In My Ear and Out My Blog

I heard.....according to Goodreads....... that the top two books bought, but never finished, are The Casual Vacancy and Fifty Shades of Gray.

I actually finished The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling. As much as I really enjoyed the Harry Potter series and all of her imaginings, I felt this book about a small village made Maeve Binchy's writing seem exhilarating and fast paced. If you aren't aware,  Maeve writes about a slice of life with no particular highs or lows just darn good writing....but the books are s....l.....o.....w. The Casual Vacancy wasn't even ......wrote gooder!

And now Rowling has come out with a new book - which she released under another name - and then was "angry" when it slipped that she had written said book. Oh my goodness....my sales were terrible........ and now that everyone knows I wrote it....well...sales have gone through the roof. I am so angry!!! Yeah right J.K. You don't need to sell more books....You have more money than the Queen - really she does!

As for Fifty Shades (as those in The Know call it) I can only say that I tried, really I did. The main female character - Anastasia - not Barb or Wendy Niggmeyeer - seems to have serious health problems. She is "heated by his steady gaze; has her heart racing, her subconscious is screaming, her face is aflame, her heart is pounding (twice), she is having heart failure, rendered speechless and at times her heart is almost strangling her." - This is in the FIRST THIRTY PAGES! I quit on page 54.....I started to feel my heart pound, my subconscious scream and my face felt aflame.

I was given the Fifty Shades book my a male friend, who, let's just say has a real problem thinking women are actually ......smart. I told one of my girlfriends that when he handed the book to me he said "You will be the hit of your book club with this one!" wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

My girlfriend said: "I'm surprised your husband didn't deck him."

"He wasn't there."

"Ewww even creepier."



Okay so last week I made a shot at Government "workers" not "working" to their full potential. Here my friends, is a prime example of workers not really doing their 100%...or putting two and two together!!! Recently a woman (fugitive) was caught in a small Canadian town where she had been hiding in plain sight for fifteen years. Her original crime was driving while drunk, with her two small children in the car, when she hit and killed a 65 year old woman. While awaiting trial for this the woman "flew the coop" - a direct quote from her lawyer. Apparently she came to Canada - but they don't know how and set up a new identity - with her two small children. THEN - Because no one could find her she ended up as a cold case. AND NOW ........for the good part. The poor sod of a father to the children was still paying child support, even after she disappeared with them, BUT due to PRIVACY laws he couldn't get information as to where the money was going. GEEEEEE - a bank in a small town in Canada perhaps?

Things I have learned this week:

Royal baby name: George Alexander Louis Mountbatten -Windsor. I had a hunch they would name this poor little tyke after Liz's dad...but really - George? That is NOT a cute baby name. Honey can you hold GEORGE for a moment? My Grandfather was named George but of course when I met him he was fully grown, so maybe that is my frame of reference.

Anthony (with the unfortunate last name of) Weiner is still running for Mayor of New York even after he was caught.....texting explicit correspondence to a young woman - AGAIN! I think his name has gone to his head......

.........For those of you who can't get enough....they now have invented vibrating bicycle seats! Mind boggled once again........maybe Mr. Weiner?


Sometimes it pays to read the entire message.

I was quite excited about this because I actually saw him on a piece of toast once....but when I opened this message it said "Seeking Christmas songs...." Drat!

Rats finally get their day!!! Vindication!!! A park in California has been closed when it was discovered that a caught SQUIRREL was infected with the plague...yes....The Black Death which has erroneously always been blamed on rats. Truth be known it was the fleas on rats that carried the plaque. Authorities state there is nothing to worry about...at least nothing a good dose of antibiotics won't fix. But farther in the article it stated said squirrel is now dead......hmmmm...infected fleas fleeing a dead squirrel...not unlike rats fleeing a sinking ship. 

Sometimes it pays to look up......way up.....

oooohhh, aaaahhhh....hovering over our yard...

Water or wine?

There is something taking a bath in Danny the dog's water dish, which is located outside on the deck. His other water dish is in the laundry room and if something was taking a bath in that one I would suspect ........a cat.

So.....We fill the bowl outside daily, seemingly turn around and look back and there is water splashed everywhere!! I GOOGLED 'Robins taking a bath' and I discovered that, yes, indeed they will bathe in any container of water. In FACT they will even LINE UP to take baths. Tickets please - line forms to the right - here is your towel....move along....

I am thinking I may just top the water dish up one morning, park myself under the cabana - camera in hand - and wait. I had considered doing this later in the day with say, a glass of wine, but then thought by the time the stupid bird - we are assuming a Robin - shows up - I may be - depending on how long it takes for said birdie to show itself - too pissed to actually grab my camera and click. Standing up and running forward then doing a header into the dog dish would not be a lovely sight! NOT that I have a drinking problem.....8). BECAUSE - Our financial advisor, whose partner had a heart attack five years ago, told us that the cardiologist told them to keep up the drinking - really??? Well, that's good enough for me. Not only is he our financial advisor he is now our LIFE advisor.

What the hell is that anyway? A life advisor??

I actually GOOGLED that too ( I love Google) and one of the - Top 100 Advices on Life - states..... "Don't get your life advice from lists on the Internet." Well........Too late!

So I'm thinking  the correct term would be, maybe, perhaps, likely.....uuummmmm.. Life Coach. Apparently their duties are as follows: "Life coaches assist people with making decisions about how to improve their personal and professional lives. Like counselors, life coaches use questions and suggestions to help people determine what choices to make."   Yes, and they get PAID to do this!

Personally - I think a Life Coach should just be called : MOM

"Not that I'm saying you are fat but.....Are you really going to wear that?"
"What ever possessed you to do that with your hair?"
"A neck tattoo should just read "I didn't get the job, did I?"
"When ARE you going to get a REAL job?"
"If I were you....I'd sleep on it."
"Do you really think you should be drinking when on antibiotics?"
"If you'd have asked me I would have told you he's a bum, but you didn't ask now did you?"
"Personally I don't agree with violence but - tomorrow I want you to go to school and kick that kids ass."
"Whatever makes you happy dear......." in other words - you REALLY don't want to know what I think!!!
"Don't you even bother.....Haha, of course I tried it ONCE....but I never inhaled."
"Of course I was a virgin when I married your father."
"Always wear clean underwear. You never know when you will be in an accident and all the people at the hospital will see what you are wearing."
AND of course the best for last: "Well if you ask me......but....I really don't want to interfere!"

On the topic of water, wine and life......apparently the family of someone out at our lake has decided to scattered their loved ones' ashes into said lake. I can understand the reasoning behind this, however I don't even know if it is indeed legal to do this...and I have to wonder if they have really thought this through. I know it is just symbolic and all that but consider this: all the cottages get their water from the lake via pumps. Theoretically........This person could end up in my rinse cycle.



Things I have learned this week:

On a one day forecast....Weatherpeople  are only correct 57% of the time. To me this wouldn't translate well into the real world. Unless, of course you work for the Government - no, wait - that's "they only WORK 57% of the time."

A man in Florida filled out a job application at a gas station and when the clerk turned his back on the till he helped himself and ran, leaving his application behind. Needless to say - he was caught.

No matter how much hair product I use....this is what happens to my bangs when it rains. Stupid weatherpeople who predicted hot and sunny! I'm taking a hat to England!

The most common way for a Robin to expire.....is death..... by cat.......  

Here is our guard dog waiting for something to happen - yes -  he is actually resting his head on the gate.....

Too much consuming....too much collecting...or just too much?

http://redtiliamdead.blogspot.com

How do you know when you have too many and what to do with them all??

We have two electronic readers - books, so to speak. One we don't use that much anymore because downloading onto the other one - a Blackberry with U.S.A Kobo connection,  - is so much easier. It just gets paid directly from our U.S. bank account with one click - how easy is that? Sometimes I LOVE technology.

We also have enough books, in various locations, to exclaim  "Holy Dewey Decimal System  ....." as soon as you walk in the door.  So much so that a girlfriend, who exchanges books with me, asked me if I had read the latest Ken Follett book - Fall of Giants. I told her, no I hadn't. She then proceeded to tell me the plot line.....no, I assured her, I hadn't read it but I would love to borrow it.

Next time we get together she hands me three books - one is the Follett doorstop. It goes out to the lake, but never gets opened and then brought back home. One night I decide to curl up with a good book and after all settled and cosy....open Fall of Giants. ONLY TO SEE a name written, in my handwriting, on the inside cover!!

 "Colleen"

Yes - this is actually MY BOOK and I HAVE read it and loaned it TO HER to read!

I have taken to writing my name or initials in books so that when I pick them up I know I have already read them - see .....way too many books and obviously too little memory!!! I don't remember titles or sometimes main characters, or even the cover of the book. That is one reason I like my electronic reader - it tells me, at a glance, that I have read this book because it has a little green bookmark hanging on it. So - maybe, because the electronic reader people thought of this idea, I am not the only one who doesn't remember oh.....titles, characters, covers. Or am I just grasping?

We can't seem to pass a bookstore, thrift shelf or gas station table without stopping and picking up "a few books for the house/lake." We have actually bought the same book several times. "Oh well," my husband will remark upon this discovery "we can always take this one to the states." And so the collection grows, and grows and......

HHHHMMMM now that I think of it we do the SAME THING with movies. I know - we are probably the only people who actually still buy movies. We have three copes of Galaxy Quest, two entire Harry Potter series and I know we have purchased the Star Wars packages several times.

Okay - we are not as bad as the local guy who bought two Tiki mugs at a garage sale a few years back....and has now turned his entire garage into a replica  Hawaiian  Tiki Lounge. I kid you not! Even his wife waxes on...... "Somebody had to travel there, buy it, bring it back and then hold onto it for years. To us, its like finding lost treasure." Brings a tear to the eye.

NO!!!!! - obviously they haven't been to Hawaii. You get roped into going to a Luau where you eat Poi.....aka wallpaper paste, plain steamed pork - yum, some crap - overcooked carrots, an old bun and wilted salad. You watch a show of people with flaming torches hollering to the Gods and blowing conch shells, and then before you can get out the door you get hit up to each buy a souvenir Tiki mug, some pooka beads and an 8 x 10 picture of yourself taken with a "local" Hawaiian girl or guy in traditional dress. You walk to the parking lot, look at each other loaded up with all this crap and exclaim "Jesus Christ! What just happened?" Upon returning home, your "treasures" go into the garage or basement for about twenty years, you die, your kids hold a garage sale and these people come by and, for only a dollar, have two MATCHING Tiki mugs which end up in their "collection" which soon encompasses their garage and perhaps their lives! And THAT my friends is what is commonly known as....The Circle of Life.



What I have learned this week:

You can never take too many pictures of your children....you can, however, take way too many pictures of your cat.

Listen to your husband: I say - "I found a wasp nest by the hot tub".

He says  "I'll get the wasp nest killer."

I say - "Never mind I'll use the fly swatter"  (as in FLY swatter you idiot!).

CRAP that hurt!!!

Early mornings, before anyone else is up,  are just delicious 

Sometimes just getting your nails done a different colour makes the world that much brighter!

You have to laugh......or do you

My father in law is 89 years old and is starting to drift......he is old school English and now he is starting to lose filters in a lot of situations, either that or his real personality is coming to the front.

Our daughter has taken over looking out for him a few days during the week because she lives only a few minutes away from his residence. Generally she will text me and report on how he is and what he is up to that visit. He also has two men from HomeCare come in every morning to help him shave and supposedly get dressed (by the looks of some of his get ups I doubt this). He also has a private-hire care female professional who comes in twice a week and showers him and takes him for outings. He likes her and calls her "his girlfriend." At first he stated that he was embarrassed by a woman showering him but I reassured him this was her job and she was "used to wrinkly old men." I don't know if that made him feel better or not. Of course my dear husband told him "Ya know Pop, in Vegas you would pay a lot of money for that!"

Last week when our daughter took Gramps down to the Bistro for coffee and a muffin he was complaining he doesn't have very many friends. While walking to the table he jabbed his cane at a walker a woman had set beside her table and said loudly "These things shouldn't be here....they are just in the way." Our daughter said the lady got up and moved her walker. She then texted me "And he wonders why he doesn't have any friends!!!"

I only started texting last year....and I love it. My phone is set to this sort of submarine, sonar sound when a text comes it. However I forget to turn the volume down and sometimes our daughter will text late at night when I am asleep and I will immediately wake up and wander down the hall to see what it is about. I will text her back and she will say something like "oh, you are up!" Yes - I had to get up to see this text because my phone made the text sound!!!  So - perhaps I  really shouldn't be texting if I HAVE to see what it is about....or learn to turn down the volume at night.

I was writing in this blog about something that happened with our daughter, her Grandfather and a text she was sending to me. Then after writing it, I thought that some people might not actually see the humor in the whole thing. FACT: Gramps has dementia, which is getting worse day by day. The FACT is not funny, but sometimes the SITUATION  is.

Then I got thinking, while in the shower where I seem to do my best thinking, are we supposed to censor our own blogs? Are they not random thoughts, private soap boxes, things to share....? The problem with the written word is that people reading can't see your facial expression or hear your voice. Things can be taken the wrong way. So? To censor or not?  hhhhmmmm.....I will have to give that some thought.

I am currently reading Total Recall - My Unbelievably True Life Story by Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is written just like he talks - no NOT with an Austrian accent!!

His "go to" word in the real world, is.... fantastic!! In any interview he has he uses this word. "How would you describe this movie?" "Fawntahstic!", "What would you say about Danny DeVito?" He's Fawntahstic!" The word - fantastic - is all over this book as well.

What I mean by - just like he talks........we are so familiar with his voice that when you are reading his book you can  hear him speaking out loud in your head. The book was a gift from my husband about a year and a half ago and I am just now picking it up. It is a good read. The muscle man is not stupid - he is smart, driven and has a great grasp of business. He is also very appreciative of living in a new country with many opportunities. A lot of people could learn from him........

He does have a rather juvenile sense of humor and I am sure this has created many cringe worthy moments. Like when Arnold Schwarzenegger meets Eunice Shriver (Kennedy) for the first time he actually tells her "..your daughter has a nice ass." That is not the ice breaker you want to say to your future mother in law.

There are many 'Hollywood' facts in the book and one I came across that just rocked me was that 'the powers that be' wanted.......O.J. Simpson....of ALL people.......to be The Terminator ......... Excuse me!!! Detective Nordberg!!! I just can't wrap my mind around that one....Arnold IS the Terminator and no one could do it better.

I am just in the part of the book where he and Marie Shriver are producing children at an alarming rate...how she is the love of his life.....how she is so supportive.........very curious as to how he justifies shtupping the maid in later years!     "Arnold how would you describe the domestic help in your household." "Just Fawntahstic!!!"

Things I've learned this week:

You can bath a cat........but only once. Still sopping up the water!

The Bitch is Back are lyrics in a song....but is also what my garbage man is thinking after I called him about my garbage not being picked up for the second day in a row in 30 degree weather!!!

O.J. Simpson's first name is really Orenthal

Dennis Rodman - he of the metal face - thinks he should be up for the Nobel Peace Prize. He states that even though before he went to North Korea he "didn't know Kim Jong-un from Lil Kim" they are now 'friends for life' and he will try and talk him into being more peaceful. Really?