STOP MESSING ABOUT WITH MY LANGUAGE! Really....I'm not kidding....

The word 'awesome' means extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear..........breathtaking, awe-inspiring, magnificent, wonderful, amazing, stunning, staggering, imposing, stirring, impressive...........mind-boggling, mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, excellent, marvelous; literary wondrous; archaicawful.

It should NEVER refer to how you are enjoying your lunch.

"How's your lunch?" asks the waitress
"Fine." customer
"AWESOME!."

NO! THAT IS NOT THE WORD TO USE! This has to be the most over used word in the English language and it is time to take a stand people! I am tempted to have a card printed up with the meaning of the word 'awesome' and hand it out to people who use it all the time......but then, like, you know, I would, like, you know also have to, like, you know, start on some other words....and that would maybe NOT be so...totally......awesome!!!!

As my dear husband says: "Stevie Wonder driving a car would be awesome. The Dead Sea Scrolls are awesome.....but not my lunch or ordering popcorn at the movie theatre."

***

We were sitting around the fire the other night (without thinking and perhaps after a little too much wine as we didn't even think that fire restrictions are on - a HINT would be the smoke in the air from the raging fire twenty miles north)....anyway....as we sat around the highly illegal fire, we got on the topic of State mottos.........don't ask why, because, to be quite honest, I don't remember.


There are some pretty strange mottos out there - a lot have religion thrown in, or ode to the government, but Louisiana stood out for us:

Come as you are - leave different.......... Is this the sex change state or something??

Out came the Google and I can pass all this along to you, because inquiring minds want to know....

Kansas: To the stars through difficulty.........and beyond!

Colorado: Nothing without the deity..........this from 'the higher state.'

California: We're Great - You Suck!.....okay I made this one up, but it applies.

Oregon: She flies with her own wings.......??

Massachusetts: By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty.....sort of depends on which end of the sword you are on!

West Virginia: Mountaineers are always free.......and goat herders are $2.00 bucks!!!

And of course whatever state is smack dab in the middle of America can always use:You're In Continent!




Things I learned this week:

When you buy 'soft' cookies in packages then leave them unwrapped in the pantry for a week they are still 'soft.'   How come??

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You can add a cat to just about anything and make it better:

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We are having Viking withdrawal after finishing watching Season One and awaiting Season Two..

So, for your amusement, here are some Vikings who never made the cut:

Peter the Piqued
Andrew the Annoyed
Larry the Lisp
Bob the Bouyant
Carl the Clash Dresser

I KNOW....Season two can't come soon enough in our house! Ragnar, Ragnar, he's our man...if he can't plunder and pillage....no one can!!!!  GGGGOOOOOO RAGNAR!!!!

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It CAN actually get too hot outside!

Back to the North country on Sunday....where it was 32 degrees Celcius yesterday - good grief.

THE DEVIL COMES IN MANY FORMS

The other day I read an article in a Flagstaff newspaper that basically confirmed two things for me. One is that there actually is a World Book Day and the other that some people are just never happy.

A young girl in a small Idaho town was giving out books on World Book Day - well, one book in particular - a book that had been banned from the local schools. It was the book by Sherman Alexie - a semi-autobiographical novel - The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian. I must confess I have never read it. SOME people called the police on this young woman - probably the same people who had it banned in the first place. The police arrived and decided there is no law against giving away books...FOR FREE..on World Book Day, so they went away. Which was pretty easy for them because their job was, well, to do nothing. The girl gave out the rest of the books and everyone was happy - except for the people who called the police in the first place. But I got thinking....they probably are happy...because they sound like the type of people who are at their best and most happy when they have something to be unhappy about, so in the end I suppose everyone was happy...........smiley face!

AND you are probably asking: So Colleen, why was this particular book banned? And I can tell you. It was banned because in one part of it masturbation is mentioned. Not in the small town in Idaho kind of way "Oh my GOD, I have masturbated, what have I done, now I must suffer eternal hell with lots of flames and damnation, woe is me" kind of way, but the "Yeah well, I masturbated - what about it?" kind of way. And small town Idahoians really don't like that kind of talk. No Way!

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I have always maintained that the Disney parks are NOT, as stated, the happiest places in the world. The times I have been there, there are numerous children in stages of breakdowns from having...so much fun. The parents are frazzled because they spent on this money coming down to show their kids a great time and to keep up with the Jones who brought their kids down last year and bragged about it all summer. The kids are overtired, hot and cranky and crying. So, when I read a review about a new movie that is out - Escape from Tomorrow - which is seemingly filmed at a Disney location (but in fact was filmed in an unobtrusive and surreptitious way at both Disney places in the U.S.,  because they were afraid the Mice people would shut them down plus they had it edited in South Korea to keep it all quiet) I was not surprised by the plot.

Escape from Tomorrow tells of of the White family's last day of their vacation at Disney World. The dad finds out that he has been fired from his job and the day just gets worse as he slowly sinks into a mental breakdown. I  kid you not!! He soon imagines Disney characters turning on him, his own wife and children start to look like something out of Village of the Damned and he has a very uncomfortable fixation with two young girls.......apparently the ending is "messy."  Think I'll add this to my 'skip it" list...oh yeah!

Things I have learned this week:

Jeffrey Willard Wooten, 50, of Norcross, Georgia, was arrest for robbing a Waffle House. He forced the employees into the back room, grabbed the cash and ran. Sadly, Jeffrey was easy to spot because his choice of weapon was a pitchfork. Don't you just love The South?

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There are a LOT of avid cyclist in this part of the world, but I am thinking that it is going a little too far:

Monday is Bike to Work Day
Tuesday is Bike to School Day
Wednesday is Bike to Breakfast Day
Thursday is Bike to Ice Cream Day
and my personal favorite....
Friday is Bike to Beer Day
I guess you don't bike on the weekend....what? no biking to the Lord?

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Some people can't count.....we stopped by a local restaurant and a lady approached our friend about singing at a party she was having. She said it was a big deal with lots of  musicians and our friend would have a great time. Then she said "I have four parties a year - one every six months." Oooookkkkaaaayyyy.....


*****

The Google really is an amazing place. We have a large bronze dog in our foyer. He was purchased as a birthday gift for me a few years ago and I just love him...I pat his head regularly and he wears our old Copper Dog's tags. As we bought him from a consignment antique store in Old Town Cottonwood we really didn't know his origin. I have been trying to find out, through The Google, about this dog.

"Daniel Pierre, 1988, 2/10" is written on his side and that is how I started out. Took me a while, but last night I received an email from the REAL Daniel Pierre who lives in Flagstaff and has his own foundry. Turns out our dog, Bowser, was one of only two not ten. The original was made for a couple in California. Still don't know how ours ended up being sold here....but at least we know there are only two of them in the world - he was very special to me before that - but now he is a two-of-a-kind he is more so.....wonder if I could ever get my hands on his brother???

TECHNOLOGY IS NOT MY FRIEND

So we are down in AZ for a few weeks and I remembered that if you sign up to Amazon Instant Video you can get a FREE thirty days. Yahoo....because....Vikings season one is on this system and my dear husband hasn't seen it and he is getting pretty tired of me yapping about it and discussing it with other people who HAVE seen it.

Side note: our Icelandic cousin, when asked about seeing this series said - It is all bullshit! Well, it may be, but I like it and it was very late in Iceland when I spoke to her and she had been drinking.......hhhmmmm.

Anyway - I signed up on Amazon (only to find out that at some point I had already signed up for an account...and had to have the password on this said account emailed to me - you know how it goes) and then asked dear hubby to connect the computer to the telly so we could watch Vikings....especially one Viking... in particular Travis!!! Well, his Viking name isn't Travis...that's his real life name. Pretty silly to cast a Viking named Travis the Bad or something...now that would be bullshit!

OF COURSE the connection didn't work!! There was no sound and the picture had all the Amazony stuff on the top and the bottom of the screen and husband says "we can't watch it with all this crap on it." and I had to agree it was a small viewing area and the writing all over was distracting. So - we slept on it and may decide to try it again...at some point...some future point....before the thirty free days are up.

BUT we then switched to Netflix for the eveining (we actually don't watch that much tv....but seem to have all the programs to allow us to...for some reason) ....and we watched Craig Ferguson doing stand up. We saw him in Tucson a few years ago and almost wet ourselves laughing.

Okay - I admit I was kind of grumpy after not getting to see Travis maim and kill people, but a few minutes into Craig and I was laughing along with my husband...who was in hysterics.

At one point Craig was talking about how, in his mind, all movies about Romans/gladiators etc. have British accented people portraying the main characters. Ever so posh! Not really, because he grew up with Monty Python...as in -Life of Brian etc.so you have to put yourself into that kind of head space.

Craig particularly mentioned watching Gerard, or Gerry as his friends call him, Butler in the movie 300.

While giving a rousing speech about marching off to victory Gerry yells

"TONIGHT we dine in HELL!"

Fist pumps, yelling and screaming.....and at this point Craig says he imagined some little English guy in the front yelling....... because of all of his Monty Python watching and all the silliness:

"What are we having?"

Trust me it was funny....at the time....okay you had to be there.

So to carry on with our week of computer related things that won't work.....I tired to get the balance on our VISA statement as of the billing date...around May 8th. Easy - do it every month! HA! Because I was using a different computer/server/satellite/cup for my coffee the computer asked me a burning question;

What is your hobby?

The 'primary card holder' on this is my husband so I put MUSIC.   EEEEHHHHH - WRONG!

What? and now it locks me out of the account.....!!!

On to the good old telephone I go and of course they have to talk to my husband because...all together now...he is the 'primary card holder'

 Half hour later, after being switched to a different department, we find out the balance of what we owe right now...not on the statement....sigh. AND I will have to call back again to have them unlock the online access....I will put that off until we get back to Canada and I have my husband standing by because they won't talk to me!!

AND then.....I receive a message from Netflix that states the credit card I use for charges is expiring...well...yes...I did get a new one and it does have an new expiration date. EASY? HA!

Call up Netflix and it asked me...for....a....password. Think I can remember it - not on your life!!!


Things I have learned this week:

Some times I am proud to be a Canadian. At the exhibit Czech the Light, two Canadians have a beautiful installation called Cloud. Try to imagine a cloud like form suspended about ten feet over your head with long hangy down things that look like rain falling. It really is pretty....and it is made up of....entirely...light bulbs. Have no idea how much a thing like that would cost....comparing bulbs from Home Depot or Rona...or even Walmart....but I'll just bet they received a Government grant for thousands...not to mention an all expenses paid trip to the Czech Republic. Sort of get a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

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The latest rage in China, after restaurants that offer cats to pet for those who can't have pets in their apartments, is Panda Dogs! They aren't a new breed but white fluffy dogs that have their fur dyed to look like little, cuddly pandas. The video we watched had the reporter babbling on in the background about this amazingly cute new trend and was so proud when she admitted:

"Ten years ago the natural instinct was to eat a dog...but now we have them as pets."

SOME THINGS ARE/AREN'T MEANT TO BE FOREVER

A blog called Trash the Dress, which bills itself as a repository for "stories of celebrating divorce in your 20s," has rounded up dozens of divorce tattoos on Pinterest.

It isn't the fact that the tattoos are posted....it was the "celebrating divorce in your 20's" part that struck me as....odd. Makes me wonder how many parents are gnashing their teeth over the fact they are still paying off the BIG DAY when the announcement that it is over has come across their emails. Weddings, along with tattoos, really need to be thought out a bit more wouldn't you say?  

So - back to Trash the Dress......Each photo links to a post explaining that particular woman's inspiration and reasoning for getting a divorce tattoo.

"I have been planning this glitzy glamorous tattoo since I left my husband. He was strongly opposed to his wife getting a tattoo whilst we were married. He forbade me to," wrote Anna on trashedthedressonline.com. "It was so pretty in my head, it had three birds flying away from a cage, and they were to represent myself, and our two children, and our new found freedom from a controlling, manipulating, troll of a husband." WOW!!!! I have to wonder exactly when she discovered this about the husband....before after the second child?

"Twenty years from now I’m not sure I would want an inked memory of my state of mind during divorce," wrote divorce blogger Lisa Thomson. "It might trigger sad memories. Also, because we go through emotional highs and lows during divorce it might be kind of dangerous to make a permanent decision like getting a tattoo." Good points there Lisa.

Similarly, Elite Daily's Anthony Selden writes "you’re just giving yourself something to endlessly argue about throughout your next relationship. Just because you feel like you might have won an emotional war with your ex boyfriend doesn't mean you need to go get a tattoo commemorating yourself for moving on."

I do believe a lot of NEW spouses would agree with this. You don't want to get romantic and see .......I LOVE BOB (crossed out), LORNE (crossed out) ....YOU...FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!!!!! (several cute little heart signs) emblazoned on your dearest.

AND THEN I came across this one....I couldn't even read it....running, ruining......ruminating?

Explanation - "Going through a divorce and this simple tattoo in my mom's handwriting gives me strength. It says 'Just keep swimming,' ....OKAY - perhaps you should have chosen someone with BETTER handwriting!!!

Or you COULD do it with a song lyric:

'Cause you may not believe, mmm mmm mmm
That baby, I'm relieved, mmm
When you said goodbye, my whole world shined
Hey hey hey
It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling
If we're drinking, then I'm buying
And I know there's no denying
It's a beautiful day, the sun is up, the music's playing
And even if it started raining
You won't hear this boy complaining
'Cause I'm glad that you're the one who got away
It's a beautiful day
- Michael Buble

Of course...years from now... they can always add another tattoo...."LMFOA.....OMG.....WTF was I thinking????" with an arrow to the tattoo they wish they didn't have!



Things I have learned this week:

I actually know several people who could use this sign:

*****

Steven Cohen raised eyebrows when he pulled off this bizarre stunt during an impromptu open-air show last September.

During the jaw-dropping routine, he danced on the tourist-filled Trocadero Plaza dressed in a corset, high heels, long red gloves and an elaborate feathered headdress... with a cockerel attached to his penis by a ribbon.

Tourists - including a group of nuns - looked on in bewilderment at the spectacle, which lasted only a few moments, before police arrested Cohen and dragged him off.

Apparently he was later set free....I don't know what happened to the cockerel.

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Okay...maybe not:

They can hide when they want to!

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Guess where we are: here are some ads from the local paper.....

Free Firearm Giveaway Sun at 2 p.m.

Spirited Clearings - curses, vows, dogmas, entities, implants and devices 

YES - Arizona!

USING THE 'F" WORD

We keep hearing the bleating of "we are too fat, our kids are too fat, fat is epidemic...." and, for the most part, I just go along with it. Even though, yes, I do understand that my tax dollars will be paying for the high incidence of diabetes, bad hips and knees and several heart attacks down the road. BUT I read an article that really....well....annoyed the crap out of me.

For all those dudes and dudettes who want to hit the dusty trails on the back of a horse I applaud you. For one thing it employs animals who would otherwise be ....well...unemployed. The sad part is that because we, as a society, are getting larger by the second (obesity has increased more than a third in adults and 17 percent in children over the last twenty years) there is now a need for LARGER horses to accommodate these weekend cowboys and cowgirls. Yesssiiirrrriiiee - you read that right.

One owner of a Dude Ranch stated "It's nice that we can provide a situation where they can ride with their family." He doesn't say anything about just HOW they got them on this poor animal who now has to bear their weight. We are talking Draft horses here folks - not just larger horses...Draft horses.

Russ Little of Dry Ridge Outfitters says he "felt bad about telling people they're too big to ride." He had a 225 pound weight limit but now with Draft horses or Percherons that has changed. The heaviest rider he ever put on a horse was 399 pounds. WHAT???

"As long as you can get on a horse, you can ride." is what he is quoted as saying. Yes, the dignity of being hoisted (probably literally) onto a horse! That should make you feel REAL good about heading out with your family.

One of his guests stated that when she saw the smaller horses she was concerned, "because I'm a little heavier." But when she saw the size of the larger horses...."they are pretty hardy. " Well, it takes one to know one.

Peggy Howell, spokeswomen for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (yes, you read that right too) says "I think it's wonderful that these people are looking to accommodate a larger body size. People of larger body size enjoy athletic activities." NO THEY DON'T!! At 399 pounds just standing upright is an athletic activity. The only thing getting anything close to exercise here is the horse.

I understand that these outfitters need to make a living and realize the money they are losing by turning away "persons of size" is probably getting to be quite substantial, but really.....when you have to somehow wrangle a 399 pound...that is ONE pound away from 400 pounds - person onto a live animal so they can be 'athletic' is ridiculous.

I'm cheering here for the little guy folks....and by that...I mean the horse.

*****

Apparently, those in the know say, if you are planning on stowing away in the wheel well of an airplane your chances of survival are better if you are young and thin, not heavyset and older. But one has to assume the chances of you being squashed by the wheel mechanism doesn't change that much....or you freezing to death...or falling out after you have passed out from lack of oxygen.

From 1947 - 2012 there have been 96 stowaways of which only 23 have survived.

Question...how exactly do they know?




Things I've learned this week:

People who have been together for a long time seem to have a 'short hand' when talking to each other.

The other morning I asked my husband "What nationality do you think Bootstrap Bill is?"

He replied, after a moment's thought, "He's an Ozzie."

"No," I replied, "He's actually a Swede."

Now - the fact that my husband immediately knew who I was referring to is what I am talking about. AND for those of you who are scratching your collective heads at this point...Bootstrap Bill aka William Turner is a character from one of the Johnny Depp Pirates of the Caribbean movies. His real-live-and-in-person name is Stellan Stargard - and had we known THAT we would have presumed he was not British or Australian - which is what we ASSUMED because in the movie he sounds that way! For even more trivia - his son is one of the Vikings in Vikings - the tall thin guy with the eye makeup.... PLUS he has several more sons who are all in show biz. So there, drop that at your next social gathering.

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SURE - NOW I find out that April is National Poetry month!!!

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Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto, has gone into Rehab. I wish him well - no, really, sincerely, I do.....honest.

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When  my husband was clambering into bed the other night he said "What is it that Sheldon always says."

I shrugged..."Bazinga?"

My girlfriend talks about her "T V friends".....crap....I guess we have them too, because Sheldon is really from The Big Bang Theory...and I have no idea what his REAL name is!!!!