AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT- MAYBE

This is part of my  "Voices in my Head" series, which some day may be a book...or not. It is basically random thoughts I have and it is an aid to help you sleep. You know when you wake up at 3 a.m. and you just keep thinking crazy thoughts.....like if you have a gun, five acres and a shovel can you really get away with murder. Okay, so maybe not that thought exactly. But I find there is nothing like a good book when sleep is illusive. Not one that is "unputdownable" or "page turnable" but one that is soothing - or in this case so rambling that you will find you no longer need all those sheep because you are bored to ....well...sleep. So, watch for it in the Sleep Aid aisle at a drug store near you.

Jason Statham and I colour my hair:

So we are off to England in a week or so and I have to colour my hair before we go. I have been waiting to do this so that the grey doesn't come in too much by the time we are heading back. Timing is everything. I have also been experimenting with trying to find the perfect colour...not too red, not too blonde...but lighter so that I don't have to colour it so often and you can't see the grey coming in so soon. Okay got that??

So, my husband says,'Let's watch Jason Statham tonight."

Now, for those of you who don't know who he is, he is from some Guy Ritchie movies. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Revolver, Snatch just to name a few. If you really don't know who he is look him up - for a guy with a heavy close shave and no hair he is pretty nice to look at.  AND - If you don't know who Guy Ritchie is he is Madonna ex husband - the English one - not one of the American ones. AND - If you don't know who Madonna is you must have been living under a rock for a very long time.

So, I get all my housey stuff done, talk to my girlfriend, think about doing some laundry and then with a half hour to spare I colour my hair.  I experiment....because...noted above.....I am trying to find the perfect colour. I plan to mix:

a half bottle of red

and a half bottle of ash blonde

I KNOW! It could turn out green!!! Actually NOT, because I went on The Google and asked it - sort of like a crystal ball - how to get the red out of red hair. Sort of a backward way to get the right colour but what the hell. On some obscure chat line it said to mix an ash blonde in with the red and it will neutralize it. Then I thought - I could have asked my hairdresser, who happens to be my daughter.

As I am about to start colouring my hair I remember I need to use an old towel, because as any of you natural redheads (?) know, the colour will come off on a towel for a while...maybe...perhaps...but who wants to wreck a perfectly good towel. So, I go downstairs to the cupboard where I keep old towels, shoe polish, cleaning products, mouse traps, mattress mite killer.....really....anything you need to survive you could find in that cupboard. Except food of course!!!

I notice the dryer has stopped so I fold some clothing and while doing this see the cat box needs to be cleaned and oh, they need some food as well. The cooler from the lake trip is still sitting there so it has to go back the garage and I move it to the door and go upstairs to start my hair.

Oh - towel. Back downstairs I go with a single mission....towel...towel...eyes straight ahead, don't get distracted.

Finally I get to mix my colour, eye balling it because after all it is an 'experiment'  and merrily apply it to my hair, wait 30 minutes and get into the shower. All the while....I am thinking about Jason Statham. BECAUSE: Guy Ritchie actually discovered Jason.

Jason and his dad had a business going on - well, to call it a business is maybe a stretch. They used to sell jewelry (really bad, cheap jewelry) on the sidewalk outside of Harrod's of London. In London, England - hence Jason's accent.  One day Guy is walking by and he sees a crowd around Jason and his dad flogging this really crap jewelry and he walks up to Jason and asks him if he has ever done any acting.

I'm sure after Jason told Guy to F off  - because don't forget this is London and everyone in London uses the F word. (Pass the F...ing peas please, mom. - I kid you not) Anyway I am sure Jason thought he was being hit on by some pervert - at least that would be MY first thought. I am guessing after some smooth talking by Guy, - maybe he pulled out a wedding picture of himself and Madge - Jason realized that this guy was really Guy, the guy....Guy Ritchie. And at that time married to Madonna, but we have already been down that road.

I am in the shower by now and I remember part of my "how to not get red hair that is too red" program is to wash with dandruff shampoo. Again - I have consulted The Google.

Crap! I forgot to get the shampoo from the bathroom cupboard! I leave the water running and I flip the old towel I got from the downstairs out to make a sort of towel pathway so water doesn't drip all over and then quickly duck back into the shower.

As I am lathering I am thinking....I may have actually MET Jason Statham, because I have been to London, England and have stood outside Harrod's of London and actually looked at some really crap jewelry being flogged by some guys....who by the way will quickly fold up their tents and run like hell if they see a copper coming around. And really....Harrod's is one of the, THE, largest department stores in the whole world so if you are dim enough to buy some crap jewelry from shysters on the sidewalk you deserve to be ripped off. But I have seen this with my own eyes and it COULD have been Jason - really - when you think about it is........ possible.

By now, I have put so much shampoo on my head I feel like I have five inches of meringue on the top of my head. Time to condition like hell then get out and see what colour I have created.

Red hair - same colour.

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Opposable thumbs. Now don't start sending me some nasty emails after you have read this about how I am picking on people/things that don't have opposable thumbs. I am merely stating that we really do take things for granted...things like thumbs. I think we should all bow our heads and give thanks to....whoever...for providing us with this terrific digit. Because, just think, without them ....

You can't lick and turn a page

You can't change your gears on a bike

You can't text

You can't pose like a cowboy....just to list a few  

I know you who don't have thumbs can really do all these things....you just can't do them with your thumbs because you don't have thumbs. So to all of those without thumbs, we with thumbs salute you....oh sorry! High five....no, never mind. Shake? wrong again.....fist bump?

Things I have learned this week:

Cats on death row can make you stand back and scratch your head. Ever since "dead cat walking" Lily has been told she has Lymphoma she has been eating like crazy and....gaining weight! I think that no one will be more surprised than her when she goes to that big littler box in the sky. 

You can be happy in your own little world. Some of you know that my husband's  dad has been moved to a "nursing home" for lack of a better world hahaha  ..I actually typed that when I meant - word - but it still fits!!! Every day is a new day and he seems extremely happy. I visited him the other day and while on a quest to find a slipper (don't ask) we passed a man in a wheelchair hollering "let me outta here, let me outta  here."  My father-in-law turned to me and with a very serious look stated, "They're all drunk in here."  I really did have to laugh.


And speaking of your own little world....what???? It's Lady GA...GA

What???? Is she thinking??????

Hope says she is never going to read to my husband again...he always falls asleep during the best part!

Is the PLASTIC in Plastic Surgery supposed to be literal?

We drove a friend of ours down to Grand Forks to catch a plane and passed a building with the sign - Truyu....Plastic Surgery. So, if we believe the sign - you will only discover the TRUE you if you get yourself enhanced and what nature gave you is really.....well.......not you.....????

Their ad states encouraging comments like: 'At Truyu, a rhinoplasty improves the appearance and proportion of your nose, enhancing facial harmony and self-confidence.' Facial harmony? Self confidence? So, if you look like the south end of a camel heading north, a nose job will give you more confidence. By the way - You can also like them on Facebook! I am sure no pun was intended.

This all tied in with our friend asking if we had seen Barry Manilow lately - not in person of course - but on the telly. We hadn't, so she went on to say that well...now after plastic surgery....he looks a lot like this guy:

Yes folks - It's Howdy Doody time!!!

And here is Barry Doody:

Apparently NOTHING MOVES on his face, which may relate to his own song that he can sing to his plastic surgeon......."Can't Smile Without You." or perhaps "Please Don't be Scared." (which is a real crap song he wrote quite some time ago and before he actually alerted his face so that now, we actually are a little scared.)

Of course not everyone can age gracefully and when you are under public scrutiny from early in your career you want to remain "young." But really....didn't anyone learn anything from Kenny Rogers??? Or Joan Rivers with a twenty year old face and seventy year old cankles! People - We KNOW you have had "some" work done....geeeeezzzz don't these people ask for references???

"Do you happen to have a book of pictures of people you have done work for?"

"Oh yes, here it is."

Scream of shock and horror......"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh."

"Yes, THAT IS CHER!!!!!"

"Okay....sign me up."

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Of course there are some people who I think could use just a little work - like Paul McCartney:

HAHAHA sorry...that isn't Paul McCartney. This is an old joke.....this is Angela Landsbury, but you have to admit.......well...... here he is:

Maybe a little around the eyes and some jaw line work.....at least then it will match his .....natural hair colour, which is obviously........... still .....brown.



Things I have learned this week:

I read a story about woman who was suffering from brain cancer, but spent 40,000 pounds on plastic surgery before she died so when laid to rest she looked like Demi Moore. I really, really, really hope she didn't go to Barry Manilows' guy!

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Lady Gaga has actually HAD a nose job! Really? - I think she can still use one...that is...if she wants too because she really doesn't like to draw attention to herself. Hey, maybe that is why no one has noticed her nose job!!! You can't get passed her circus outfits.

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Someone has designed waterproof boxer shorts to "let you keep gadgets in your pants". Huh? I know what you are thinking.....but they mean gadgets like your cell phone and, a bonus, the lightweight briefs have two airtight pockets to store your passport, cash and credit cards and are waterproof to 200 feet. For those people who just can't put that phone down even while scuba diving. Resistance is futile...you cannot escape!!!!

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Only in OZ you say. A 70-year-old man has had a 4 inch fork removed from his penis after it became lodged there during a sexual act. Ya know I can't even comment.........

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You can find your muse in the most interesting places. This last week I have had two sort of wake up calls - not literally by phone though. One was my girlfriend in Edmonton who told me my Blog doesn't sound like me. Apparently my old Blog had a style - even though unintentional - and it sounded like ME. Hmmmm, I thought, that isn't good - have I lost myself somewhere? Then another friend gave me a book and I read the first few pages and thought "OMG" actually I though "Oh My God" because it would be strange to say OMG to yourself - but then I think saying OMG at anytime is strange......the book was ME - as in, the author wrote just like the voices in my head! Good voices, not the bad ones that tell you to go kill your neighbour or anything, the ones that bounce around like a ping pong ball from one idea to another and you really do have to WRITE THEM DOWN. I had lost that urge to write things down....but now I have found it again. So I am going to start writing......which is probably really, really bad timing. In fact, probably doesn't enter into it - I have a father in law with dementia whose apartment needs to be emptied out, a cat with lymphoma, a house full of relatives arriving and we are leaving for England/Iceland in 17 days!!!!

Luckily we are headed to the cottage this weekend. I went up to my husband and said "bring the laptop" sort of like the ad for WalMart with the lady who yells "start the care, start the car" His eyes lit up.....because he has seen this look before. When I write I don't clean, don't cook, drink copious amounts of coffee and everything and everyone had better stay out of my way. I once wrote an entire door stop sized novel in ten days!

So, for all of those who encourage me to write, you are getting your wish. I will try not to disappoint......because "you like me....you really like me."

Can I Get My Money Back???

We went to see the movie Elysium on the BIG SCREEN! $27.00 later plus a huge bag of popcorn and two waters....we could have gone out for a nice meal. Where is Scotia Bank when you need them????

The movie was okay and could have been a rental instead, but sometimes you want to see the effects larger than life. The plot was thin, the effects so so but what really got me was Jodie Foster.

When she started to speak my first thought was that she didn't normally talk like that....did she??? Was she trying out some strange futuristic accent? (even though it was all about Earth not some unknown planet with aliens). As........ in......maybe...acting.

"Jodie - you sound too mid west USA. Can you do an accent?"

"Wha kand of a accent?"

"Oh, I don't care and it doesn't matter anyway because the people who will watch this won't notice......they are all about action. Just make one up."

"Haw 'bout a Lady Diana Spencer, Nelson Mandaaaallaish white South African, with a hint of Tyra Banks....or perhaps Martian????"

"Sure -  why not - it's supposed to be the year 2154. You could have been brought up all around the planet AND outer space. If we don't like it we can overdub later."

As I watched, in one scene she stiffly turns her head onto her shoulder, as if to whisper into her ear piece (so no one around her can hear even though she is all by herself!)  to another bad guy (yes...she is a sort of bad guy)....and I SWEAR what came out of her mouth was NOT what she said.....over dubbed with a completely different comment???

It's not worth watching again to see if this is what is happening....but I found it really, really strange and was more fascinated with watching her mouth than the metal enhanced, Matt Damon, running around pumped up on some drugs while totally irradiated and having only five days to live, pummelling a lot of South Africans....really....like I said - a rental.  Hint: Matt Damon works in a factory....making ....guess what????....ROBOTS.....and THIS is the future???


Things I've learned this week:

If you spend three hours in a Tim Horton's you come out smelling like a fried donut.

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Sometimes loves comes in strange shapes. Sally Colburn had been married to Jack for 50 years when he died of lung cancer in May. She has been missing him and while frying up some onions and potatoes it was more than that that made a tear come to her eye. The last potato in the bag was a heart shape. Explained Sally, "It was a sign from him. He grew up in Alabama and was raised on potatoes." I figure if she keeps it long enough it just may sprout wings.

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A laser that predicts when you are going to die has been invented by scientists.
The beam is painless and can also be used to test for diseases including cancer and dementia. It comes in a wrist watch-style device that analyses tiny cells inside the capillaries to work out how quickly the body will age. Grades, rated from 0, meaning death, to 100, equaling optimum function, are then used by scientists to calculate how long a person has left to live. It has been patented by two professors from Lancaster University.

The device is expected to be available to doctors within the next THREE YEARS and will make these two very, very rich, but when one of the professors tried it on herself she stated "Okay, better make that THREE WEEKS."  ALRIGHT!  I made that last part up.

BUT IS IT ART??????

So I am perusing the Saturday newspaper - an ACTUAL paper newspaper not an on line copy - flip, crinkle, flip, flip.....and I come to the Arts and Life Section.

At one point the Obituary section was in this part of the paper until someone pointed out the obvious....sort of like our local Alzheimer's yearly big bang fund raising gala titled: A Night to Remember.   HHHMMM........Well....may be not.

Anyway - The Social Page, in the aforementioned Arts and Life section, is the local community page. Every week is shows a lineup of smiling faces of those attending fund raising events - fashion shows, galas, art shows....I always look at these because sometimes I actually KNOW the people!

So this week the Winnipeg Art Gallery (or The WAG as they call it - how cute....not really) had an art show showcasing some of the work from art classes held there. Now, I understand, art is subjective and not everyone likes the same thing or even considers some of the pieces 'art.' But really.....there is a picture of two women standing in front of some artwork and the caption reads....(I will use pretend names instead of full names so I don't get sued...)

"Amanda Icanuseapaintbrush (with her untitled art work), and Millie Whowishesshecouldpaintlikeherfriend"

Whoa - with her...what.....'Untitled art work'!!!!!! You would think that if you had enough imagination to actually paint something you could, in the hours it takes to paint it, come up with a title. This particular untitled painting had a bunch of hands outstretched....hands, okay, good start here Amanda....so don't call it "My Best Foot Forward."

Being the true researcher I am, I asked myself "Colleen....how many paintings are there titled "Untitled?"" I shrugged and I turned to my best friend Mr. Google....actually I used Mr Bing this time...but what the hey. Lo and behold there are actually A LOT of paintings/sculptures/dodads entitled "Untitled."

Here is one example:

I know, I know....I was....speechless for a moment too.

I think I would call it "Mr. Lucky" .....for one large, obvious reason only. 

And, truth been known, I have actually been to art shows where every other picture is entitled "Untitled." It drives me NUTS! I feel like finding the artist and asking "Couldn't you come up with SOMETHING?  ANYTHING? No....NOTHING......?"

Of course some of these paintings have been rather......hhhmmmm......obscure, so maybe even they couldn't put their finger on it. Or, being artists....or arteeesstttsss...they just say "It is what YOU want it to be....I am just the arteesssttsss." My  head hurts....

Things I have learned this week:

A 'bunch' of cats, domestic or feral, is called a Clower. I know! - isn't that interesting....and unheard of???

So once again I researched and was reading on Mr. Goggle......" a pride of lions, lepe of leopards, a tribe of goats and a richness of martinis".....MARTINIS??? Wait a minute.....if I have more than one martini I can actually say I have had a 'richness?" Then I re-read it and it said "a richness of MARTINS." Hahaha....I like it the way I read it better.

When I told my husband about the clower of cats being factual he asked me "Where did we hear that again?" ......I replied...."Sheldon - Big Bang Theory" - I know......Isn't that where everyone gets their facts???

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A few Blogs ago I suggested that you could, indeed, take too many pictures of your cat. I stand corrected.......My cat Lily has cancer. I actually found this out a few weeks ago and have been processing it. She is 15 years old, lived her entire life on acreage where she can roam free and catch mice and birds. She has never been sick before and I have loved her from the moment I picked her up out of the bush on our property where someone had discarded her. She has always been MY cat and follows me everywhere. Now that we know her days are numbered we are giving her more cuddles, more milk, more of her favourite food (except shrimp which she projectile vomits - really, you have to draw the line...). Strangely,
since being pronounced "dead cat walking" she has caught more mice, chased more grasshoppers and eats ravenously about ten times a day! !!!!  BUT - It has given me pause. Perhaps if we all had our expiration dates stamped on the bottoms of our feet, for those who care to look....we would all be a lot nicer to one another. From the moment we are born we are steadily headed in that direction...some just sooner than others...and if we knew ahead of time.....well, who knows.

Did I hear that right?????

So we went to a baseball game the other night and after getting comfy in our hard, plastic, butt-numbing seats we were told to all rise for our national anthems....two....because our Winnipeg Goldeyes (which are fish by the way - the name, Goldeye...not the players) were playing an American team.

I have always loved the American national anthem...when you sing...'O Say!!! does that staaarrrrr spppanngleedd baaaannnneeer yeee....eet waaave'.....you are truly moved.

And for the Spanish persuasion....there are people who sing...."Jose, can you see by the dawns early light......???"

Of course I am a fish not a bird....meaning I don't sing, I just mouth the words. But I am singing on the inside!

So after waving the American flag we had to sing the Canadian national anthem and I commented (perhaps too loudly) "...and now we sing our boring old anthem" ( insert jam to ribs by husband here).

Well, it is true..... ours starts out dreary....Ohhhhhhhh.... Caaaaa...na.....da!...... and never picks up. To add insult to injury some of the best lines now have to be sung in  French.

'True patriot love in all thy sons command' is sung in English.

French version  'ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux'   - literally translates as.....'thy brow is wreathed with a glorious garland of flowers.'  HUH?

AND later on this gem of wisdom.....'thy history is an epic of the most brilliant exploits.' I kid you not.....Who wrote that?????

Really........not even close to the original song. What the hell???

BUT my all time favorite Country song....country as in USA...not country as in Nashville....has got to be The Stars and Stripes Forever....or as my generation lovingly knows it "Be kind to your web footed friends."

Yes - many a weenie has been roasted over a backwoods Canadian campfire as we all sang....'Be kind to your web footed friends, for every duck has a maaaawwwtthhhther, who lives at the end of a swamp, where it's cool and doooommmppp.' Or words to that effect.

John Philip Sousa knew how to write 'em.....our guys....not so much!

Keeping with the song 'theme' or thyme, as the French would say, snicker snicker.... of this blog.....I am always amused (even guffawed out loud a few times) when I come across people who hear song words wrong. Years ago we commonwealth Canadians had to sing before school started each day.A friend of mine used to sing "send her six story books, happy and glorious" instead of "send her victorious" when belting out God Save the Queen. I mean, really, they expect six year olds to know what victorious is??? Besides YOU can't send the Queen anywhere...she goes where she pleases and usually in a Rolls Royce.

ANYWAY.....there seems to be a 'law' earwig in the following:

Billy Joel song

We didn't start the fire
it was always burning
Said the worst attorney

REAL lyric:
We didn't start the fire
it was always burning
since the world's been turning

10,0000 Maniacs song

Because the night belongs to lawyers
because the night belongs to law

REAL lyric:
Because the night belongs to lovers
because the night belongs to love

Cee Lo Green song

I guess he's an expert and I'm more an attorney

REAL lyric:
I guess he's an Xbox and I'm more Atari

Elton John song

Some with cankers, some with goiters

REAL lyric:
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers.......SEE that one actually was about the law!!


Things I've learned this week:

When people ask me "where do you come up with all this STUFF?" I have to say that newspapers, the Interweb and McLeans Magazine (which is a virtual gold mine for useless information)......really do provide a lot....it is just research. You don't just sit down and write a Blog you know...it takes work. Oh, and I have to give some credit to the voices in my head.

Some people (namely all the people in the world who are NOT from Manitoba) don't know what a Goldeye fish looks like, okay here it is:

HAHAHA actually that is NOT a fish - that is Goldie the Goldeyes Baseball team mascot who loves to dance and run around and bang a drum and cheer us on...well you get the idea. And of course when you have to design a mascot costume based on a fish you can use some.....ah.....liberty. Or else you would have something that looks like this

Which would just scare the crap out of little kids who line up for autographs.

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After thirty odd years I can still make my husband laugh. While driving to the cottage we listened to the latest CD he had worked on. The song The Look of Love came on and he commented, "This would be a great song to make love to." I thought for a second then replied "Well, it is three minutes." He laughed, and laughed, and laughed.....  

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The Brick Furniture is having a back to school......mattress sale. Really? I kid you not.