOD you are talking to!!)

Because from here it looks like a little blue ball
But that’s a great big place and I’m so small.

Why can’t I just stay here with you?

( Because baby, after nine months of morning sickness, back ache and swollen feet it is time for you to GET OUT! At least that is what the WOMAN would be thinking...I don't know about God.)


Did I make you mad, don’t you want me, too?’
And God said, ‘Oh child, of course I do,
 But there’s somebody special that’s waiting for you...'

It sort of gets worse from here and then repeats a bunch and then ends....sob, sob, sob.

He even lifted the lyrics "So hush now little baby don't you cry." Really Garth - we all know those aren't yours.

Am I being cynical about this, oh yeah. I am not opposed to a song about God, or babies or God and babies......it's just that it is SO BAD and if Garth hadn't recorded it no one would ever hear it! Which might just be a good thing.

During a live performance by Garth on Good Morning America all the women were balling their eyes out and fanning themselves while Garth got all choked up over how much money this song was going to bring in.

And then it dawned on me. Garth doesn't write his own songs....and I researched on The Google and sure enough two guys wrote this song, but one of them wasn't the Garthmeister. And they are going to be laughing all the way to the bank.

I like Garth Brooks and have several of his albums. I even went to see him perform and he is a pro. But this time he has sold out big time.

His new album is entitled Man Against the Machine - I am thinking it is the Money Making Machine and Garth is the forerunner in the race. GAG!

*****

What lengths would you go to for a date? When it comes to the over-populated world of online dating, two men have taken matters to the extreme to promote themselves above the crowd.

Match.com 3D printed life-size mannequins of two of its members in a bid to boost their chances of finding The One.

Passing women are encouraged to click through to the pair's dating profiles to find out further information.

I have actually seen the guys on a lot of these dating sites and this is not them! (and NO, I wasn't looking for men for myself!) ANYWAY - the majority of the men on the sites are regular, man on the street, guys. And you know the expression "the man on the street is not...." So, to pick two relatively nice looking guys to try this one is a bit silly.

What they need to do is have a sloppy, fat guy, wearing a Harley Davidson T-shirt, camo pants, and a ball cap, holding a can of beer in one hand with a profile that reads something like "Slightly chunky and loves the outdoors."  Then see how successful they are!

Besides, I don't think the guy in the blue sweater is looking for a woman.



Things I've learned this week:

It was Singles Day in China on Tuesday, a type of Valentine's Day that sees people celebrate their single status by buying billions of dollars worth of items online.

 But one Chinese programmer was so sick of being single that he spent more than $120,000 buying 99 iPhone 6s to propose to his girlfriend.

She said NO - wow!

***
A very ambitious shoplifter was caught attempting to steal a chainsaw by stuffing it down his shorts. The 28-year-old escaped on his bicycle while being chased by employees from the store, who called the police.

He ditched the chainsaw in a bush and was later spotted searching some woodland near the store and was arrested.

****

There is a Christmas song which features David Bowie and Bing Crosby. Seriously, on Sirrius. I can't make this stuff up!

*****

How low can you go.....well....

The Department of National Defence says Franck Gervais, a man who claimed; while being interviewed,  to be a decorated soldier during Tuesday's Remembrance Day ceremony at the National War Memorial in Ottawa, is not a member of the Canadian Forces.

"During CBC's extensive coverage of Remembrance Day commemorations in Ottawa, we interviewed many veterans and serving members of the Canadian Forces. These included one man who had been standing among a group of uniformed personnel. To civilian eyes, he appeared to be an authentic soldier,"

"We have since learned that he was not, that his uniform was not correct, and that he was wearing medals he had not earned. All this was drawn to our attention by veterans and serving members, who were upset."  Ya think!

And just when you thought you had seen and heard it all.....

I bet his parents are VERY proud!

PLANNING IS EVERYTHING....

Looking to buy flowers for a funeral? ...while you are at it, pick up an urn, as in crematorial urn or even your own casket. You can't actually take the casket home with you, but you can order it on line for delivery. Apparently Costco U.S. has been doing this for a while. Who knew?

"Just put it over there in the garage. I won't be needing it for a while. Thanks."

What IS the shipping cost on something like that? Need it in a hurry, no problem. Overnight express - no problem, just sign here.

"Uncle Harold died? Quick get to The Google!! We need that casket pronto."

An aside here: my mother actually knew a woman who bought her own casket and had it delivered to her home. She returned it twice because she decided she didn't like the colour, white would "get too dirty" and the blue was "too blue." I kid you not.

ANYWAY - There is a store here in my hometown, where you can pick up an urn for $99.00 and a casket for $999.00...plus taxes of course. Because there is no overhead and the caskets and urns are made in China (or as we like to say "It's made in She-Nay") they can be sold at a much lower price than a funeral home. One could say that these prices are to die for!


Here is a sample of caskets you can order online -

"Fairway to Heaven" - Seriously???

"The Last Supper"....okay, even I think this is a bit much, what if the departed had choked to death?

"The Race is Over" - Yes, you have crossed the finish line

hmmm.....decisions, decisions

****

I have a pet peeve.

We are forever looking at houses for sale, new home styles, pictures of renovations....I don't know why, because we aren't planning on A) moving anytime soon or B) any more renovations. But we do peruse - it is a lot like tire kicking when in a car lot.

So, my pet peeve is when you see a lovely kitchen and it states it has an island - generally a large granite island. And 'they' state you can eat at said island. Well, you can, but more often than not there is a stove top or a sink stuck in the damned thing. REALLY. Do you want to eat next to your sink? Do you want to eat next to your stove? NO, I don't and it is the one thing that would be a deal breaker for me if I was in the lookout for a new kitchen or new house. Which I am not.  

So many times I see a home all staged with place mats, plates, glasses parked within inches of the sink. How often is there NOTHING in your sink? Not a fork or spoon, a cup, a plate....even though you have a dishwasher, but your partner doesn't seem to know where it is....but that is another blog!!!! Generally there is something sitting in your sink....hell even your dishrag...who wants to eat looking at a dishrag?

Think about it. Am I not right????

'This dinner is delicious honey and I love the way the candle light bounces off the stainless sink oh, and does that dishrag smell of lemon?' 

******

Things I've learned this week:

Apparently Canadian seniors are falling into the bankruptcy pit!!! What... you ask?
YES, you read that right. The older gen who should be soaking up the sun in warmer climes this winter, after paying their dues all of their lives, are the fastest growing segment of bankrupt people in the country.

Okay, you say, they are living longer and really, at 85 can you really still travel? But health and age aside this is not the reason for them staying put. Yes, their pensions may not be keeping up with the cost of living and perhaps they are still supplementing their income with credit but....the true reason:

They are having to bail out their grown children and grandchildren!!

I was aghast!

AND I know, seniors are far from the only demographic getting into financial troubles, but they have no one to turn to. They can't call up Mom and Dad for a loan, because Mom and Dad are LONG GONE. But in this age of entitlement (and I mean that OTHER demographic - 18 to 29 year olds) children and children's children have no trouble hitting up the old folk. 26% of the general population polled stated they couldn't pull together $2,000.00 over the next month if they had to.

Well, November is Financial Literacy Month. It is time to get your financial house in order.....cuz those old peeps aren't going to be around forever and the following generation is already in deep trouble!


***

While scarfing down he "leftover" Halloween candy (and at this point I will mention that I bought WAY more than what was required. Because....you never know when a bus load of impoverished inner city kids may show up at your country door demanding treats) I noticed on the Rolo package a note that said "natural flavours" with a huge green check mark beside it.

Oh, I thought to myself, then it must be better for you than those sickly sweet treats without the huge green check mark. Well, no. Along with ingredients like wheat, glucose-fructose, salt, sodium carbonate there was listed "Natural flavours." Really? That's it? No explanation of what the 'natural flavours' are from....fruit, vegetables, herbs, mouse droppings?

I mean, a caster bean is a 'natural flavour'.....it is also called Ricin...and it will kill you!

****

Sometimes it's the little things in life that make you laugh and laugh

A MIND THAT NEVER STOPS.....

Well, I am back at it.

Taking a break, from just about everything in your normal life, and then coming back to reality kind of sucks. Not only did I take a few weeks to 'holiday' I came out of it being older....much older...as in, senior citizen! Yes, I turned the golden, pensionable age of 65. Do I feel any different? No, not particularly. But, I am richer, by about five hundred bucks a month. And I am thankful for all the good things in my life....also thankful I didn't get a cake like this:

Really....what was going through their mind?? A flaming dog!

Even though on 'holiday' my mind did not stop thinking - oh, that would be Blogworthy. So here are just a few things I mulled over while sipping chilled white wine and watching sailboats bob in the aqua blue ocean.

Did you ever wonder where the U.S. Miltary comes up with mission names? Apparently the use of nicknames to influence public perception started with the 1989 invasion of Panama...or Operation Just Cause.  Before the Pentagon had decided the name had "publicity potential" it was calling it Operation Blue Spoon. Why? - haven't a clue!

You don't want to have anything boastful or disparaging and the military seems to come up with suitable names at lightening speed - When 3,000 troops headed to Liberia to 'fight' Ebola, the mission was dubbed Operation United Assistance. Boring as hell, but you get the idea...United we stand and all that.

Strangely the operations in Iraq and Syria have yet to be named. The military won't comment on WHY there is no name, just that they haven't come up with one yet. I suppose they don't want to come up with a really bad one that will go down in the annuls of history. A few rejects - Operation Afghan Freedom - or OAF, and Operation Iraqi Liberation - or OIL.

The war that is now the longest in American history (Afghanistan) was called Operation Enduring Freedom but has now been changed (to project the guilty) to Operation Resolute Support. Doesn't have much of a ring to it does it?

Anything to do with Iraq can be tricky. President Obama bestowed Operation New Dawn on the Iraq war and well.....it really wasn't was it?

The 1944 Normandy invasion was dubbed Operation Overlord - hands up anyone who knew that! But we all know Operation Desert Storm don't we?

Now, there is actually a computer program in the Pentagon, which keeps track of previous efforts and sets parameter for future ones. Really? But, rumor has it that what it comes up with is generally ignored anyway, especially with higher profile conflicts. Tax dollars well spent again.

So, back to Name That Mission - namely Iraq and Syria.  Or "If you name it, you own it." The big push is apparently because of the medals awarded to those who have served in these conflicts. Many of the pilots flying these missions already have medals from Operation New Dawn and Operation Iraqi Freedom so if they get a medal now...it needs to be a new name. Hmmmm?  There is one that I personally like that is being bandied about........ It takes note of how U.S. bombing raids are targeting U.S. made equipment that has been nabbed by Islamic State fighters...the suggestion..

"Operation Hey That's My Humvee."

***

While away we tried to stay away from the news...at least..the bad news. But when an armed Michael Zehaf Bibeau barged into the Centre Block of the Canadian Parliament on Wednesday morning we heard about it from our neighbours down south and our relatives in Canada.

As bullets were flying outside the doors of the meeting room where he sat, Manitoba MP Steven Fletcher (who is wheelchair bound) told his aide that if it came to it, she should leave him behind.

"I told my caregiver if the opportunity comes to get out, she has to take it," Fletcher said.  Fletcher was sitting right in front of the wooden doors of the Reading Room.

As his colleagues scurried past, diving for the safety of the stone walls, Fletcher could only move a little to the side of the doors. No mention of where his aide was hiding.

"I figured if the person was going to come in, it would be through those doors," said Fletcher. What - did he think he was part of a barricade? Strange indeed.

Outside the doors, bullets were flying.

"I had images of people hiding behind pillars and shooting," said Fletcher. "There were so many shots."

It must have been terrifying for him, to say the least. But how do some people react in these situations???  Personally, I would probably just have been rooted to the spot and peed my pants, but having never been in this situation your guess is as good as mine.

Apparently the police and military officers in the Conservative caucus sprang into action. They used chairs and tables to barricade doors that wouldn't lock. Good idea!!!

And then there was this bit of news:

"while others began fashioning makeshift spears from flagpoles."

Ya know that expression "never bring a knife to a gunfight."

OR, For all those fans of Galaxy Quest I quote the character Guy:

"Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?"

******

While away I saw a young man wearing a baseball hat with the tag "You can't fix stupid." and I thought.......is that a personal statement about himself? Hi, I'm stupid!


Things I've learned this week:

While in KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa, in 2005, Benedict Cumberbatch and two friends were abducted overnight and held at gunpoint by a group of locals. In the end, their abductors drove them into unsettled territory and set them free without explanation. Cumberbatch said of the incident:

"It taught me that you come into this world as you leave it, on your own. It's made me want to live a life less ordinary."


******

Next week is National Bat week. I am assuming the kind that fly not the ones used in baseball. At least, I hope so.

BITS AND BOBS FROM THE WEEK THAT WAS

"We are in need of a shower for a basement project. After checking out the usual places like HomeDepot and Rona I thought I would just have a look at the local 'buy and sell' online sties.

Really people - do you have NO salesmanship??? Among the few I looked at, here is  just a sampling of some of the descriptions.

"shower - needs cleaning" Okay, this has to be a man. Why don't you just clean the damn thing and ask a better price....or is this your WIFE'S job??

"small chip - you can repair it" Is this why you are getting rid of it in the first place? A small chip that happens to be on the bottom where the water will leak out. And if it is so easy to repair.....why don't you do it?

"Shower, still in packaging but blocking garage door" - So, I have to ask...why don't you return it to the store where you bought it? Oh, right...it 'fell' off the back of a truck.

If you are going to SELL something then sell it. Don't leave the mess for someone else to clean up or give too much information, like: child's mattress - only peed on once or area rug - small stain where cat threw up.

Needless to say, we are going to buy NEW.

****

We have a local artist, Wanda Koop, of....some renown...at least she is here. I have seen a few of her pieces and I have to admit that I probably wouldn't hang any in my house. But art is subjective.....

I have no idea what Wanda was thinking when she did this. Car goes off ramp on a foggy night?

ANYWAY - I read this article in the local paper:

"The Canadian Art Foundation will launch a new fund in honour of Winnipeg artist Wanda Koop.

The Wanda Koop Research Fund, will offer support to artists who would like to start their research or are completing their research"

It was early morning and I was just starting to sip my coffee and I read it like this:
 "artists who would like to start their research or are contemplating their research" and I thought, Wow, that is just stupid. Contemplating?

"Why do you think you deserve this grant?"

"Well, I was sitting on my sofa last night and I thought - I could do some research, or at least contemplate doing research into, I dunno, something. I mean you can always research something. Like my navel - yes - contemplation of my navel and I'll call it ART."

"Okay - you just got a grant Mister!"

I had this entire discussion in my head and when dear husband walked in I told him all about it....and then I re-read the article. Whooooppss! Sorry Wanda.


Things I have learned this week:

Just when you think a job is finished....it really isn't.....and neither is my list of things to do!

***

The iconic children's book series "Where's Waldo?" portrays Waldo as a character with a knack for blending in with the crowd and the object is to find him on the pages.

It's a skill Waldo's real-life counterparts apparently have yet to learn, as a bachelor party dressed in the character's signature red and white stripes found itself captured on video amid a train-station brawl in Manchester, England.

In the absurd video, which lasts a little over a minute, one of the Manchester fans appears to start the argument, leaning over the divider between two moving walkways and pushing a Waldo, who responds with his own retaliatory shove. From there, the argument grows more heated, with a second Manchester fan smashing his crutch over the head of a second Waldo, leading to an all-out brawl. Police rush into the scene shortly thereafter.

According to the Manchester Evening News, only one of the Waldo impersonators, Stephen Hargreaves, was found guilty, while all four members of the opposite group, John Eyre, Jack Eyre, Rhys Eyre and Ross Hunter, were charged for their roles in the incident.

Where's Waldo....I guess jail.

***

Apparently WAY back in January....

A tunnel in Norway was closed - by a lorry-load of burning cheese.

About 27 tonnes of caramelised brown goat cheese - a delicacy known as Brunost - caught light as it was being driven through the Brattli Tunnel.

The fire raged for five days and smouldering toxic gases were slowing the recovery operation, officials said. Toxic gases?....from the cheese or the tunnel construction?

Police officer Viggo Berg said the high concentration of fat and sugar in the cheese made it burn "almost like petrol if it gets hot enough".

The lorry driver had noticed the fire in his trailer and abandoned it about 300m from the southern entrance. In other words - he decided to get to hell away from his load of Brunost, delicacy or not.

Kjell Bjoern Vinje, of the Norwegian Public Roads Administration, said it was the first time he could remember cheese catching fire on Norwegian roads. Yes, and likely the last, I'm thinkin'

"I didn't know that brown cheese burns so well," he said. Well, Kjell, now ya know.

***

Some fish, or maybe all fish, can actually cradle into a plant and sleep. I went to feed my two remaining guys and one was laying out on a leaf....immediately I thought - there goes another one! I tapped the glass - which you are NOT supposed to do and.... nothing. So I fed the one swimming about and lo and behold the other one 'woke up' and started to eat. I thought he was a goner, but the fish came back.

***

Prison has not being kind to dear old Grammy winning music legend Phil Spector. He never was a handsome, leading man kind of guy but now he looks like something out of Lord of the Rings - and I don't mean in a good way - very Gollum-like.

Yes, Phil, smiling always makes you look so much better

I think it's the ears.......and the nose....or perhaps the forehead

WHAT TO CALL THIS DAY....OH, FRIDAY....

Apparently this last week was "National Payroll Week" - I kid you not. The reason being:

"Canada's payroll professionals are responsible for ensuring that $860 billion in annual wages and taxable benefits get paid to employees, accurately and on time."

YES - I do believe that is called - their job!  Along with the ad - yes! there was an actual ad in the paper - there was a picture outline of Canada with a bunch of faces with their jaws dropped.....because...What if they didn't receive their pay cheque?

Oh My! I had no idea that there is actually a Canadian Payroll Association, who obviously paid for the ad in the paper. Scrooge will be spinning in his fictional coffin!

When dear husband read this ad in the paper he said "What is next - National Boink Your Neighbour's Wife Week?"

To which I replied "Only if they are PROFESSIONAL Boinkers." 

AND THEN - he pointed out a newsclip which stated that August 30th is.....National Roasted Marshmallow Day. (How DOES he find these things? Beats me, but gives me great fodder for my Blog). 

Apparently, the U.S. Forest Service was instructing Americans how to successfully toast a marshmallow without injuring themselves. What is the fun of roasting a marshmallow with your family without at least one of you either having your marshmallow catch on fire and whipping it about frantically while everyone else is diving for cover? OR having the burning goo stick to your hand while you......stick it in your mouth to get it off....now burning your mouth. Isn't that what it is all about???

Well, no, the U.S. Forestry Service wants you to NOT dip your marshmallow in chocolate (How about Baileys??) and attach a piece of fruit instead and when making S'mores, don't use a Graham cracker but a slice of angel food cake....This is in the name of NUTRITION and safety I suppose. Good Grief is nothing sacred?

****

Soon after this, dear husband had a bit of a melt down at the local Tim Hortons.

On the back page of the Metro newspaper was an ad for ZEV custom apparel. One of the captions states:

Tailored Like You.

Well, seeing as they make custom suits I would hope they would be tailored somewhat like your body.  But that wasn't what got dear husband.

"Look at this guys suit!" he exclaimed "it doesn't even fit him."

I looked at the picture and sure enough he had a smiley crotch, the suit jacket seemed too short, the sleeves looked short and the two buttons on the jacket actually made it pull across his chest.  

"And what is with that tie? It's not the right knot for that shirt!!"

My first thought was - "When did dear husband become the fashion police?" and my second thought was "What was the photographer thinking?" They could have fixed it with a bit of Photoshopping or perhaps this is the NEW LOOK. If the NEW LOOK is one where you look like you borrowed your smaller and younger brothers suit and slapped a haphazardly tied tie onto the shirt. 

He also looks like he needs a good poop.

*****

And speaking of fashion. Just when you thought you had seen everything....

What the hell is this??

Things I have learned this week:

We have a favorite restaurant and have gotten to know the owners and their children over the years. The daughter went to the same school as ours, only a few years ahead of her, and we always ask what she is doing etc. etc.

The other night we dropped in and she was there, so on the way out I asked her what she was up to these days.

"I just came back from New York. I was studying at Columbia and I have an installation at a museum coming up."

Wow - I knew she had been studying 'Art' for years so when I got home I immediately got on The Google to see what her "installation" could possibly be.

Well.......I am not a prude by any stretch, but I could certainly see how this may offend the masses.

After twelve years of private schooling, about 14 years of University courses, her only job being working in her parents restaurant, and applying for and receiving a Canada Council Grant she has come up with....

A script written, hot pink neon phrase which hangs on a wall in a bare room. The singe phrase reads:

I'mf*****gyou   with the middle word blinking on and off

In my opinion - she certainly is.

***

People in Calgary are being warned to steer clear of the South Health Campus after a cougar wandered to areas just outside the hospital.

Crews are also trying to corral a second cougar that was spotted in the nearby community of Seton. It’s in a stairwell of a building on Martet Street, police said.

THIS ISN'T WHAT I HAD IN MIND....

This week there was an enormous amount of rain that fell on Arizona, causing flooding of Biblical proportions. Our house is about ninety minutes north of the flooding area, and our lot is quite high in comparison to the houses around us...so I wasn't worried. But it did bring to mind the comment my neighbour made about how people who drive through flood areas and get swept away by the waters can be fined - big time.

The “Stupid Motorist Law”, which corresponds to section 28-910 of the Arizona Revised Statutes, states that any motorist who becomes stranded after driving around barricades to enter a flooded stretch of roadway may be charged for the cost of his/her rescue.

The need for the law came from the lack of storm sewers in the deserts of the Southwestern United States, combined with heavy rainfall in the desert, usually associated with the summer monsoon. If public emergency services, such as a fire department, or paramedics are called to rescue the motorist and tow the vehicle out of danger, the cost of those services can be billed to the motorist, plus additional liability of up to $2,000.

Common sense you say? Huh?

A group of tourists on their way back from sightseeing at the Grand Canyon are lucky to be alive after their tour bus was swept away by flood waters in northern Arizona. The water then carried the bus 300 yards before it flipped onto its side in the flooded wash.

In all, 33 people were on the bus when it flipped. Thankfully, none of them were injured.

A spokesman for the Northern Arizona Consolidated Fire District said the bus approached a low-lying area and was swept away by a flash flood. There had been announcements on the radio and everyone in Arizona knows not to drive into a flooded road or intersection, especially after a heavy downpour....except for this bus driver it seems.

The passengers and the driver managed to escape the bus by climbing through windows and swimming to dry land. Even more scary - by the time the passengers had escaped, the water had risen to 8 feet in some areas.

And then there is the case of the driver of a medical transport van who waits to find out if she will be cited for ignoring a barricade and driving into a flooded Scottsdale intersection, where she and her patient, in a wheelchair, had to be rescued by the fire department.....who luckily had a very long ladder!

At another location, an officer used his cell phone to record a white Ford Bronco as it entered a flooded wash near Lost Dutchman Boulevard. The vehicle was quickly overtaken by the rushing current and swept way downstream.

Several local, county and state rescue agencies responded, including the Department for Public Safety, which used a helicopter to rescue the two 19-year-old men in the vehicle.

Yup, I have a big truck and I can ride through anything!!!!As they went hurtling down the wash screaming like little girls.


***

I was a little dismayed this week when I fed the fish and discovered that SIX had gone missing....as in....nowhere to be found - no little decaying bodies bobbing around - nothing!

I called to dear husband "the Neon's are gone!"

"the Neon?" - as in, the neon light in our kitchen....

"No - the Neon Tetra's in the tank. They have disappeared."

He came down the stairs, coffee mug in hand, robe flapping at his bare legs, "Well," he said after observing the tank for a moment. "the fact that the other fish aren't eating should give you a clue."

WHAT? My two other guys ATE my Neons???

Why, after months of cohabiting, have the two big buys suddenly turned on ALL SIX of my little guys. And they weren't that little.....I have seen them grow from practically little dots to lovely turquoise blue and red shimmering flashes.

So, now what do I do? Get more Neons so that they can become lunch? Get more big guys, who may eventually beat the crap out of my existing big guys? Hhhhmm? I think I will wait until early next year to replenish the stock. We will be away and I don't want our housesitter to have to worry about who is eating who in the water world.

Another of the world's great mysteries.......



Things I have learned this week:

I think this husband is glad to get rid of her....I'm just sayin'

Mrs. Sonia Van Meter ( I emphasize MRS. ) has applied to be in one of the groups heading to Mars...a one way trip to Mars that is.

Apparently she is not the only nutbar on the planet...as in THIS planet...as 200,000 people applied to Mars One to be considered.

Mrs. Van Meter thought this was an opportunity that just couldn't be missed. "My purpose on this mission is to help people back on Earth to look up." Look Up??? At what - Mars? I think we can all do that by just tilting our heads on a daily basis Sonia.

And her husband, who didn't think it was a really great idea to begin with, has come round.

"Living without her will be agony that I will have to share with the WORLD." He stated rather dramatically if you ask me..... Sorry, buddy, but I don't think I will be in agony over this.

He continues....."I'll be MR. Sonia Van Meter for the rest of my life, showing up to cut the ribbon at Sonia Van Meter High School and telling her story here on Earth." Well, It's all about YOU isn't it mister.

Back to Sonia and it's all about HER. "I am incredibly fortunate in that I have a remarkable family....to leave behind."

AND every year, several times a year...she watches Apollo 13...you know...the one where the mission nearly ended in disaster!!!

NUTBAR alert...if you see this woman....just back away slowly

Strangely enough her stepchildren, Henry and Hatcher, think it's cool that their stepmom has decided to be this hero. Yes - we all know how children feel about their stepmoms now don't we????That won't be a broom she'll be flyin' on kids!

So, it seems there are now FIFTY ONE ways to leave your lover.......Leave the planet, Janet....Get lost in space, Grace! Good on ya, Sonia!

WHAT IS THAT BUZZING???

Things I dislike about the Fall season.....

Flies get stupid. Not that I think an insect that eats....well....anything that isn't moving, is that smart. But in the Fall they fly around and seem a bit off. They land on your nose. I mean, really? Why? They doze around in circles for what seems like forever - just what are they looking for with those compound eyes??

But, they are even easier to swat. That is the BIG ones. Then there are those pesky fruit flies that come into your house at this time of year.

We have friends who have gardens - produce gardens. They welcome their first ripened tomato like the second coming. Watching, waiting and guarding it until it is a glorious red and then delicately plucking it from the vine and marching ceremoniously into the house for the rest of the family to ohhhh and ahhhh over the first of what they hope will be a bountiful harvest.... they then hoard the few dozen or so after that.... and THEN - well - when the yields are truly overwhelming...they can't get rid of them fast enough.

'Get your tomatoes here. Get 'em before they are too ripe. Get your tomatoes...you can eat them off the vine, you can slice 'em or dice 'em, even can them for winter......we are sick to death of friggin' tomatoes....'

The joys of over planting.

Honestly, my neighbour has given us about six giant cucumber every day for the last week! Not the nice little cucumbers or zucchinis that we can actually use; more like the size from The Pod People in a horror flick. We don't even eat cucumber that much in the first place. AND his tomatoes - the gnarly looking ones with lots of dirt packed into the bottom where they have been sitting on the ground for a few weeks have been arriving on our doorstep in buckets. Thanks! BECAUSE along with all this produce you get pesky fruit flies. They hover, by the masses, around the cat food, the empty beer bottles, any fruit or veggies you have laying around, in wine glasses from last night......and you just can't get rid of them.

Well....here is why:

Using high-resolution, high-speed digital imaging of fruit flies faced with a looming swatter, researcher Mr. Dickinson and graduate student Gwyneth Card have determined the secret to a fly's evasive manoeuvring. Long before the fly leaps, its tiny brain calculates the location of the impending threat, comes up with an escape plan, and places its legs in an optimal position to hop out of the way in the opposite direction. All of this action takes place within about 100 milliseconds after the fly first spots the swatter.

 Dickinson's research also suggests an optimal method for actually swatting a fly. "It is best not to swat at the fly's starting position, but rather to aim a bit forward of that to anticipate where the fly is going to jump when it first sees your swatter," he says.

So, if you see me madly swatting the air with my fly swatter it is because I am trying to anticipate where the gazillion fruit flies will be next......or at the best, I will hit a few just by flailing about.

*****

Fall, when my flower plants need to be plucked out and tossed away. When do you do this? I hate to pull up perfectly good, blooming, plants that I have watered and fertilized all summer just because it is Fall. Do you wait for the first frost and then pull them out - all wilty and wet? Or be pre-emptive? Every year I agonize over this and generally wait too long, the first snow comes and I don't have to worry about it until the next spring....when everything is bone dry and brittle and very hard to pull out of the pot.

****

Fall, when I have to put all of the summer furniture away for the winter. It was so much fun putting it out and anticipating warm summer days and nights....but now.....winter loooooommmmms!


Things I have learned this week:

Busy people get things done. We are on the countdown to heading south for almost a month and our list of things to do just keeps getting longer - but I know we will, somehow, have it all done by the time we leave.....I hope.

***

Even my cat hates the Fall. She has been waking us up at the crack of dawn all summer. Now that the nights are cooler she doesn't come down from the loft until the sun is well up and warming the day. Either that or she is just old and can't get up as fast as she used to.....I can relate.

***

House flies are carriers of numerous pathogenic bacteria. Gangrene, tuberculosis, dysentery, anthrax, plague and different types of poisoning are just some of diseases transmitted by flies. (Hope you aren't eating breakfast as you read this!!) They also 'poop' several times a minute.......eeeewwwww

IF IT'S FRIDAY THEN THIS IS FROM ME

It's been a funny week....not just the weather, which feels more like October..but..like summer by noon,  just some funny stuff that has happened.

We had some friends in from out of town and they wanted to meet for a dinner. I tried reservations at several of our haunts but to no avail, everyone was booked up. Then we decided that the NEXT day would work better for us and I went to the computer to get the number for The Peasant Cookery. Except, I somehow typed  this in:

the peasant cokerye ey

Up came:

The History of Latvia

Revolting Peasants - from the movie Monty Python did

Peasants War events......and so on.

I Actually READ the History of Latvia - I mean it was right there on the screen so why not? AND it had this warning:

"An automated process has detected links on this page on the local or global blacklist. If the links are appropriate you may request whitelisting by following these instructions; otherwise consider removing or replacing them with more appropriate links."

What? I didn't DARE click on the Blacklisted link section....I mean, you never know when a bunch of Baltic bullies could come break down your door for reading the wrong thing on The Google.

So - just watch what you type people cuz BIG Brother is......... watching...every...move.......just ask the guy who was caught on tape abusing a poor little dog in a Vancouver elevator - Believe me he's going to get his!!! (Fist in the air - BASTARD!) and rightly deserved.

****

And it was a funny week for Mrs. Fulton of the British Isles when she received a letter saying how sorry the letter writer - Standard Life - was to hear of her untimely death.

The 80-year-old widow received a letter pronouncing her dead after her pension provider made a "clerical error".

 She found a short message of condolence from an employee at Standard Life, which read: "I was sorry to learn of Mrs Fulton's death when the bank returned her June pension instalment to us. I offer my sincere condolences on behalf of Standard Life."

"Please can you contact me with the date that Mrs Fulton passed away." Enclosed was a prepaid envelope and a telephone number.

Mrs Fulton, who was described as frail by neighbours acting on her behalf, said she was left "extremely upset". The widow suffered a severe stroke almost a decade ago and lived alone.

"You can imagine how shocked I was to receive the letter," Mrs Fulton said. "Fortunately I still have my wits about me, but I dread to think what the consequences could have been for someone in more fragile health than myself." Wait a minute Mrs. Fulton...you didn't even notice there was no money in your bank!

AND I had to think......did it even cross her mind that she really was DECEASED? I mean really - she lives alone, has health issues, SAYS she has her wits about her......did she never watch the movie where the little boy says "I see dead people." Who can now say "I see a dead career" because I haven't seen him in anything since.

Remember this guy......???

Anyway - that thought that I thought Mrs. Fulton might think....well....it just crossed MY mind.

Thank you for your time,

Tangents R Us

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As many of you know we had a family gathering last week. My dear husband's cousin came from Iceland. She has a charming accent and is quite funny. The three of us were sitting around the living room after everyone else had gone to bed and I got talking about the show VIKINGS!.

I said "I know you told me that most of it was "bullshit" when we talked about it before, but I think you would enjoy it."

She said that not ALL of it was "Bullshit", just the touristy part they peddle to visitors. Then she asked me "Do you know what Lothbrok means in Icelandic?" 

I confessed that I didn't know what the main characters name - Ragnar Lothbrok meant in Icelandic.

She sits up and looks me in the eye (she IS a teacher) and says:

"Ragnar Fairytrousers"

I blinked and thought, well that IS a strange name for a Viking. Then my dear husband burst out laughing.  

Our cousin looked at us and then asked "Oh, did I say FAIRYtrousers? I meant HAIRYtrousers." Which only made us laugh harder.

Well, English is her second, third or perhaps fourth language.

I miss her.

Things I've learned this week:

Never, ever try to pee off the hot tub deck when it has been raining.....I will not say any more.( It is only about six inches high.....no person....or animal....was hurt during this episode. )

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Binge series watching can be fun. Yes, Hooked again - thanks Parsons for suggesting Breaking Bad!!! Didn't get to bed until after midnight and I have a busy day today.....


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Long weekends to the self employed mean nothing.